"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis
This may come as a shock to you, but you are posting in an on-line poetry workshop. The quality of the work you have posted here to date is not enough to make me think you are even trying to become a better writer.
When somebody posts work here, they are requesting that strangers take time and apply their experience in reading and writing poetry in order to provide reaction and/or suggestions that improve the posted work as a poem. The current piece could not be improved under any condtions.
It seems only common courtesy to post works which you have dedicated yourself to before seeking the advice of others.
Best,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
Oh no--Incan has struck again!!!
Don't let him bother you, jack, it's his job to be a pain (rather, he volenteers for the position). go check out Snoink's poem about him (The Incan Shark), it'll make you feel better.
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis
I agrew with gyrfalcon i have seen that he posts things that are just of no use he dosent even leave any positive things! If he has something bad to say he could atleast put it with osmething productive. I think your peoms are great so keep up the good work!
Miyaviloves, I'd like to remind you that this is not a critique on other people's critiques. If you really read Incan's comments, you'll see that he does give constructive criticism. No, he doesn't suger-coat his critiques, and some people like that.
As a side note, I think you could spend a little more time editing your own posts, as they are difficult to read and immature for your age. Grammar is your friend, as is the spell check button.
Anyway, to continue with the topic... This was quite interesting. I'm not certain I can call it a poem (I personally feel it needs to have three lines to be considered a poem), but whatever it is, it has a haiku feel to it. I like that.
Maybe if you make it into more of a haiku format - not necessarily the syllables, but the three lines, it might read more like a poem. The second line is quite long anyway and it sort of takes away from the first line.
