Rabbit Hole

Coldplay
is coming out
of the trees
oh yeah.
Still kissing my heart,
the bruise is a
purple aura
on my head.
It scribbles away like
the typo that starts
a war like
Gallipoli.
And I'm crying.
Running through a field of fish
to reach out to a dying dawn,
too late to call the score
on a sunset waterloo.
Traded and trying their
brand new gold chains,
with a faux fur lining from Salvo,
like the hillbillies of love,
the mispellings of time,
photos that say a reminiscence renaisance
inside a sketch of a girl
with her hair falling down
and her eyes at the height
of summer's change to fall.
a new leaf drifts down
the rabbit hole.
a new world turns over
to have its belly rubbed
in the dirt.

It's not bad. But...of course I have a few things to say.

First, the beginning is very stringy. Really...like string cheese, just kind of falling apart. It starts to get better about 10-15 lines down, but the beginning really needs more umph.

Also, I would consider taking you as the narrator out completely and just going with an omniscent narrator. You have the flow for it...throwing that 'I' in there really distracts the reader.

Happy Editing!
Amego

I disagree with the bit about the 'I'. It was definitely a stumble; I went back and reread that line, which threw me out of the flow of the poem. In my opinion, that's good, since you drew me out of the semi-conscious state of fluent readers.

Ugh, I don't know what I'd do with two totally different opinions like that!

I love the poem fun to read but the beginning was a little boring I guess maybe you could put some ligns together and make them couple syllables longers.

but overall the poem was fun to read especially this line "photos that say a reminiscence renaisance"

=) keep writing=)happy reading(=

Was this originally centered? Because your linebreaks seem all off to me in this left alignment.

But beyond that, I really like this poem.

My favorite parts: It scribbles away like / the typo that starts / a war like / Gallipoli. & Running through a field of fish & a new world turns over / to have its belly rubbed / in the dirt.

I love that ending.

I actually don't mind the first person narrative interspersed throughout. My vote is to leave it. That or change -my- to -her/him- and -I- to -she/he-.

I think there are some issues with your punctuation or lack there of from L17 - L26. See if you can revise that, make it not so much a run-on.

Hope this helps, good luck.
CL


Courtesy of SPEW and Kitten Eaters Anonymous

Ooh, I like this poem. I'm not completely sure what it means, but it's cool. It seems like it can barely get away with all these allusions, but barely-getting-away in a good way.

I disagree with write me. I do like the beginning. Well, I like the Coldplay part. That part is smooth and like it's wearing a leather jacket and riding some sexy motorcycle. The purple aura part is shaky, though. It's kind of standing on the sidewalk being all complex and it's being pushed over by the wind from the motorcycle because it's not entirely sure where its ankles are.

My favorite line:

a new world turns over
to have its belly rubbed
in the dirt.

Hurrah!

Oh, and renaissance has two s's. Yep.

Lovely poem!
Colleen