Robin

Robin

The quiet countryside of Mersham
Where I watched the birds sing sweetly
And the magpies sleep soundly.
I hop from left to right searching for my friends,
But I can’t find them.
I see a young mischievous boy heading my way,
I fly in the shed and hide in a corner
He follows and scoops me up and carries me away.

I awake the next day, but don’t know where I am,
I look for an escape but there is none,
I’m locked up, in a cage,
Bars all around, I hear a shout
“Mummy, Mummy! He’s awake!!!”
I turn around to see 5 or 6 humans staring,
Staring at me, I am scared, very scared,
What shall I do? I do not know?

The hatch slips open,
Now’s my chance, I can be free!
I swoop out of the cage and fly round the room
Once maybe twice dodging the hands of panicking humans,
I see an open window,
I dart forwards, with my big red breast puffed out,
“I’m Free, I’m free, IM FREE” I chirp to myself as I fly.

The quiet countryside of Mersham
Where I watched the birds sing sweetly
And the magpies sleep soundly.
And where I play happily with my friends
Telling them the story of my adventure.


x-Jammie-x[/u]

Pretty good for one of your first posted poems, as far as concept goes.

But the wording quickly becomes thick and difficult to get through, let alone stay attentive to. I tend to have the same problem with poetry, but the problem remains - it is extremely wordy. And without any clearly defined rhyme scheme or rhythm, it did not read well.

Perhaps something to look at? ^_~

Good luck on this,

Dream Deep

Jammie,

I have to agree with Dream above. It starts out well...but it isn't long before the wording takes over. It is very good though, for a first poem post. But, it definitely is a little too wordy. try removing some of the The's, And, I's, Them's, My's...some of those and see where that takes you.

Solid Effort though!

x-Jammie-x wrote:Robin

The quiet countryside of Mersham
Where I watched the birds sing sweetly
And the magpies sleep soundly.
I hop from left to right searching for my friends,
But I can’t find them.
I see a young mischievous boy heading my way,
I fly in the shed and hide in a corner
He follows and scoops me up and carries me away.

I awake the next day, but don’t know where I am,
I look for an escape but there is none,
I’m locked up, in a cage,
Bars all around, I hear a shout
“Mummy, Mummy! He’s awake!!!”I turn around to see 5 or 6 humans staring,Staring at me, I am scared, very scared,
What shall I do? I do not know?

The hatch slips open,
Now’s my chance, I can be free!
I swoop out of the cage and fly round the room
Once maybe twice dodging the hands of panicking humans,
I see an open window,
I dart forwards, with my big red breast puffed out,
“I’m Free, I’m free, IM FREE” I chirp to myself as I fly.
The quiet countryside of Mersham
Where I watched the birds sing sweetly
And the magpies sleep soundly.And where I play happily with my friends
Telling them the story of my adventure.


x-Jammie-x[/u]

The underlined bits are thr pieces I really don't like. They make the poem...... whats the word??? Superficial. A little child like.
I understand this is your first poem???? Well if it is I don't mean to be so harsh. The concept is nice... a metaphor of someone trapped maybe?
But the bird stuff... its a bit corny. Not my cup to tea..... Sorry.
Lexy xx