My love

We can not fight more than we fought today,
It can not hurt more than it has hurt today,
My heart has bled for you,
My sole has wept for you,
If I be not your only, true desire,
Then my love I must depart from you.

Our love has grown cold and old,
Like many things it has escaped our groping hands,
Our passion is sealed behind a locked door,
We are alone in our stony bed,
There is no space in my heart for you,
My love I must depart from you.

Kiss these cold lips goodbye,
Reasons beyond reason have torn us apart,
When did this silence become so loud?
It screams in pain to me,
It swears in anger, I dare not disagree,
My love you have gone from me.

He is but a shadow in my dreams,
But he haunts me so,
I do not lie awake beside you,
I do not kiss your lips,
I have seen fit never to remember you,
My love I have forgotten you.

I like it. It seems to talk about something important if not for you, others. But ther are a few parts i didn't understand.

"It screams in pan to me,"
is pan supposed to be pain?
other than that everything is just fine. Keep up the good work.

sorry it's suposed to be pain i must have missed that

I like this, it has a lot of emotion threaded all the way through and that's good because in some poems the emotion is in the first stanza to capture the readers attention but then it slowly fizzles away and leaves me numb, because not one emotion is left present.

So yeah, good.

Yay! My first line by line!


We can not fight more than we fought today,
It can not hurt more than it has hurt today, [I don't particularly like these two todays in a row]
My heart has bled for you,
My soul has wept for you, [once again, not liking the repetition here]
If I be not your only, true desire,
Then, my love, I must depart from you. [I would suggest emphasizing "my love"

Our love has grown cold and old, [Maybe move old to another line?]
Like many things it has escaped our groping hands, [This line interrupts the flow]
Our passion is sealed behind a locked door,
We are alone in our stony bed,
There is no space in my heart for you, [this is a good line, I'm just not sure I like it here]
My love, I must depart from you.

Kiss these cold lips goodbye, [maybe use farewell instead? It sounds a little more classy then goodbye]
Reasons beyond reason have torn us apart,
When did this silence become so loud? [I like these lines!]
It screams in pain to me,
It swears in anger, I dare not disagree, [The second half of this line interrupts the flow]
My love you have gone from me. [This line doesn't have as many syllables as the other ending lines in the stanzas, and kinda threw me off]

He is but a shadow in my dreams,
But he haunts me so, [Who's "he?" Is he the "you" the speaker's been referring to during this poem?]
I do not lie awake beside you,
I do not kiss your lips, [I think it would be cool if you added more syllables here to match those of the previous line's]
I have seen fit never to remember you, [This line is wordy and a bit awkward.]
My love I have forgotten you. [So soon?]


All in all, I liked the emotion that this poem provoked. I would suggest not ending so many lines in "you." Add some variety! It'll make this poem pretty stinkin' fantastic. Sorry if my comments were hard to read!