Wanting More

This is good, however it didnt evoke any emotion atall, i dont really get what the meaning is, if any. BUt you havea nice use of vocabulary, keep it up.

For some reason, your narrator reminds me a bit of a flapper-- adventurous, feminine, wild and daring. If that's not your intention, then just ignore me.

I loved it overall. Your narrator's very real. And it's not the lovey-dovey stuff we're sometimes used to. I can almost hear her voice. To me it's a rich, deep, sexy voice.

I don't quite understand the part about the last swimming fish unless it means... but everything else made sense to me. I love the part about the King's Bay squid and then in the next line you mention inky love letters.

Well done, Incan. This is the reason people should respect you around here.

I owe you a more indepth critique: for now, my niggle is the structure of the second stanza, which seems to get a little messy toward the end. Your rhythm is pretty good, but reading it out loud it just feels like some end up too long and some too short.

Anyway, I'll be back.

I'll be honest with you, Brad, since you do us the same favor. I didn't like it. I thought it was too messy. Reminded me of a bad cut-up poem, and for a moment I wondered if you were simply taking the text and subject lines from spam messages again.

Also, I don't like the break in the sentence between the second and third stanzas. It makes it too choppy and disconnected, and while I think you were trying to portray a wild side here, it just came out too chaotic. Remember, even when attempting chaos one must have some order.

All--


Thanks for taking your time to read and respond to this.


Crysi,


The first is a call, the second an answer. The third: resolution. Poetry articulates the gaps in-between. No wonder you spotted this piece's failure.


Best,
Brad

Hmm, because I haven't critiqued poetry properly in ages.

S1, L1-L2

The rhythm seems wrong, perhaps just a re-shuffle of phrases. I know it would disfigure that set of rhyme, but I think it works better. Not sure if I quite like the me at the end either.

Jake, bring the bazooka and your last swimming fish,
clutch me with your suitcase hand and tell

S1, L4

I think the repition of dare is flimsy. It also seems like dare would be more likely in the S2. I would have had -- dream me into your plans. It is more flowly, and more like what the narrator of the call would say.

S2

Reitterating what people have said, the flow of S2 is shot. I've gone about rearranging it my way. Maybe it will help.

forget those boys and their meaningless kung fu
kicks, get thee to a distillery! follow my whiskey fingers
home where a bar of bourbon high-fives slap
in unison for you. i'll slide down your pretty pink throat--
juniper berries-- I've smashed into gin and fed you

S3

I love the conclusion and the word drizzle, that is such nice imagery.


Yours,
CL

You knew I'd get here eventually.

Jake, clutch me with your suitcase hand and tell me,

Tell you what? Simple stuff can be important....

bring the bazooka and your last swimming fish.
Chap my lips in a long sweating kiss and dare to
dare me into your plans. Love’s intentions are best
explained by semaphore or rock-paper-scissors--

I don't favor the word choice in the above, and I think this would be better left at a definite - a period.

forget those boys at the bar and their meaningless kung fu kicks.

Here, I think you have the rhythm. If you use this first line to base the rhythm for the rest of the stanza, I believe the composure would be beautiful.

Get thee to a distillery. Follow my whiskey fingers
home where a barroom of bourbon high-fives slap
in unison for you. I’ll slide down your pretty pink throat
Juniper berries I’ve smashed into gin, feed you plump

King’s Bay squid. We could drizzle ourselves inky
love letters and never mention the mess.

Wonderful ending. I agree the rhythm is there sometimes, and isn't there other times, so it's more than irritating. Besides that, I enjoy how you incorporated all these different points and blended them in. Nicely done - this style sort of leans upon a more coherent version of CL.

Well the whole plot seems to be good, but to my concern your word-choice at some places seem a bit akward making it look like your telling some sort of joke ?

Jake, clutch me with your suitcase hand and tell me,
bring the bazooka and your last swimming fish.
Chap my lips in a long sweating kiss and dare to
dare me into your plans. Love’s intentions are best
explained by semaphore or rock-paper-scissors--

forget those boys at the bar and their meaningless kung fu kicks.
Get thee to a distillery. Follow my whiskey fingers
home where a barroom of bourbon high-fives slap
in unison for you. I’ll slide down your pretty pink throat
Juniper berries I’ve smashed into gin, feed you plump

King’s Bay squid. We could drizzle ourselves inky
love letters and never mention the mess

Maybe it's, maybe I'm in a funny humour but I can't quite see something serious in this, although I know it's intended to be

Cheerios, Chandni