Pandora's Tears

Sureal · 2007-01-05T20:29:16Z

Pandora’s Tears Chapter One -- Demons Date: 13th August, 2011 ‘Lieutenant, behind you!’ Assault rifle raised, Drace spun to face the charging demon. With a twisted roar that was almost human, the creature smashed into him and together they slipped in the mud, crashing to the ground. Everything dissolved into madness. A flash of pale flesh; a clawed hand raised to strike; dark eyes full of… of what? Sadness? A gunshot exploded through the air. The demon shuddered and stopped its thrashing. Pinned under the dead weight of the corpse, Drace struggled to free himself. His trapped arms jerked uselessly. Breathing was hard. Either way he turned his head he was greeted by only more mud. All he could smell was the damp earth. The monster was dragged off him by an unseen helper. Breath hoarse and head thumping, Drace remained sprawled in the mud for a few moments. The cold slime plastered across his skin made him shiver despite the warmth of the newly risen sun. ‘Lieutenant, you okay?’ someone asked. Drace raised his head against its wishes. ‘Yes Private,’ he coughed, ‘I’m fine.’ The Private offered his gloved hand. Unsteady, Drace gripped it and climbed to his feet, careful not to slip. He retrieved his gun from the dark sludge. He turned to the demon’s body, its pallid skin dirtied by blood and dirt. It had once been human - a young girl, probably no more then fifteen years old. But the thing sprawled on the ground before him was no longer human. He rolled her over with his foot, so that she lay on her back, her pale eyes gazing upwards. Corruption had overtaken her: each of her limbs were longer than a human’s and her hands had become distinct claws. Her flesh had turned pale and scabbed, her hair black, her teeth needle sharp. But most of all, she had lost her sanity. But hadn’t Drace seen a spark of humanity in her eyes before she was killed? ‘Sir, all hostiles have been neutralised,’ Sergeant Janus said. ‘We sustained no casualties.’ ‘How many attackers were there?’ ‘Six in total, sir. That bitch was the last one.’ Drace grunted. ‘Who shot her?’ ‘Private Barvd, sir.’ He would have to make sure he put Barvd forward for promotion - repeatedly he proved himself to be a resourceful and skilled solider. It was not at all surprising it had been Barvd that reacted fast enough to help him. ‘Sir,’ Janus said, ‘do you think those were the ones? Do you think we’re done here?’ ‘I’m afraid not. The report said there were at least two dozen demons, but there are only six corpses here.’ A nearby town, Great Wyncote, had reported numerous attacks from the demons. As a response, the British Army dispatched Drace’s small platoon to deal with the problem. They spent their days in the countryside, wandering up and down steep hills and marching through woodland. Dark bushes and trees constantly surrounded them, with only the occasional barb-wired fence, wooden signpost or crudely made stair-set to hint at a human presence. Although it was summer-time the recent heavy rain had turned much of the ground into thick mud, and so the going was slow. Drace sighed. It was tedious work. ‘Alright,’ he shouted reluctantly, ‘let’s get moving - we still have a lot of ground to cover!’ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~-|-~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sergeant Janus sat alone in the dark corner, watching the other soldiers devour their meals. The village hall was filled with the echo of their voices as they chatted and joked together. After their first encounter no more demons had been found. Still, Janus was sure they’d find the monsters’ hiding place sooner or later - there was only so much countryside for the beasts to hide in. At first, Janus had been confident the assignment would not pose much of a problem. As strong and fast as the demons were, they did not have guns. But he hadn’t imagined they could be so elusive - the platoon had been searching the countryside fruitlessly for almost three weeks, and only that day had their first encounter. The endless searching was incredibly boring. He took a swig of his canteen. The whisky tasted almost sweet after the hard day’s work, marching back and forth in the poor conditions outside. And although - technically - he wasn’t meant to be drinking, there really was nothing to stop him. As long as the Lieutenant didn’t find out, he’d be fine. The village hall had been lent to them by the local council, and within it they set up tables and bunk beds and all the equipment they’d need whilst on the assignment. The hall wasn’t particularly large, and it was a tight fit to get everything in. The poor lighting meant it was perpetually dim, and it smelt like wet soil, but it had been home for the past three weeks, and was certainly better than some of the shit-holes they’d put up with in the past. It was growing on him. The little red light on the radio-set he had sat down on the bench beside him lit up, and the set cackled into life. ‘Sergeant Janus? This is Lieutenant Drace. Pick up.’ Janus sighed, lowered the brown flask that hovered inches from his lips, and picked up the radio. ‘This is Janus. What is it Lieutenant?’ ‘I’d like you to come up to the Governor’s building,’ Drace said. The annoyance that tinged his voice gave Janus a bad feeling. ‘The Governor has set a little task aside for you…’ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~-|-~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Drace was not impressed with the Governor of Great Wyncote: he was a pompous little bastard. No matter how Drace articulated his argument, the Governor refused to be swayed, and instead repeatedly insisted he was doing the right, moral thing. Eventually, Drace caved in, and conceded to his plan. There was a polite knock at the door, and in stepped Janus. The Governor leaned forward from behind his oversized desk. ‘Ah, hello. Welcome Sergeant. Do sit down.’ Drace noted his voice was devoid of its earlier hostility. ‘Thank you, sir.’ Janus dropped himself into the nearest leather-coated chair, so that only Drace was left standing. ‘Your Lieutenant and I have just been having a discussion, and we’ve come to the conclusion that a small selection of your platoon should patrol Great Wyncote. The number of demon attacks isn’t giving out I’m afraid - we have had an attack almost every week for the past two months - and a small presence of soldiers would really help to keep our town safe.’ ‘And I’m afraid, Janus,’ Drace said, ‘that you’ve been elected to lead these patrols. You have your pick of two Privates to take with you.’ He didn’t want to lose three of his men - especially not his Sergeant, his second in command - to the patrol, but he didn’t have a choice. The Governor had pulled rank on him. ‘But-’ Janus began. ‘You have your choice of two Privates to take with you,’ Drace repeated. ‘Yes sir. I believe Petterson from Charlie One, and Barvd from Charlie Two, will both prove helpful on this assignment, sir.’ ‘Very well.’ Drace turned to the Governor. ‘I assume we are done here?’ ‘Yes yes, this is most satisfactory. Thank you for your help, Lieutenant.’ Drace nodded to the Governor, turned on the spot, and marched to the door. As he went, he heard Janus clamber from his chair to follow. Outside, in the cool night’s breeze, Janus said, ‘Sir, why do we have to have a patrol? Are the town guard not doing their job properly?’ ‘They aren’t getting the chance,’ Drace sighed. ‘The Governor has the majority of them posted in his private residence as personal guards, so there aren’t enough left to protect the public.’ ‘Is that legal?’ ‘Technically, no. But there’s nothing that we can do about it. I’m afraid we have no choice but to agree to his demands.’ He paused, and sniffed the air. ‘Janus… what’s that I can smell on your breath?’ Janus grinned at his Lieutenant. ‘Spearmint chewing gum, sir. You want one?’

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Wed Mar 14, 2007 8:32 pm

Poor Imp says... · Wed Mar 14, 2007 8:32 pm

Sureal wrote:Imp: I tried jigging that section around in all the different ways I could think (including the way you suggested), but none of them really 'worked'. At the moment, I think it does what I wanted too, so I'll leave it for now (although I'll probably come back to it at a later date.

I've made some small alterations to chapter one (mostly cutting out useless 'had's), and have written chapter two ^_^.

Sans the helping verbs ('had's') the first bit looks much cleaner. ^_^

And now you've posted more, and it's brief, so I ought to be able to get to critiquing it within the next few days - at least by next week. The opening dialogue made me grin. ^_^

IMP

ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."

-Lloyd Alexander

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Fri Mar 23, 2007 12:03 am

Poor Imp says... · Fri Mar 23, 2007 12:03 am

'Lo again Sureal.

I suppose I'll head back through on a line-by-line, where it's called for, but being dialogue for the most part, that ought to move quickly. You've changed-up pace here though, if not too dramatically, noticeably - but it seems a good lull and you've fleshed out some characters, or at least their relationship to each other.

‘Not a bad job, this,’ said Petterson, his gun slung over his lean shoulders. ‘I was getting sick of spending all day every day searching those damn woods. Nice to be able spend my time in civ’lisation.’

Again, the dialogue is straightforward, pleasantly unencumbered by needless description or introspection.

But that leaves the characters a little brief as well. The above however, manages both brevity and a hint at Patterson's appearance, and does it with action. We get his attitude implied by his words and action, and his appearance through both.

Is it possible to add that aspect to some of the rest of the conversation? They're soldiers, yes; but they have distinct voices in dialogue, and it seems a pity that there's less of them to see.

Janus look at the Private, then nodded. ‘Probably,’[s] he agreed.[/s]

'...he agreed' sticks out as superfluous. He's just nodded, surely he agrees, if casually or flippantly, 'agreed' adds nothing to either and drags the point. 'Probably' is an amusing response, especially with how blase Janus seems. ^_^

When they first set out, Janus made it clear to Petterson and Barvd that he wanted a casual and friendly atmosphere whilst they patrolled. The prospect of conforming to military discipline in what was already destined to be a painfully boring routine did not appeal to him.

As a note: The clarity of simply saying things as they are, to the point, is one of your strengths, I think. But at times, you may lose some nuance with a lack tense variety. In the above, you might use (I believe the tag is...) past perfect? 'When they HAD first set out,' - like so, merely to get the depth/detail of that was then, now it's clear, etc.

I’m happy here,’ Barvd said in a small voice.

This seemed to put Barvd in a painfully small light; though it's the vagary of 'small voice' that feels awkward. He's a soldier, but he could be a pansy, or led-by-the-nose sort. Is he saying it meekly? Quickly?

Merely a suggestion.

Janus,’ Petterson said, ‘how old are you? Nineteen? Twenty?’

‘I’m eighteen.’

‘And already a Sergeant? That’s impressive, y’know that?’

Janus squirmed inwardly; he hated praised - he never knew how to react to it. Supposedly he should be used to it by now, but it still felt unnatural. ‘So they say,’ he grunted.

‘You’re one of the youngest soldiers in the platoon, and yet second-in-command.’

Though the dialogue tends to flow, this break and then re-entry into conversation sounded awkward for how it was begun. Patterson comes off, addressing Janus by his name out of [apparently] silence, as childish, overly inquiring, green.

With his attitude earlier, and later, wouldn't he be more likely to begin casually, thoughtlessly? Like so, perhaps: 'So...Janus, how olde were you again? 'Thought you said, what, nineteen? Twenty?'

You have introduced Janus' intent to have the atmosphere remain casual, despite his rank. Otherwise, the question would stick out like a like the pope in black. ^_^'

‘You’re one of the youngest soldiers in the platoon, and yet second-in-command.’

Janus shrugged. ‘There are other eighteen-year-old Sergeants. It’s just the way the force works. Pick out any young boy or girl that shows a sign of promise and drill them and test them. Those that make it through to Sergeant can be the poster boy of the British Army - it lets them say, “look, this young lad made it up the ranks, why not you too?” I’m not really special in anyway, I’m just another form of propaganda.’

Are they stunned? Are they impressed? Cynical? Dubious?

This hovers on the edge of dialogue-for-the-purpose of dumping information without having to slide it in another way.

‘You’re one of the youngest soldiers in the platoon, and yet second-in-command.’

This is Patterson, I assume? Though he sounds suddenly more formal and well-spoken. On that note: Do these soldiers ever swear? I could easily hear Patterson laughing, snapping - 'Hell! One of the youngest soldiers and second in command?'

But the above neither implies it, nor impresses me with anything else.

‘Oh,’ said Petterson. He almost looked disappointed.

There! Briefly and to the point, you've given the reader of sense of how Patterson reacts.

By the way, Janus' reaction is deftly understated and abashed/distracted. That does come through in his speech, nicely.

A momentary, awkward silence spilled into the still air

'Spilled' strikes me as an odd thing for silence to do, especially into the air - and the alliteration - intentionally? Perhaps - though it's minute thing to pick at - you could toy with that.

‘That’s not to say I couldn’t kick your arse though,’ Janus said, probing the waters with a slight joke.

‘Oh yeah?’ Petterson said, ‘You wanna try that one on for size, little man?’

An apt interjection of humour. ^_^ Though maybe a modifier other than 'slight' - you might slip something stronger or more precise in, and as you've done previously, catch Janus' attitude with it as well. At this point, 'slight' is nearly needless.

Barvd stopped walking and turned around to face his two companions. Janus and Petterson slowed to a halt a second later. Scratching his prematurely-grey hair, Barvd said to Petterson, ‘The Sergeant’s technique trumps your size advantage.’ He shrugged and started walking again. ‘I’ve watched you both in training, and I defiantly think the Sergeant would win.’

Barvd comes out as diffidently drawn, at best, throughout this part. He seems a third person for a third's sake. This, however, gives a much better impression of him - 'prematurely grey hair' is a neat detail, and along with his quiet manner, paints a bit clearer picture of him.

It's rather late in the narrative, nonetheless. Perhaps something of his reaction to the conversation could be interjected earlier on?

After all, there were few people in the army he respected more than Barvd.

Really? ...But why? There's something even-tempered, and perhaps thoughtful about Barvd. But 'the small voice' made him seemed crushed or vague or weak - if not all. Intentional?

‘I memorised the map.’ He coughed. ‘Private Petterson, Private Barvd - follow my lead; triangle formation. Guns on safety, and only fire on my order.’

I very much like that finish for Janus, in this chapter. No misplaced tags and a sense of light humour as well. ^_^

The two soldiers saluted. ‘Yes sir,’ [s]they said in unison.[/s]

Another instance of the dialogue tag repeating what the action has shown. They both salute together - speech marks and 'yes sir' makes it abundantly clear they've reacted together.

--

Well, in the end, again - it was a lull. But I think it was a well-chosen slowing for the dialogue, and for the time to become more familiar with the characters. You've dropped the constantly repeating sentence structure; but I notice a tendency to hold to certain tenses without variation - vary that a bit, and Pandora (in this chapter) ought to read more smoothly.

As to the dialogue and description - crisp, to the point for speech (overwhelmingly). But there is a lack - not mere brevity - when it comes to appearances or aspects of the soldiers.

And I'm short on time - but I hope that's helpful to any extent. ^_^

IMP

[critique: CCF ]

ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."

-Lloyd Alexander

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Sureal

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Sun Mar 25, 2007 7:07 pm

Sureal says... · Sun Mar 25, 2007 7:07 pm

Thankyou so much Imp. ^_^

I'll get around to editing this as soon as I find the time (about a week from now), as well writing the third chapter.

Just one comment: Barvd's one of, if not the, best solider in the platoon (as hinted at in Chapter One), hence Janus' respect for him. But he's also very quiet and withdrawn - his silence throughout much of this chapter was intentional.

I wrote the above just for you.

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Poor Imp

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Sun Mar 25, 2007 10:38 pm

Poor Imp says... · Sun Mar 25, 2007 10:38 pm

Sureal wrote:Thankyou so much Imp. ^_^

I'll get around to editing this as soon as I find the time (about a week from now), as well writing the third chapter.

Just one comment: Barvd's one of, if not the, best solider in the platoon (as hinted at in Chapter One), hence Janus' respect for him. But he's also very quiet and withdrawn - his silence throughout much of this chapter was intentional.

Ah. I think I recall from the previous chapter concerning Barvd. I rather like his being quiet; it was more than he seemed nearly nonexistent in the way the narrative didn't even touch on his presesce past his first remark. Or something along those lines. ^_^''

I'll look out for the next chapter then.

IMP

ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."

-Lloyd Alexander

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Sureal

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Sat Mar 31, 2007 10:47 pm

Sureal says... · Sat Mar 31, 2007 10:47 pm

I've made a few minor edits for Chapter Two.

I wrote the above just for you.

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Sureal

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Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:27 pm

Sureal says... · Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:27 pm

Pandora’s Tears

Chapter Three
-- Officer Harding

Date: 14th August, 2011

The house was surrounded by a dozen-or-so men, most clad in the brown leathers of the town guard. Although armed, they looked at ease, and the quiet muttering of their conversations carried a sense of detachment. A single demon straying into an urbanised area wasn’t an uncommon occurrence, and the guard had been through such situations countless times before.

An ambulance sat by the road. Two doctors checked over a young shell-shocked couple slumped in portable chairs. One of the guardsmen - an Officer, judging by the cap he wore - talked with the man, occasionally nodding and scribbling in his notepad.

The Officer looked up, and his eyes caught sight of the newly arrived Janus, Peterson and Barvd. He said something to the man, patted the woman on the shoulder, and walked over.

‘Sergeant Janus, it’s good to see you and your men,’ he said as he approached. ‘Every gun is appreciated here.’

‘Thank you, Officer. But you appear to have me at a disadvantage - you know my name, but I don’t believe I know yours.’

‘Of course, I’m sorry. I am Officer Harding, the commanding officer of Great Wyncote’s town guard.’

Janus nodded. He hadn’t received an official briefing for the patrol, by Drace had mentioned the key figures, including Officer Bruce Harding. He was a well-built man in his late forties, and the remnants of a Scottish accent tinged his words. Like many ranking town guard officials, he was ex-military.

Presumably he’d got Janus’ name from the Governor.

‘This is Private Barvd, and Private Peterson.’ Janus indicated to each in turn. ‘So, Officer, what’s the situation?’

Harding gestured to the surrounded house. ‘A single demon has found its way into this building. We’re not far from the countryside here, and the occasional demon straying into the outer layers of the town is relatively common. It’s a textbook case, and shouldn’t be any sort of problem.’

‘I saw walls blocking the way into the town at the entrances. Don’t they run all the way around?’

‘I’m afraid not, our budget won’t allow it,’ Harding said. ‘We found a smashed-in door around the back, so we assume that’s how the demon got inside. A Mister and Missis Gilmore live in the house, no children.’

Janus nodded to the couple being attended to beside the ambulance. ‘Is that them over there?’

‘Yes. They’re both quite alright - they fled when they realised they had a demon in with them, and phoned us.’ He sighed. ‘Unfortunately, Missis Gilmore’s brother was visiting, and he still hasn’t left the house, nor have we seen any sign of him. In all honesty, I don’t think he’s survived. I’ve seen too many cases like this to be hopeful.’

‘I’m sure that’s not what Missis Gilmore would like to hear.’

‘Aye. But it seems she’s figured out as much on her own.’

Janus glanced again over at her. She was too far away to make out her facial expression, but the way she sagged into her chair, and stared endlessly at the dirt encrusted tarmac hinted at the lack of hope Harding prescribed to her.

He brought his gaze back to Harding. ‘Officer, how many men do you have available?’

‘I currently have ten men under my command.’

Janus frowned. ‘Currently?’

‘I had sixteen an hour ago, but the Governor withdrew six of them to his residence when the report came in. He has another twelve of the guard permanently stationed there also.’

‘Bastard,’ muttered Barvd, his quiet voice almost inaudible. Harding didn’t appear to catch the comment.

‘That’s a rather severe abuse of power,’ remarked Janus.

‘It’s not my place to question the Governor,’ Harding said. ‘Nor is it yours.’

‘So they say.’

Harding’ face turned hard, and Janus wondered if it was disdain at him, or at the Governor, that sculptured his features. To be frank, he didn’t much care.

‘Officer, I’d like to make a request,’ Janus said.

‘Go ahead.’

‘I’d like for my men and I to be the ones to go in.’

Harding squinted at him. ‘This isn’t your fight, you know that?’

‘Look at it this way, Officer: if we go in, there’s no chance of you losing any more of your men. Besides, the entire reason we’re slugging around this town is to help protect it, so it is very much our fight,’ Janus said. ‘And I do happen to recall you saying every gun was appreciated,’ he added.

‘You don’t need to try and convince me,’ Harding chuckled, his face relieved of its scowl. ‘I was just surprised.’ His voice became serious again. ‘I’m sure the three of you will have no trouble with a single demon anyway.’

‘Damn right,’ grunted Peterson. Everyone turned to look at him.

Janus said, ‘Very good, Private.’

‘Thank you sir.’

‘The demon was last seen on the ground floor, in the dining room. Mister Alba was in the toilet on the first floor when his sister and her husband fled. If he’s still alive, make sure you keep him that way.’

‘Naturally.’ He turned to Barvd and Peterson. ‘You heard the man, only fire when you’re sure of your target.’ He turned from them, and walked towards the house. ‘Alright, guns off safety. We’re sticking together for this one; we’ll either flush the bastard out for the guard, or else we’ll take it out ourselves.’

(((*stabs chapter* I think I'm just gonna scrap this and re-write it from scratch.)))

I wrote the above just for you.

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