Complicated Love; Chapter one (13+)

1
18th century.
Kassa fiddled with her skirts impatiently, never before had the introductions been so slow! Beside her, her brother watched her wondering why she was so eager to get into the ballroom. Finally the herald introduced them and her brother offered her his arm and walked her down the long elegant stairway. The carpet was a deep red and the banisters were pure gold polished until they were as good as mirrors.

“Why are you so eager?” He whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

“I am not eager.” Kassa cried indignantly but she was a poor liar, she ignored what he said next, her eyes sweeping across the ballroom for her love. She could see him standing in the shadows; he blended in with them so well it was eerie.

Almost an hour had passed before Kassa could break free of all the young men crowding around her. She crept into the shadows and let herself be embraced by Jok. His ruby red eyes studied her face as he kissed her gently.

“I missed you.” She said gently, Jok smiled at her and looked her up and down.

“You look beautiful.” Kassa smiled and curtsied, she wore a deep blue dress almost as blue as her sapphire coloured eyes. The bodice was tight to show of her curved elegant figure, yet the sleeves and the skirts of the dress were full and swam about her as she moved. Around her waist was a silver chain decorated with tiny sapphire droplets. The same droplets shimmered in her hair that was pinned up into a loose bun leaving a few midnight strands to frame her elegant face.

“Thank you…” Kassa said struggling to say how he looked, he was beautiful but even that was too weak. He had midnight black hair like hers but his swept off his face and tied into a pony tail. He wore black satin breeches and a satin tunic trimmed in silver. His shirt was silver silk with full sleeves. His eyes as red as rubies were soft and gentle when he was around her, but she had seen them around other people. Then they were empty and cold, as if he was afraid to get close to them. As if they would find something out.

“Would you like to dance princess?” He bowed offering his arm, smiling Kassa curtsied and accepted his arm laughing happily as he spun her about and led her onto the dance floor. Kassa was grateful for the hand that clasped her waist firmly keeping her upright. She felt giddy and…dangerous. Something about Jok made her feel wild and dangerous.

She didn’t realise he had led her out into the balcony until she felt her hot skin cooled by the soft breeze. Jok led her into the shadows and kissed her again, his lips were soft like a butterfly’s wings and barely touched her own.

“I have to leave.” He said it suddenly and Kassa could feel her world falling apart. She knew he had to leave sometime but…the reality was a lot more painful then she had pictured it. I really am in love with him! A voice in her head cried, she shook it away. Of course she was in love with him…

“When?” she forced her voice to sound steady and calm. She would not cry in front of him.

“Tonight…” Jok looked down at her, his eyes burned into hers and Kassa felt herself been drawn into a trance. “Kassa do you love me?” His voice sounded distant and far off, yet clear.

“Of course I do! I have never felt this way about anyone,” her voice came out in a dazed whisper. She tried to break free of his gaze but he held it firmly, she could see something flickering in those deep ruby eyes. But what was it? Fear?!

“Come down to the courtyard with me.” He said finally breaking his gaze; Kassa nodded and slipped her hand into his. She tried to bite back the tears but it was too hard. When they reached the courtyard Kassa sat on a bench sweeping her skirts around her feet graciously. She watched Jok carefully, his skin was even paler during the night then it was during the day. Is that even possible? A small voice whispered in her head, sometimes Jok could be so pale it was like his body was empty of blood but when she saw him the next day – no night…she hardly ever saw him during the day – his skin would be glowing!

“Why must you leave tonight? Can you not stay for a week? Please?”

“No I have to leave tonight it is important.”

“Why?” Kassa persisted feeling tears trickle down her cheeks, Jok was at her side in an instant brushing them away gently with his thumb. He held her chin with his index finger and thumb and tilted her head up towards his.

“Something about me has being,” he paused struggling for the right word, “discovered. I must leave tonight before word gets around.” Kassa opened her mouth to ask him what had been discovered. What was so important that he had to keep it a secret…and then flee when it had been found out? “If there was a way – any – way we could stay together…would you take it?”

“Of course! Jok I would die for you!” Kassa cried and in that moment she knew it was true. She would give up everything she had just for him! Her royal title, her family, her friends, her jewels and other possessions but most importantly…she would give her life up for him. “But there is no way…is there?” Jok lowered his head and Kassa watched him curiously, the hand holding her chin moved towards her cheek and petted it lightly. “Jok?” When he lifted his head again she could feel her heart pounding in fear. “Oh my god,” She whispered, “oh…my…god.”

Two fangs that sparkled pure white in the moonlight shone at her, Jok’s eyes met her own and held her gaze. She could feel the hand on her cheek working up towards her hair, he tugged at something and then she felt something soft brushing her neck. Reaching up Kassa found that he had pulled her hair out of its bind so that it hung down loosely.

“Please Jok!” She cried quietly standing up and preparing to bolt. Jok stood up with her and wrapped a firm hand around her waist. “No please!”

“You said anything Kassa,” he reminded her, “this way we can be together…forever.”

"No!” She cried but already she could feel herself being pulled into that trance. She tried to fight it; she tried to blink back the tears that trickled down her cheek. She could feel herself been lost in those deep eyes, she tried to struggle one more time and then gave in. she could have screamed…but apart of her wanted this. He was right, they could be together forever.

Slowly Jok bent his head down and brushed his lips along her lips, Kassa let him still crying silently.

"I am sorry but…I have to do this.” Gently he wove one hand into her soft hair and pulled her head to the side gently exposing her soft pale throat. His lips brushed the base of her throat looking for her pulse, he found it beating frantically. He could almost taste the fear in her blood.

Kassa let out a small gasp as his fangs pierced her neck, but the small pain only lasted a split second. Then she was surrounded by warmth, she was thankful for the strong arm around her waist as she was sure she’d collapse without it. Without even thinking she wrapped her arms around Jok’s neck and sighed.

She could feel Jok sinking into her mind; she let him and smiled at what he saw. He found her memories of him, their first kiss, the first time he held her and the first time she had seen him.

Jok lifted his head and smiled at her, Kassa could feel herself smiling back but she also felt herself falling asleep. Quickly Jok reached into his cape and pulled out a long sharp dagger. Kassa shook her head at him as he pressed it against the base of his throat. He only smiled at her as he nicked the skin; she stared in amazement as his blood welled in the cut and dripped to the floor.

Gently Jok cupped the back of her neck and pressed her lips against the small cut, Kassa was unsure of what she was supposed to do. The blood welled up in her mouth and eventually she swallowed it. Eagerly she drank his blood; Jok wove his hands through her hair stroking it gently.

"Rest now.” Jok whispered gathering her up into his arms; Kassa sighed and rested her head against him. She could feel darkness tugging at her mind and she let herself fall into it.

Lovely piece of work here. I enjoyed it.

Took me a while to edit it, though. I'm not sure I got all of them... Nice job, nonetheless.


E D I T T I N G

Kassa fiddled with her skirts impatiently, never before had the introductions been so slow!

Divide this sentence in two.

Beside her, her brother watched her wondering why she was so eager to get into the ballroom.

Separate ‘her’ and ‘wondering’ with a comma.

The carpet was a deep red and the banisters were pure gold polished until they were as good as mirrors.

Separate ‘gold’ and ‘polished’ with a comma.

He whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

Do not capitalize.

“I am not eager.” Kassa cried indignantly but she was a poor liar,

Change to a comma if you further describe how the character says the quote.

Separate ‘indignantly’ and ‘but’ with a comma.

I suggest you end that as a sentence.

he blended in with them so well it was eerie.

Separate ‘well’ and ‘it’ with a comma.

Almost an hour had passed before Kassa could break free of all the young men crowding around her.

Consider replacing ‘of’ with ‘from’.

“I missed you.”
Change to a comma if you further describe how the character says the quote.

The bodice was tight to show of her curved elegant figure,

The word ‘of’ is not required.

Separating ‘curved’ and ‘elegant with a comma.

“Thank you…” Kassa said struggling to say how he looked, he was beautiful but even that was too weak.

Three periods imply the character is trailing off or pausing. You continue to describe how this character acts, so replace the three periods with a comma and further describe how the character ends the quotes.

Separate ‘beautiful’ and ‘but’ with a comma.

Separate ‘beautiful’ and ‘but’ with a comma.

He wore black satin breeches

Separate ‘beautiful’ and ‘but’ with a comma.

His eyes as red as rubies were soft and

You have already described his eyes as 'ruby red'.

“Would you like to dance princess?” He bowed offering his arm, smiling Kassa curtsied and accepted his arm laughing happily as he spun her about and led her onto the dance floor.

Separate ‘dance’ and ‘princess’ with a comma.

Separate ‘bowed’ and ‘offering’ with a comma.

Replace this comma with a period.

Separate ‘smiling’ and ‘Kassa’ with a comma.

Separate ‘arm’ and ‘laughing’ with a comma.

Kassa was grateful for the hand that clasped her waist firmly keeping her upright.

Separate ‘waist’ and ‘firmly’ with a comma.

She didn’t realise he had led her out into the balcony until she felt her hot skin cooled by the soft breeze.

Unless it is spelled differently, this word is spelt ‘realize.

I believe this would be ‘onto’.

Using the word ‘the’ implies we have already encountered this specific balcony. Using ‘a’ would be a wiser choice for there would possibly be more than one balcony where she is now.

She knew he had to leave sometime but…the reality was a lot more painful then she had pictured it. I really am in love with him! A voice in her head cried,

Separate ‘sometime’ and ‘but’ with a comma.

Replace ‘then’ with ‘than’.

Italicize this phrase to emphasize thought.

Do not capitalize if it continues either quote or thought.

his eyes burned into hers and Kassa felt herself been drawn into a trance.

Replace the word ‘been’ with ‘being’.

To continue...

She tried to break free of his gaze but he held it firmly,

Separate ‘gaze’ and ‘but’ with a comma.

Replace the comma with a period to end the sentence.

Fear?!

Exclamation is not necessary.

“Come down to the courtyard with me.” He said finally breaking his gaze;

Replace the period with a comma.

Separate ‘finally’ and ‘breaking’ with a comma.

She tried to bite back the tears but it was too hard.

Separate ‘tears’ and ‘but’ with a comma.

When they reached the courtyard Kassa sat on a bench sweeping her skirts around her feet graciously.

Separate ‘courtyard’ and ‘Kassa’ with a comma.

Separate ‘bench’ and ‘sweeping’ with a comma.

his skin was even paler during the night then it was during the day.

Replace the word ‘then’ with ‘than’.

Is that even possible? A small voice whispered in her head, sometimes Jok could be so pale it was like his body was empty of blood but when she saw him the next day – no night…she hardly ever saw him during the day

Italicize the thought to strengthen the exaggeration.

Unnecessary capitalization.

Replace the comma with either a semicolon or period.

Separate ‘blood’ and ‘but’ with a comma.

Make sure to space between a word and punctuation.

“Why?” Kassa persisted feeling tears trickle down her cheeks, Jok was at her side in an instant brushing them

Separate ‘persisted’ and ‘feeling’ with a comma.

Replace the comma with either a semicolon or period.

Separate ‘instant’ and ‘brushing’ with a comma.

“Something about me has being,” he paused struggling for the right word,

Replace the word ‘being’ with ‘been.

Separate ‘paused’ and ‘struggling' with a comma.

keep it a secret…and then flee when

Make sure to separate words from punctuation.

could stay together…would you take it?”

Make sure to separate words from punctuation.

and in that moment she knew it was true.

Separate ‘moment’ and ‘she’ with a comma.

other possessions but most importantly…she would give her life up for him. “But there is no way…is there?”

Separate ‘possession’ and ‘but’ with a comma.

Make sure to separate words from punctuation.

watched him curiously, the hand

Replace this comma with either a semicolon or a period.

When he lifted his head again she could feel her

Separate ‘again’ and ‘she’ with a comma.

“Oh my god,” She whispered, “oh…my…god.”

Unnecessary capitalization.

Make sure to separate words from punctuation.

To finish...

moonlight shone at her, Jok’s eyes met

Replace this comma with either a semicolon or a period.

towards her hair, he tugged

Replace this comma with a period.

Reaching up Kassa found that he had

Separate ‘up’ and ‘Kassa’ with a comma.

She cried quietly standing

Separate ‘cried’ and ‘quietly’ with a comma.

“No please!”

Separate ‘No’ and ‘please’ with a comma.

be together…forever.”

Make sure to separate words from punctuation.

"No!” She cried but already

Unnecessary capitalization.

Separate ‘cried’ and ‘but’ with a comma.

She could feel herself been lost in those deep eyes,

Replace the word ‘been’ with ‘being’.

she could have screamed…but apart of her wanted this. He was right, they could be together forever.

Capitalize the beginning word of the sentence.

Make sure to separate words from punctuation.

Replace this comma with either a semicolon or a period.

Kassa let him still crying silently.

Separate ‘him’ and ‘still’ with a comma.

sorry but…I have

Make sure to separate words from punctuation.

head to the side gently exposing her soft pale throat. His lips brushed the base of her throat looking for her pulse, he found it beating

Separate ‘side’ and ‘gently’ with a comma.

Separate ‘soft’ and ‘pale’ with a comma for they are two adjectives describing a noun.

Separate ‘throat’ and ‘looking’ with a comma.

Replace this comma with either a semicolon or a period.

Then she was surrounded by warmth, she was thankful for the strong

Replace this comma with either a semicolon or a period.

Without even thinking she wrapped her arms around

Separate ‘thinking’ and 'she' with a comma.

He found her memories of him, their first kiss,

Replace this comma with either a semicolon or period.

smiled at her, Kassa could feel herself smiling back but she also felt

Replace with either a semicolon or a period.

Separate ‘back’ and ‘but’ with a comma.

Quickly Jok reached into his cape and pulled out a long sharp dagger.

Separate ‘Quickly’ and ‘Jok’ with a comma.

Separate ‘long’ and ‘sharp’ with a comma.

Gently Jok cupped the back of her neck and pressed her lips against the small cut, Kassa was unsure of

Separate ‘Gently’ and ‘Jok’ with a comma.

Replace with either a semicolon or a period.

Eagerly she drank his blood; Jok wove his hands through her hair stroking it gently.

Separate ‘Eagerly’ and ‘she’ with a comma.

Separate ‘hair’ and ‘stroking’ with a comma.

"Rest now.” Jok whispered gathering her up into his arms;

Replace with a comma.

Separate ‘whispered’ and ‘gathering’ with a comma.[/b]


Other than that small amount of grammitical errors...... It was quite nice.

Your description is intricate and your scenery is lively.

I liked it quite alot.

Nice job and keep up the nice work.

O...k... Mesh, did you really have to criticise EVERY little grammar mistake Mouse made? That was a little harsh...

I thought this was a great story, and the twist at the end was excellent. You've been watching Buffy, haven't you? The sire was extremely accurate lol.

Mesh, are you just wanting the points?


To me, your story was very good. And I cant wait to read more.

Harley wrote:O...k... Mesh, did you really have to criticise EVERY little grammar mistake Mouse made? That was a little harsh...

I thought this was a great story, and the twist at the end was excellent. You've been watching Buffy, haven't you? The sire was extremely accurate lol.

lol it ain't harsh I know my grammar is awful, my 13yr old friend (coincidently my editor ) keeps rubbing it in that I have bad grammar lol. I do try and find what's wrong but I just don't know what I'm doing with it, kind of bad for a 17yr old

Thanks for the crit guys, I am looking at it but I have to work on coursework which is why I haven't replied lol

I love it! It's written so elegantly. The detail is perfect and you really capture the characters emotions perfectly.

Wow! I just loved it...but I agree with the Meshalidar on the grammer. Maybe you should condsider getting someone else to edit your stuff. Good job. I can't wait to read more.

Hi, I'm SuzieCake and today, I'm reviewing your work.

First off all, I would like to say that the story was amazing. The only thing you really need to work on are your periods, commas, and semi-colons. Other than that, I'm loving the story line so far. =)

Below in the attachment is the rest of my review. I hope it is helpful. =)