james in love

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Points 890

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Thu Nov 23, 2006 11:32 pm

GRIM-SLEEPER says... · Thu Nov 23, 2006 11:32 pm

[color=red] My parents started to cry as shabby camper van drove off. i turn and i saw the hospice it looked cold but it actually wasn't. the only reason i am here is because i have cancer. "what are you up to and what is the matter" said nicky. he was with my two other friends Millie and Lewis they were the only ones i could trust in this place, this scary place. "well my parents just came to see me but it is so hard to say good bye and i miss them so much and my brat of a sister" i said with a tear trickling down my face. " well it is nearly 10 we better get to bed we all shared the same room seeing as we all had the same problem. the light was turned off. i woke at precisely 12.05 and i heard a scream coming from the corridor so i woke all my friends and said " listen to that it sounds so scary" i pushed the button which makes a nurse come to you straight a way. but it didn't work so i ran outside and pushed that one and that one worked. so all i could see was some one in there it was only because she had her nee cap pop out in the night. we were all awake at 10 am i said to Lewis "are we friends"
he replied "yes but there is something i have to tell you i am in love with nicky". i stood there speechless. "well that is OK because i am in love with Millie and she is wonderful i would ask her to marry me if i could". nick came along. Lewis told nick how he felt and from then on i went out with Millie (who made me the happiest man alive and Lewis went out with nick.

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this is dedicated to the one i love Millie the girl of my dreams!!![/color]

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Emerson

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Points 32885

Reviews 2058

Fri Nov 24, 2006 12:23 am

Emerson says... · Fri Nov 24, 2006 12:23 am

It was rather difficult to understand in places.

Try making paragraphs, adding story elements (characters/emotions/scenes/settings/real dialog etc) use commas, periods, and capitalization when needed.

It didn't make sense in several places...I'm not sure what kind of story this is either, since it was so short and confusing. Why are they in the hospital? Why do his parents drive away? Who is nick/Nicky and Millie? And his friends? What?

It's just very....chaotic.

“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Sam

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Points 6090

Reviews 1258

Fri Nov 24, 2006 5:53 am

Sam says... · Fri Nov 24, 2006 5:53 am

Ack, I know I sound like a broken record, but separate your paragraphs, please! It's much easier to read (even though it was pretty nice already, with the big font size :wink:

).

Some quick grammar things- make sure you capitalize the first letters in proper nouns and pronouns (there were a few lowercase I's in there). This'll help everything look a little more professional- along with starting each line of dialogue on a new line. Just press the return key when someone else starts to speak, and you should be set in that department.

Reading through, I did think you had a really cool idea (and a great first line, by the way)- what would it be like to be dumped off by your parents into unfamiliar surroundings? That was pretty interesting, but then, as Myth said, it got a little confusing. It's great that Millie, the girl you-and your character- love, is there, but how exactly she got there is pretty much a mystery.

This is where detail comes in. When you've got such a cool idea for a story, you want to do it justice, right? This can be helped by simply putting in description for more things- like his disgust when he found he had to share a room with a ton of people, or joy when his girlfriend showed up. What kind of place was it? Dark? Dank? Or light and sunny?

This also helps to lengthen it- a great way to show off your mad writerly skills. Of course, it's got to be interesting as well as lengthy, but I've no doubt you can pull it off.

Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin

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drunky_punky

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Points 890

Reviews 5

Fri Nov 24, 2006 1:30 pm

drunky_punky says... · Fri Nov 24, 2006 1:30 pm

not bad yh ok i agree with myth its nice story line but you need to develope ot other wise apart from grammar its preety ok(ish)

the emo emu says: if i had arms i'd cut myself..... but as it stands i'll just gnaw off my leg!

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Luxor

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Points 890

Reviews 29

Fri Nov 24, 2006 2:40 pm

Luxor says... · Fri Nov 24, 2006 2:40 pm

Um...I tried to think of a way to say this nicely, but I really can't. Your grammar is atrocious.

My parents started to cry as shabby camper van drove off.

]My parents started to cry as the shabby camper van drove off.

i turn and i saw the hospice it looked cold but it actually wasn't. the only reason i am here is because i have cancer.

Capitalise your I's please, as well as the beginnings of your sentances! And that first sentance there is a run-on. Please do something about that.

"what are you up to and what is the matter" said nicky.

Again, capitalise! And it would probably be best if you took the "and" out of there and just made it two sentances ending in question marks. Plus, you should replace the "said" with "asked". Said is okay in a lot of cases, but I think asked is best here.

he was with my two other friends Millie and Lewis they were the only ones i could trust in this place, this scary place.

That's another run-on.

"well my parents just came to see me but it is so hard to say good bye and i miss them so much and my brat of a sister" i said with a tear trickling down my face. " well it is nearly 10 we better get to bed we all shared the same room seeing as we all had the same problem.

You start both sentances with "well." Please take one out. The latter sentance here is also another run-on.

All further problems with the story have to do with the corrections I've already listed, so I'm going to leave it to you to fix them. I imagine you're something of a beginning writer, so don't take my critique too harshly. The fact of the matter is, I'm an obsessive-compulsive grammar freak, even to new ones like you. Keep practicing and you'll get better, and don't let others discourage you.

If there's ever a meat shortage, eat this profile; it's full of balogna.

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GRIM-SLEEPER

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Points 890

Reviews 3

Fri Nov 24, 2006 7:17 pm

GRIM-SLEEPER says... · Fri Nov 24, 2006 7:17 pm

yer i agree with all of you. it isn't my best piece my next one will be better

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cocoangel

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Points 890

Reviews 11

Sat Nov 25, 2006 2:24 am

cocoangel says... · Sat Nov 25, 2006 2:24 am

I'm sure this is a great story...but its red, no capitalization, not enough punctation, no paragraphs. i cannot read one long, uncapitalized, RED story. i know i know im probably spoiled but i just wanted to give you that input

anyway im sure you did a good job, keep it up, sorry if I can off as too negative!

xoxo
bee

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Karma

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Points 990

Reviews 122

Sat Nov 25, 2006 9:43 pm

Karma says... · Sat Nov 25, 2006 9:43 pm

cocoangel wrote:I'm sure this is a great story...but its red, no capitalization, not enough punctation, no paragraphs. i cannot read one long, uncapitalized, RED story. i know i know im probably spoiled but i just wanted to give you that input

When I read it I didn't even get that he had cancer, because te color and font distrated me.

Is he ten? Thats what I think I read....

My Karma Ran Over My Dogma
^------^
( 0 . 0 )
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Meow

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RoxanneR

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Points 890

Reviews 90

Sun Nov 26, 2006 3:27 pm

RoxanneR says... · Sun Nov 26, 2006 3:27 pm

Sorry, but your grammer is a bit ...strange... and the font size and colour are a bit in your face (although there may be a reason why you uses such a bright colour).

At the moment, it sounds a bit like a story plan, just the plot of the story, but with a bit of editing, you could make this into a really good story.

And please, capitalise your 'I's! It gets really annoying if the grammer is off at the start, and it gives a really bad image for the rest of the story.

Good luck with your editing, and remember, if you need any help with anything, don't hesitate to Private Message me!

RR*

Want a faithful critique? PM me!

Luv RR*

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Griffinkeeper

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Points 2702

Reviews 867

Tue Nov 28, 2006 1:13 am

Griffinkeeper says... · Tue Nov 28, 2006 1:13 am

Just a note about the font.

First, why is the color red? Is this because it's symbolic of something or did you think "hey, I like the color red. Therefore, I'll write in red." If it's for the former, there are better ways of including symbolism in a story. If it's for the latter, then I have one thing to say.

GAHHHHHHHHHH MY EYES! THEY'RE BLEEDING! WHY LORD WHY?!!!

Also, why is the size so large?

I couldn't even get past the color and the size, rendering your work unreadable.

Moderator Emeritus (frozen in carbonite.)

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lexy

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Points 890

Reviews 171

Tue Nov 28, 2006 2:20 pm

lexy says... · Tue Nov 28, 2006 2:20 pm

GRIM-SLEEPER wrote:[color=red] My parents started to cry as shabby camper van drove off. i turn(ed) and i saw the hospice.It looked cold, but it actually wasn't. the only reason i am here is because i have cancer.
"what are you up to and what is the matter" said nicky.
He was with my two other friends Millie and Lewis they were the only ones i could trust in this place, this scary place.
"well my parents just came to see me but it is so hard to say good bye and i miss them so much and my brat of a sister" i said with a tear trickling down my face.
"well it is nearly 10 we better get to bed" We were all sharing the same room seeing as we all had the same problem. the light was turned off.
(Check the changes I have made) and work with the rest of it like I have done above!!!
Theres no Spacing!!!!!!!!!!!
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[size=18]this is dedicated to the one i love Millie the girl of my dreams!!![/color]

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. - Peter O'Toole

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Griffinkeeper

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Points 2702

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Tue Nov 28, 2006 8:29 pm

Griffinkeeper says... · Tue Nov 28, 2006 8:29 pm

I'm on a rating spree!

Rated G.

Moderator Emeritus (frozen in carbonite.)

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misspriss

Gender

Points 890

Reviews 82

Mon Dec 18, 2006 2:40 am

misspriss says... · Mon Dec 18, 2006 2:40 am

I'm sorry, but if your really 13 years old I suggest you go take writing classes for three years and come back and try to patch up your reputation. I'm sorry I'm being so mean and blunt, but--IT'S AWFUL!

5 Steps to making your story better...

1) Downsize the font size to 12.
2) Correct the atrocious spelling.
3) Make the font color a classic black.
4) Make things clearer.
5) Delete everything and stop humiliating yourself.

I am sorry, I am usually a nice person, but I guess I'm feeling extremely mean right now...(I have a sore throat.

) but I suggest you delete your topic, say this out loud to yourself, correct mistakes, read it again, correct mistakes, read it out loud to a parent, correct mistakes, then read it out loud again to yourself, correct mistakes, and then repost it, reading it out loud to yourself one last time (I hope by then you've memorized it!), and post it, after correcting another zillion mistakes.

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