Fantasy

Chapter One

Ring.
“Damn it, who is calling at 3 a.m.?"
Kevin slowly progressed out of bed and pulled on his dressing gown he had been given for Christmas the month before.
Ring.
“Yes I’ coming.” He murmured to himself.
As he walked he could feel the cold, wooden flooring of the hallway beneath him. Kevin picked up the slightly dirty telephone receiver and placed it to his ear.
“Hello, Kevin Ramsden speaking” He said holding back a yawn.
“Hello, Kevin its me, Gail”
Gail was he ex wife. They divorced two years ago but had a little girl a few months before then.
“Oh, what do you what now?” He sighed “More money? Well I haven’t got any.”
“N….”
Kevin put the receiver back into its holder. The last thing he wanted do is talk to his ex at 3am.
Ring.
“This better be quick,” He said smacking it to his ear.
“Well what is it?” He yawned
“It’s not money, I just need somebody to look after Ayasha for a couple of weeks. And seeing as you’re her father...”
“Can’t you ask ‘Mark’” Kevin spoke sarcastically.
“Please Kevin”
“…”
“Thank-you so much Kev! I’ll drop her off in two days. Night!”
But before Kevin even had the chance to argue back she had put the phone down.
“Thanks Kev I’ll drop her off in two days” He mimicked, “ringing me at 3am to tell me she’ll be round in two days. Bloody Cheek.”

Kevin walked down stairs to find his laptop still switched onto a blank page of Word with the only letters that read Mystery Of The Runaway Fairy. He was planning to write a book. Kevin had always dreamed of writing a best seller. He had tried romance, crime and even a couple of teen books but none of them had been successful, they had barely even got past the publishers let a lone off the shelves. He sat down in front of the screen and stared. After ten minutes of just staring he fell asleep.

Ok.

Wheres the conflict? There doesnt seem to be any conflict, plot or character motives throughout the piece and thus it lacks in view point. THe piece seems to be objective and unfinished. Why is this fantasy? I see no fantastical elements inside the story?

My advice is to sit down and think about where you want your characters to go, meet. What do you want to explore in the story then map out your ideas. Write every day for three weeks - short stories about your character or poems based off your work. Then, have a look at your writing before and your writing after the three weeks hardship. Then you will be on the author band wagon and have a starter pack of writing tools.

Read: http://hollylisle.com s writing articles, you can learn alot from her.

Write, write write and if you really want to be a writer, never give up!

Aside from dialogue punctuation -- which is sorely needed here--I agree with Phorcys here, there needs to be some confilct; something that drives the story and the character. As it is, we've got nothing to keep us hooked or even remotely interested; work on that and post more.

well i just cant figer out where the story is suposed to be going, but the writing is good and the flow of what is happaning too the character is also good. it just need direction and a litle time should make it good. i see a litle bit of conflict the character does not realy want to look after his kid so what happens next? is it about the growth of him into a good parent? does he write his book? I also do not see the fantastical idea or thems what are they? go back to the plan and link up the ideas and flow try and make everything conect
siphiwe

I disagree. This isn't a short story, it's an opening to a longer piece, and so you don't need that conflict immediately.

That being said, there is a conflict between the two speaking, and you start at the right point - where the story starts. This guy is obviously going to struggle with this girl, and you've shown his dislike of the idea. I think you have a strong opening. Run with it.

Gail was he ex wife. They divorced two years ago but had a little girl a few months before then.

Info dump. Don't need it. Slip it into the dialogue, or his actions. Maybe when he knows who is speaking he rubs his bare ring finger. And the little girl thing is easily solved - you have it in the dialogue already, so scrap this sentence.


As said above, you need to learn proper punctuation. If you don't, you won't go any further in your writing than where you are now. So learn what you need to learn, and don't be lazy about it.

Also, your dialogue needs work. Every character seems himself as the central roll, remember, even if he isn't. Every bit of dialogue should advance the plot of character.

“Hello, Kevin Ramsden speaking”

This guy seems really pissed off at being disturbed so early in the morning. It doesn't seem to fit that he'd say this. It's not blunt enough, and too formal.

Why doesn't he just say 'Kevin Ramsden.' or 'Hello?'

“Oh, what do you what now?” He sighed “More money? Well I haven’t got any.”


Not blunt enough, not angry enough. He seems almost passive, even though he puts the phone down. 'What the hell do you want now? More money? Well I don't have any.'

“It’s not money, I just need somebody to look after Ayasha for a couple of weeks. And seeing as you’re her father...”

This seems a little too brief for what she's asking. If I was this guy, I'd expect more info than this before I look after a two year old for a couple of weeks - it's a hell of a responsibility.

“…”

At this point, you have an excellent opportunity for some character developement, to let the reader 'get' this guy. Give me his train of thought. What's he thinking to make him agree? He hates his ex-wife, still loves her? He loves his daughter, thinks he can't look after her? Does he know she wouldn't ask him if she could help it, and so he knows there's no point in arguing? Give me these details so I can know this guy.

“Thanks Kev I’ll drop her off in two days” He mimicked, “ringing me at 3am to tell me she’ll be round in two days. Bloody Cheek.”

When people say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, they kind of get it right when it comes to writing. When your characters are sarcastic, it has to be at the right moment, and it has to be funny, or have a use. This doesn't. I don't know this guy well enough to find him funny, I don't know him well enough to think he's wittier than this. It makes me think this guy's a bit of an arse. I'd scrap most of that, and have him say 'Bloody cheek.' He's already had a go at the sarcasm, and too much will have me hate him.





Kevin walked down stairs to find his laptop still switched onto a blank page of Word with the only letters that read Mystery Of The Runaway Fairy. He was planning to write a book. Kevin had always dreamed of writing a best seller. He had tried romance, crime and even a couple of teen books but none of them had been successful, they had barely even got past the publishers let a lone off the shelves. He sat down in front of the screen and stared. After ten minutes of just staring he fell asleep.

Okay, I have a huge problem with this. It's extremely cliche, and not very interesting. Does this guy have to be a writer? If he does, give him some quirks, and move him from he stereotype (maybe he only writes with pen and paper, maybe he does so only at certain times. Use your imagination). You give a list of the books he's tried to write, but it doesn't come off too well - it looks like you've simply named some genres you know, without any real thought into this guy's mind.

You put too much info. in this little paragraph, too. You can spread this throughout the book.

By the end of this, I almost know the plot. Daughter comes over, he struggles at first, then gets his stride on while still trying to write. His daughter turns out to be his muse, and he writes his best seller and has his daughter love him again.

If that is the plot, stop writing. If it's not, don't make it look like it is - don't telegraph everything. This is only the opening.

- Andy

Well if it was only a beginning I still would critiscise it. The "Phonecall from girl friend" idea is very very cliche. I also think it is a very bland beginning to a story that does not draw the reader in at all. Why - LACK OF CONFLICT!

Lack of conflict because there's no sword fight or real argument? Lack of conflict because there's no two people having an overly obvious conflict?

There doesn't need to be conflict to hook, Phorcys. Having an interesting character is enough, IMO.

THe piece seems to be objective and unfinished.

This is where I stopped reading your post.

Chapter One

Ring.

This is why.

- Andy

Ok, Ill write a story about an interesting character with no conflict. Lets see how far you get into it before you wish I was never born to write such rubbish.

---

Dandy skipped through the meadow whilst doing handsprings and twirling through the air. He sand loudly. Everything was perfect in Dandy’s world. He stopped to shake hands with a demon then the devil skipped towards him.

Dany the devil and the demon danced and skipped all day, they loved each other. They threw a party. They Danced all night without getting tired. You didn’t need to sleep in Dandy’s world. It was perfect. Dandy did several handsprings whilst beaming at a fluffy rabbit. That was his wife. Mrs. Dandy.

He kissed her before kissing the Demon and the Devil and thanking them for coming around.

“THankyou,” Dandy chirped to his friends, “Come again soon”

The sun beamed and the flowers bloomed just like every day. Dandy smelled a rose and cried with happiness. He loved his world….

-----

No conflict - boring. Its simple. Without conflict in a story then there is no story. Conflict is the driving force of a novel and without it being on every single page then you should stop and rethink.

Your argument for there being no conflict in chapter 1 can be demolished - Chapter one should have alot of conflict to bring a reader into the story. A Bland chapter one will result in the reader shutting the book faster than you can say "Charles Dickens".

Im not saying that you should have a sword fight or that the characters should go to war but the fact that there is but a droplet or no conflict in this story shows that it needs work.

Our opinions on an interesting character different greatly, it seems. And, of course, the quality of writing has a lot to do with things, Phorcys.

The start of the story didn't really make me want to read more of it.

The characters didn't really have personalities and the dialogue had severe problems.

It's just a beginning, and anything can happen, but why did you put it in the Fantasy Forum? It lacks all the needed things for a fantasy story.

Also, I find it a lot easier to write about characters about my age, as I have experianced most of the things they are going through, and I can relate to them. Can you relate strongly to a divorced father?

But with a bit of editing, it could come out OK.

Good luck!

RR*

Okay, so here it goes (bear with me, this is my first review):

-I think that you should work on punctuation.

-Also, try describing the emotions of your characters a bit more.

-As to the times, (I'm not sure, though) I think that there is to much of the 'had'. Again, I am not sure.

Personally, I think that if you add a continuation, this can be turned into a great story. Bewst of luck!

-Elein