Chronicles of Taer: Prologue - Chapter 2

Crysi.. do I really have to edit this again? jeesh. I know, you're busy, but... oh forget it, I'm going to reedit this tonight.

Great chapter. But..... i found it slightly predictable (the King and Queen adopting). Other than that its great, once again, i emphasise, remember to put closing "'s

~~Shadow~Knight~~

*sigh* I know, I know. It's predictable. But it's supposed to be kinda minor.. Ah well. I'll work on it. Thanks!

Very well done Crysi! Your descriptions are great! However, here are somethings that may help you..

First, I think you should be add a tiny bit more descriptions, just a little. Another thing is, I noticed that when a situation happens, you tend to stick more with how Malkin feeligs about the situation and how he reacts. You need to explain more of how Crysi, Tenik and Vyselle feels also. Don't get too descriptive, but get a quick line of what they thought. Otherwise, readers just see one character reacting, and the others just standing there.

Excellent job.

Well, the problem with that is that I'm trying to have the story focus on just one person. Malkin doesn't know how the others feel.. But I might try something with other POVs. I definitely do need to work on descriptions. I've been so cautious about the whole "show don't tell" thing that I end up not putting any description at all, or at least a very tiny piece. However, since I have no hesitations when it comes to giving Mesh a lot to edit (lol), I'm just gonna write the descriptions and she can tell me how to change it! Thanks for commenting!

Awesome sauce! Just a few things- at the beginning of the prologue, where it says "causing several loose bricks from the old mortared buildings to come crashing down onto the swept street" I would suggest "causing several loose bricks to come crashing down from the old mortared buildings onto the swept street" instead. Also, watch out for ".." It should either be one (a peried) or three (an ellipse or whatever they call it). In paragraph 4 of the prologue, "dove" should be "dived," one of those tricky English things.

"A huge gold dragon, surrounded by a quickly dwindling mass of smaller golds, was being attacked by two white dragons." might make more sense as "A huge gold dragon, surrounded by a quickly dwindling mass of smaller golds, and two opposing white dragons" with the colon in front of it as you emailed me.

Greatlengths might be better described. How long exactly is that? It's not really important though.

The real problem, though, is that the characters don't seem very defined. How old are they, beyond Malkin? I can see their personalities creeping through, but they're still a bit sketchy. Also, physical description would be nice.

I really like how the whites are the main characters, instead of being the bad guys. The idea of having a whole civilization of dragons is cool, too. I hope to see more forthcoming! You've inspired me to get my own butt back in gear and start working harder on Boundless and/or my other story.

I LOVE the setting and general idea of the story; I found them very attractive and well-planned out (creative, too).


First, never write any form of stories in chunky paragraphs if you DID NOT put any specific descriptions of setting and the

general flow of the story (for example-beginning half of the story). It has proven to be unattractive and boring... (I'm not

saying that your story is boring)

The fighting scene between gold and white dragons in the prologue should have more setting descriptions.

This part---"The gold king blew a light flame at the two whites in front of him. "Very well," he grumbled in thought. "Let us go." At the king's gesture, the messenger quickly healed the great dragon's wings, and they both flew off into the distance.

The female white gently nudged her mate, and she weakly stood up, helping him to do the same. They both limped to a nearby stand of trees, supporting each other, to either heal or die in peace. "

This part was little awkward.

For the first paragraph, "The gold king blew a light flame at the two whites in front of him" turned me down." When I first read it, I couldn't understand. What you wrote here is a consequence ("The gold king blew a light flame at the two whites in front of him" turned me down"). The gold king felt angry because he had to leave then he, in his anger, blew a flame at his enemy. A consequence(then he, in his anger, blew a light flame at his enemy) without a cause (The gold king felt angry because he had to leave) is sometimes boring and awkward. You should have either worded differently or put the cause.

For the second paragraph, "they both limped to a nearby stand of trees, supporting each other, to either heal or die in peace." The bolded part was weirdly worded. You could have pulled a better sentence.

There are few more like these. But overall, nice story!

I kind of skimmed through it, but from what I read I am impressed! I can already see the distinct personality of each character forming, and that is probably one of the hardest aspects of writing, so you should be vey happy with yourself for being able to do that! I will read it better when I have the time, (when I'm not sleep deprived, more like.) Good job!