Young Writers Society

Carla Tinnock stared wearily at the ceiling of her attic bedroom, and quietly listened to the sound of early risers eating breakfast in the lobby. She was remembering her mother from ten years ago.

"Growing up in your aunt's hotel is one of the worst things that could happen to you Carla, but I just can't afford to feed you darlin'." Her mother hadn't been able to hold in her melancholy. Tears had trickled down her face. " Honey, come back to me, but when you do, please don't be prissy like that aunt of yours ." Then Carla, only five years old, walked to the carriage so the carriage master could help her inside. "Goodbye my darlin'," her mother had said,"And good luck." With that, the carriage rattled away.

"And now I'm stuck here," grouched Carla, her weariness suddenly gone. She remembered their cozy cottage, the sheep pen, the chicken coop, and the pasture for the two cows, Hilda and Jack. And what a wonderful place the apple orchard had been in the evening. There was also that nice calico kitten that she had found stuck up the maple tree. Carla sighed, she would never be able to see any of that again. Unless... Carla jumped off her bed. "Unless I run away," she said to herself.

She flung her hiking backpack down off the top shelf of her closet and packed her toothbrush and a small first aid kit. She snuck downstairs into the kitchen and packed what she hoped would be enough for the trip.

She looked in one last time at the early risers, which now included that rich lady from California that had checked in yesterday. She went out onto the back porch where the ladies drank iced tea and over the little fence that went all the way around the hotel.

She turned around to look at the big French doors. "Goodbye," she whispered, and without looking back, turned into the woods.

Show don't tell (End of the first paragraph).

Then, I think it'd be better if you character decided to run away a little more gradually, after thinking about stuff. You wrote that pretty quickly. People don't usually just sit up, sigh, and go, "I'm running away. Where's my jacket?"

This has potential to be a good story, but some light revision could do it good.

-MH

EDIT: Holy crap you're only 9! This is even sweeter now.

Wow, are you the youngest person on the site? If you can already write like this when you're nine, then imagine your writing when you get older! My brother is nine, and I would think it an astonishing miracle if he could write like this!

And concerning your piece, I thought it was rather good, just slow it down a little like Metalhead said.

I'll echo MH. To draw your reader in show why this girl would want to run away and how she gets out, she can't simply go out of the door with no plan. Would you go anywhere without thinking about what would happen and how you'll get to wherever you want to go?

Thanks for looking at my story. I'm in fourth grade this year, but I've been writing for two years. -London

This is very good! Im sp impressed that you are only nine and already have this level of writing under your belt, your one to look out for!

Age is an excuse, so let's not focus on it.

Your writing is good, but it can be much better. I'm sensing that this story isn't so well thought out, which is sad since it has a lot of potential.

How do I know it's not thought out? The hiking idea is all off. A first aid kit is important, a toothbrush is good for hygiene.

What else though?

You need extra clothing, not just to change into, but to protect you from the elements. Going on a long term trip without a jacket is silly.

Your character also will need food. The longer the trip, the more food is needed.

Bedding. If she is planning on sleeping, then she'll need bedding. Two blankets should be adequate.

Water. This is actually more important than food. She'll need some water bottles (or some equivalent) in order to replenish her bodily fluids. The human body can survive only three days without water.

Fire: She'll need some means for starting a fire. Any cooking will require it. A fire can provide warmth on a cold night, and it can keep the animals away. Consider flint and steel or matches.

Cooking gear. At least a pan and a knife.

Survival: A large knife for defense and for constructing a fire/shelter.

This is just some of the things you need for a long term hiking trip. I'm not sure what the time frame is, so this will need to be taken into account.

You can't survive on a first aid kit and a toothbrush.

For your age, this is good writing, London Aspen. But I assume you want to get better, so you've come to the right place.

The story, well, it just seems kind of cheesy. Your grammar and mechanics are good, but the plot is stale.

The mother's diction makes her seem like either a redneck or a drama queen depending on how you read it. And I have a hard time believing the girl remembered all that stuff from when she was five and hadn't lived there in ten years.

Work on it a bit, and realize that writing at your age is rare. Read a lot, try to get a feel for how real authors use words. This piece is just practice, and with more, you will improve, I promise.

This is pretty good for your age, echoing Metalhead. Plus the post before me.

Pretty good, just try to make the story slower (a bit). Running away from home doesn't go that quickly. I've never tried it, but I assume some thought goes in to the process first.