Young Writers Society

Submitted for publication.

ok, seeing as i was in the presentation as well, i know the distress this particular story caused.

I'm not entirely sure the repetition works for me, it seems to make the poem lose a little emotion, rather than adding emotion to it. i don't like the repetition of grave, crying works fine, as does quiet, but grave is the word that i feel doesn't need to be repeated.

I liked the short sentances, but not if it was going to be read aloud. reading inside my head isn't too bad, but when read aloud, those don't work too well. however, they are emotional, rather than having a long sentance which loses the imagery. the short sentances also releated to the speed of what's happened if this was real.

i liked the switch to an irregular verse. adds a lot to the poem rather than staying as the regular verse. if you had used the same style as all the others, it would have had little effect on me. with the new style, it hits home more.

I am a little confused with the use of castle twice to describe the mortuary, but one being "dead" the other being "human". not sure it works for me.

overall, i think it captures the emotions of the story we heard well, and i'd say you've done a good job with it

Thankyou for those insightful comments Tim. Ill be sure to redraft this adding different imagery for the mortuary and maybe adjusting the repetition slightly.

Anyone else _ I really need comments on this.

The whole thing was indeed emotional and touchy.

But it was more like a real story about some emotions than a poem.And the second para didn't work out nicely for me with the new style.

As it was something which was inspired so it was good.

Redrafting is a good idea.

I think it was just beautiful. Sad, but very beautiful. And I love the way you wrote it. It's so different, but it's still awesome. Keep it up! =)

Thanks for the comments, more are welcome.

I liked the theme behind it, and the way it ended. The short lines added for very quick, emotional burst.

She goes, teary, to the dead castle,
sees her husband, lying there. Quiet, quiet.
Her.
Soul.
Shrieks.
With Pain.

I didn't really like the second line here...it felt too long.

I liked the last two lines you used, in the last stanza.

I think I would have liked it more if there was a continual syllable pattern, but it does just fine without it too

Thanks for the comments Claud.

anyone else?

I liked the way the words were presented and the way you left some lines short, though some lines could be longer to give the poem more body. This was very powerful though, and I really enjoyed it. Nice job.


Keep at it!
-Rieda

I love your title, even before I read the poem.

The last stanza doesn't seem to fit, because up until then your stanzas had a different format. Your last stanza is my favorite, but it doesn't go with the others at all.

I'm not a huge fan of the words that get their own line, they're kind of distracting and seem awkward to me.

It can't be read out loud, but not all things have to be. I like the way you repeated some words twice in a row.

Thanks for posting.