Still In Yesterday

I don't understand,
& I've got a headache,
Squeeze the pain from my heart and leave me here cold,
Suddenly this problem is becoming to bold,
What I want is simple,
In its complicated way,
I haven't found what I'm looking for,
At least not today,
But maybe what i want,
Is still in yesterday.

First of all, put this through spell check.

Never use the &sign, say "and".

"To" should be "too"

Capatalize "I"

Now, I did not like this. It was not very good, to me at least. Try again.

Pandora

having confusing phrases doesn't really make it deep. the last chunk of it especially was kind of hard to grasp.

try not to base a whole poem around one line. it seemed like the whole poem was set up just so you could say your last line. it makes the rest of the poem a little bland while one line stands out.

hope this helps

I actually quite liked it despite what everyone else said! I agree, it does need a bit of work to make it better, but I thought it did have emotion, and I felt myself relating to it, even if it wasn't the most perfectly written piece of english.

I agree with what emotion_less said about the poem seeming to be built around the last line--it was a good last line, I'll give you that. The rest of the poem was empty, though. The commas at the end of every line were distracting, as was the "and" sign and the scattered rhyme scheme.

Try again, I'm sure you have better work.

cx

LetMeLive wrote:& I've got a headache,
Suddenly this problem is becoming to bold,
What I want is simple,
In its complicated way,I haven't found what I'm looking for,
At least not today,
But maybe what i want,
Is still in yesterday.

The bits in red are the bits I think you need to change. The & sign isn't appropriate......
"Too bold" not TO
I'm would sound better as I am.....
The stuff I have highlighted in pink is the stuff I really liked that I don't think you should change. Its really sweet and short.
I like how you have used the oxymoron of saying "what i want is simple in its complicated way..." Love it.
Great job xxx

Its really easy to relate to, which in my opinion makes it good, but it is a little hard to follow and is kinda confusing. You might think about rewording it or just changing the way its portrayed. I liked it nevertheless!

Now you can take my crit witha grain of salt, I don't personally write poetry because I rather suck at it and prefer reading other person's poetry.

Everyone has already pointed out the grammar mistakes and I too find the "&" symbol quite distracting when the word "and" will suit the poem just fine.

I do praise you on making the entire poem rhyme, I've always had trouble with that. It was rather emo also. I don't hate it, but I'm not very sure I like it either.

Rather Switzerland of me isn't it?

LUNA

LetMeLive,


There's not much to get excited about with this: it is a self-absorbed "woe is me"-type poem about how life has passed you by. This reader does not care enough about the narrator to know whether he or she ate breakfast this morning, much less how he/she has failed to appreciate life.

The whole thing is straightforward reportage, and it breaks away only to give a possible speculation. The whole thing exists at face value, and you're not doing enough with the language to make it anything more than descriptive--in reality, you have failed here as well: proper grammar and spelling should be of primary concern for you when posting a work this short. If you don't care enough about your work to properly edit it, why should we?

In my opinion, the only point where this contains a hint of poetry is the linebreaks--which aren't constitutive of a poem, only its shell.

Notify EPA or hope the fish don't drown in narcissism in whatever river you throw this in.


Best,
Brad

Well your last two line's were the best I guess
Other than that, your rhyming scene is average en the rythem is a bit off as well. Oh yeah what's it with people not capitalizing "I" *pisses me off* anyways rewriting this could do better

Cheerios, Chandni