Stress

(first poem for a while, here goes nothing...)

Screwing with my systems,
Messing with my mind.
Desperatly I search,
A cure I try to find.

It fills me full of anger,
It reduces me to tears.
It makes me want to run away,
It brings out all my fears.

Even if your life seems perfect,
The battle is not done.
For the war to lead a carefree life
Is a fight the can't be won.

Tassen Spellbinder wrote:(first poem for a while, here goes nothing...)

Screwing with my systems,
Messing with my mind.Desperatly I search,
A cure I try to find.

It fills me full of anger,
It reduces me to tears.
It makes me want to run away,
It brings out all my fears.

Even if your life seems perfect,
The battle is not done.
For the war to lead a carefree life
Is a fight the can't be won.

The underlined things are the things I liked. 1. The alliteration in the first stanza
and the 2nd.
Great stuff.
I love your ending which is why I have put it in italics.....
let me know when you write more

Thanks.

This poem seems sort of empty. To me, it has no lasting effect on the reader, and the phrases are rather clichéd. The last stanza also completely changed perspectives - you were talking about yourself, and now you're talking about the reader. It seemed incoherent.

I suggest you rewrite this poem with some fresh and new ideas, and then it will probably have more meaning.

I'm sorry if I seem sort of mean; I'm not trying to be.

Its a meaningful piece of work. A little confusing when you switched from talking about yourself (so it seemed) to talking about a second person but besides that it was a really good poem. and its so true. Poetry is one of the best ways to express feelings and I think you did that wonderfully.

Even if your life seems perfect,
The battle is not done.
For the war to lead a carefree life
Is a fight the can't be won.

YOUR? You went from the whole poem talking about/to yourself...and all of a sudden you switch to talking to the reader or someone else in general. You can't do it. I read that and instantly i was like"...........huh?" Just in general, I think the last stanza needs the most work.

I like the middle stanza where you start everything with 'it' because it gives some nice, odd, has nothing to do with the other two stanzas repetition. But, I kind of like it as much as I hate it [I'm a woman, I'm supposed to be indecisive haha].

I agree though that the poem lacks meaning. Like...it just doesn't have enough or something. It's good to a point....but it just seems like it needs more.

I hope you don't take my criticism the wrong way. Just trying to help!

It is salvagable...but it could take some work.

But I love the set up.

Not the most brilliantly worded poem, I've read, but it's a nice message, I understand what you're saying. I can tell, reading this, that you've been away from writing poetry for a while, but this is certainly a step back towards the poetry groove.

I liked the last stanza the best, Tassen. Good job on this. ^_^

Not the best xpoem i have seen on this site but it is an impressive peice of writing, and i do like it, although the wording could use some work, i liked the ending the best and ithink your trying to put a very important message across, keep up the good work!

I know that I kinda threw things off in my last stanza, i'll try to think of something to fix that...