Tickle-Me Elmos

I couldn't think of another title, so, that's why it's called Tickle-Me Elmos.

Her scuffed black Adidas, inclosing numb feet,
The obtrusive blue apron tied tightly around her waste.
Her dark brown hair was draped over her shoulders.
She hated every moment of her job.
Bagging toys on Christmas Eve at Wal-Mart,
The constant beep of the scanner gave her nothing
Except an intensive headache.
Mothers jabbering away on their cellular phones,
And fighting over the last batch of Tickle-Me Elmos.
It was a site to see,
But not the one she wanted for Christmas Eve.
She buried herself in her own thoughts,
Barely thinking about her hectic surroundings.
Longing to be at home,
Fast asleep in her warm bed.
Waiting for Santa Claus,
The same thing she had done
Fifteen something years ago.

I can't think of anything that this poem could possibly mean...it makes no sense...it doesn't even end properly and there seems to be a lot missing. Much help needed.

So-so. I can relate to how she feels, though. Suggestion:

The obtrusive blue apron tied tightly around her waste.

Just a typo. I think you mean "waist".

I like how you incorperated the specific toy, the Tickle-me Elmos. But, again, I've read better poetry, especially better stuff that was written by you.

Just my two-cents.

I loved the title as well...although, I have to agree with Skye Demon. come on, you're Member of the Month! Knock our socks off!

ah well, that was cheesy...no real critique, just to go over this a bit. You have a great title, but the poem doesn't hold up to our expectations.

Not your best work. The biggest problem I have with this poem is it is too wordy, everything is overstated. Go back to feelings, even if you don't think there are any you may surprise yourself. I really don't like the last four lines. It comes of sounding like the girl is longing for a lost childhood, but you have done nothing to build up that picture, so it seems kind of random and tacked on. If you built up the idea of her longing for her lost childhood more in the rest of the poem I think it owuld work better, the ending I mean. Hope this has helped, the poem has a lot of potential and you are a talented writer.

It was okay. The was definately emotion, though the piece seemed flat, somehow. You tell us the character hates her job, instead of letting her show it. The character becomes just a puppet, not real. Alsop in the second line it's "waist" not "waste".

I liked it. It was kind of emotional that it may want people to cry.

There's just something in it. Like a tinge of spark that makes it really interesting for me. I don't know what it is but it makes the poem really interesting.

I loved the last part. Waiting for santa. Every child's dream. Cute! The last part was cute, sad, depressing, nice, I don't really know. There are no right words for it. It's indescribable.

Okay, for the crit:

There are some grammatical errors like:

2nd line: waste should be waist

10th line: site should be sight

Overall, your poem is great.

Keep writing!

Peace man,
Casey the AWESOME

Well...it wasn't bad...

She hated every moment of her job.

I think you could have made it so that the character shows how much she hates her job instead of stating it. Remember show, don't tell? Try that. Anyways, it's almost better to just eliminate that sentence and describe the fact in other sentences, like putting

Bagging toys on Christmas Eve at Wal-Mart,
The constant beep of the scanner gave her nothing
Except an intensive headache.
Annoying mothers jabbering away on their cellular phones,
And fighting over the last batch of Tickle-Me Elmos.

or something to that effect...

The obtrusive blue apron tied tightly around her waste.

Waste should be waist.

It was a site to see,

Site should be sight. It's been mentioned already, so why don't you edit the piece so that you don't have to keep worying about people saying that.

Waiting for Santa Claus,
The same thing she had done
Fifteen something years ago.

I don't quite understand why you put this part in...it's not much of an ending. Try revising this ending.

All in all I liked the idea of the poem. Best of luck making it better!