Addressing the Convalescent Dream-Junkie

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Better draft...

Addressing the Convalescent Dream-Junkie

I am spinning on a wheel of wands,
of honeysuckle and pride.
an homage to a dead Phoenician
who rises windward out of sea-swell and whirl.
Dido on the Isle of Dogs.

Later sitting at a game of chess in
rags across from the Hag Queen,
she spoke with a mouth as wide as the world:
a pawn may take your king
but I prefer knights
,
and she was quick in reverence
to honor her words. I lost my
apple-cheeked Adonis there.

Her cards at The Burial of the Dead,
was the Hanged Man who brings you luck,
yet he flees frantic into the wash on the rocks
and the water of tainted murky depths.

Trapped in a bone-box silence is easy.
Last edited by Caligula's Launderette on Sat Nov 04, 2006 9:10 am, edited 3 times in total.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

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My my, I wonder why this sounds so familiar... :shock: :D

You're welcome, by the way. :wink:

First off -- typo in the title.

Secondly -- and you know I love your poetry, hon, really I do, and I wish I were half as good as you -- but was there really any point to writing this? It's pretty much Eliot masticated and then spit back out bare bones, and while a lot of the imagery is very lovely ("The Lady of Rocks, the Lady of Rooks/makes no difference for I am neither living/nor dead" springs immediately to mind), it all gets lost in the morass of allusions.

And to be a bit of a hard-*ss, please don't steal my best lines, even if under the guise of "allusion." I only come up with a few of them, whereas you toss them out like beads at Mardi Gras.
Bitter Charlie :: Shady Grove, CA :: FreeRice (162,000/1,000,000)




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When I pulled this up the other day, I was trying to remember which I offed from you, I went and attempting to revise. I realize now that when I wrote this, I meant to to only use your words as a platform. And then I forgot cause my memory sucks.

This new version is still crappy but a bit less allusionastic.

I only come up with a few of them, whereas you toss them out like beads at Mardi Gras.
- You lie, honey! *tsk, tsk* Now, I may clobber you with hugs.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?




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Cal--


A very fine combination of voice and subject, well arranged on the page so that the reading and the action are self-reinforcing.

I had a problem with the morass of allusions Fand alluded to, and came away feeling that they were largely thrown in because nothing more powerful suggested itself. It could still stand a decent fleshing-out.

Also, I think it would pay to let a better end to this piece emerge.

At that point, send it out.


Best,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson



Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques -- like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.
— Homer Simpson