all the rain that never falls

and what if you don't miss me

i'm creating this whole made-up world again
except this time i'm not ready for heartbreak.
and what if you don't miss me? am i supposed
to sit here with all my love settled into the lines
of my palms, noone's hand to hold. i worry about this,
late at night. i lock up letters i write to you and pray
i'll never look back on them in regret. i've never
revered a god deeply, but for you i fear him.
for you i fear. for us.

does she like me?

wondering if someone is falling out of love with you
is a hell of a lot like pursuing them was.

in my notebook

we are two well-adjusted thirty-year olds
with good jobs and can-openers
and we find each other in a coffee shop
in a city where rain is always rain.
i meet your mother at our first christmas.
she tells me you are lovely.

[deleted]

sometimes, the rain doesn't fall. it hides itself in the clouds.
i try to remember those days, when you remind me you are long-gone
in raindrops or in sleet. what happened to "i never want to see you
again"? you screamed it at me, do you remember that? the way i
crumpled like paper under your feet, living between your two palms
like a constant prayer. i tied myself to your neck so you couldn't
breathe out a goodbye. now you scratch apologies into my chest.

[deleted]

sweet nothings

were you lying to me when you said that
everything would turn out okay?

sometimes i imagine myself in your bed

and i'm not any sort of way about it.
i lie there in my clothes, on top of your comforter,
waiting for you to walk back in the room.
you always do, you always do.

after you leave, i fall in love with everything.
with winged eyeliner and oak trees,
the rain and my own sanity. for a moment,
i catch myself thinking--is this what true love
feels like? and maybe it is. maybe it is.

the one where i try to make you understand

i don’t want to ever forget what it felt like to kiss you.
didn’t we say it’d be forever?
breaking promises, that’s what this is.
what do i do when everything reminds me of you?
i’ll wait for you. don’t tell me not to wait.
i don’t know when we forgot how to love each other. i promise
i still love you.
it’s a curse that i still love you.



is there anything i can do to make you change your mind on this?

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i'm sure my dreams are betraying me when it comes to you,
because in every single one--
whether i am on my deathbed or
a princess led to her doom or
a high school student with too much on her damn mind,
it always comes back to you, falling back in love with me.
my subconscious doesn't know you're gone for good.

just tell me,

what lies at the end of everything?


i get the last word

and drag it out until it all sinks in.


i bite my lip till it bleeds

and revel in the sight of my own blood.



i run away from my solaces

and become the person i never wanted to be.



sometimes, everything feels

like nothing, my life a blank slate once more.



tell me, what’s left when

you lost everything you ever wanted?

archetypal

am i the one who ruins herself
so the world doesn't have a chance to?