Heartbrokens

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I know this needs a lot of help, whatever.

The cold night air is like
colonge slapped on my cheeks,
the way your caustic comments
slapped, stung and stayed -
suspended in the raging case of
my ribcage. Now, tendrils of smoke
whisper in your vacancy.
They say your finally gone,
that it's time to cry, move on and
that love doesn't last that long.

I walk, through the sepia leaves.
They fall like footsteps on the
ripped up pavement, and I kick up their
ashes in reverence to your memory.
Not so poised, nor even in waking,
I drag my throbbing heart behind me -
it's shackled to my ankles and it's
grating in my hips.
And it's been there since you pulled it
out from in between your lips.

In the junctures of tree branches, I
rest my head on a stranger's chest.
I shake sobs into the foundations of
the earth, empty sounds that chill my
hollow bones. Down the street, I can see
your hands over your ears.
You could never hear me, all my
screaming for all the year.
Bashing into your body,
invisable, unseen -
I am your hanging queen.
Scupltured, dead and lean
on your blinking theatre screen.

Showdown, we're
standing, scaled.
I can only shoot at someone
who withdrew me from the fight.
To sin, signed Love -
Goodbye, darling, Goodnight.
Carpe Diem.




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Sara,


Re: "I know this needs a lot of help, whatever."

For me, this was a garden variety rant dressed up with meaningless imagery--beauty is only skin-deep. Unfortunately, the last two lines were the best part of the piece, and they weren't enough to rescue it.


All the best,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson




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I liked this a lot. Unlike Brad, I think the imagery worked very well. It described a breakup (I'm guessing) in a unique way.

Down the street, I can see
your hands over your ears.
You could never hear me, all my
screaming for all the year.


I'm not really sure why, but this line sounded funny to me.

Keep up the good work!
DJ Dan-shutting down the man!




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hear hear, i disagree with Brad too. Ouch he is harsh....
Yeah I think the imagery was good here. Did you mean cologne at the beginning though???
I can see this was about a "break up" or something right???
Its good. Well done. xxx
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. - Peter O'Toole




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Points 890
Reviews 24
This poem is amazing, like all your work that I've read so far. But this time it was easier to understand, so I found it more enjoyable.

Keep up the good work :D



“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables