18 Years Ago

Eighteen Years Ago



In the small town of Camilla, a stranger named Christian scurries down the street which smelled of fresh rain. He looks for the right house, while trying not to get confused with where he is going at this late hour of one.
He halted in front of a house, a house that was old and broken. This was a house where the paint shed off the exterior walls, a house that no ordinary person would have noticed. He checked the address on a scrap of paper. A look of relief washed over his face, but was soon followed by an expression of remorse. He started toward the house, yet, instead of walking to the front door, he crept around the right side of it.
He found a cracked window and peered inside with saddened eyes. The baby was just on the other side. All he had to do was slip his arms and snatch her from her crib and his task would be complete. He took a deep breath and muttered a phrase inaudibly. Slowly but surely, the musky window began to rise, squeaking on the way up.
The baby was lying peacefully and silently in a crib that didn’t do her beauty justice, for it was old and weak. The room was empty except for the crib and a baby monitor sitting in the corner of it. In the distance he could here the low buzz of a television.
He was began to shake his head with disapproval. This is wrong, he thought to himself. But if he went back without her he’d surely be punished for his failure.
Slowly he grabbed the baby and cradled her in his arm, and began to walk away. But before he even took his third stride from the window, a blinding light blasted him from his left. Someone in the next house over had turned on a light.
“Hey!” A man’s voice screams. “What are you doing?!?”
Christian was in a panic and was about to lose control. All he could do was stare back at the man who had caught doing his deed. The man looked at him with a hatred that burned in to his soul. He didn’t know what to do, he had been seen and there would surely be consequences for this. Without thinking, despite all he had been taught by his master, he teleported away before things got worse.

This is in need of a lot of work.

In the small town of Camilla, a stranger named Christian scurries down the street which smelled of fresh rain. He looks for the right house, while trying not to get confused with where he is going at this late hour of one.

Terrible intro. You tell rather then show. You tell us he's a stranger rather then showing us--is he wearing foreign clothes?, is his colouring different to the norm?, his build, his status? Is it obvious or conspicous? Would it matter if he were a stranger? -- and written as it is, it just doesn't work. For the last part of that sentence, I suggest replacing 'the' with 'a'; I doubt just one street would smell like fresh rain so after 'which' you might want to add 'like all others'.

= scurries down a street which, like all the others, smelled of fresh rain.

The next sentence is awkward and doesnt make that much sense. You could break it down. I'm sure you could redo that in a better way, eg: He looks for the right house while trying not to lose his bearing. It's late, and surrounded by strange buildings in a foregin town, he is wary of getting lost.

He halted in front of a house, a house that was old and broken. This was a house where the paint shed off the exterior walls, a house that no ordinary person would have noticed. He checked the address on a scrap of paper. A look of relief washed over his face, but was soon followed by an expression of remorse. He started toward the house,

Oh dear. You are far too repetitive. You say 'house' 5 times dammit. First sentence: He halted in front of an old, broken house. [enter detailed description] and use 'building' or 'residence'; mix it up.

He was began to shake his head with disapproval

He shook his head in disapproval.

Christian was in a panic and was about to lose control. All he could do was stare back at the man who had caught him doing his deed.

There are better ways to describe this, truly. All I can say is you need to work on your description, as merely showing better suggestions wont help you all too much, the cause problem will still remain. The plot though, is fine. I was intrigued by the use of magic in what is obviously a modern or alternate worl with technology. So, in that sense its okay.

Jiggity's right, the plot is okay. However, I think you should take the poll down because it looks...I dunno. I just don't think you should have a poll up there asking whether or not we want to know what happens next. If the story's any good, we'll tell you. Other than that, I can't think of any other corrections to make except maybe being a bit more descriptive. Actually, you should use some forshadowing. Try to give a vague idea of why Christian's there in the first place and where he originated from so that people will want to read ahead more.

‘In the small town of Camilla, a stranger named Christian scurries down the street which smelled of fresh rain.’

- Is this the only street that smells like rain? It’d be better to say ‘a street’.
- Also, ‘which’ doesn’t sound right. It may be grammatically incorrect, I’m not sure… anyways, ‘that’ would work better.


‘He looks for the right house, while trying not to get confused with where he is going at this late hour of one.’

- You’ve suddenly switched to present tense. Stick to one tense throughout the story (either past or present).


‘He halted in front of a house,’

- And we’re back to past tense. I’d say keep with past tense throughout - it’s the most common tense used, and is the easier to write in.


‘He started toward the house,’

- You’ve already used the word ‘house’ lottsa times. This is one too many times (all the other times were okay, as it worked as stylish thing).


‘distance he could here the low buzz’

- ‘here’ = ‘hear’.


‘He was began to shake his head with disapproval.’

- First off, this doesn’t need ‘was’.
- Second, I’d say rewrite this entire sentence. At the moment, it uses the passive voice, but you want it to be more active. ‘He shook his head’ is active, and works better.


“Hey!” A man’s voice screams. “What are you doing?!?”’

- You’ve switched back to the present again here.



In addition, I agree with Jiggity - you need to show more, tell less. Here's a link on it: http://www.sfwriter.com/ow04.htm