Revision

Her mind lifted,
It had just traveled to the soles of her feet
But now it had gained wings,
and was hovering above her staring.
She stared straight back smiling.
‘Mind’ she muttered.
‘Mind!’ she called louder.
Her feet moved into tiptoe,
As her hands moved to try and grab it,
But her mind wouldn’t fly back.
So she stopped, gazed
And moved into slumber once more.

Dearie me, haven't written poetry in about two years. argh oh well. Did this while I was revising today, or when I should have been. Did it very quickly :s found some edits allready

‘Mind’ she muttered.
‘Mind!’ she called louder.

I really liked the poem until this. Did you mean, "Mine?" But even if you had, it doesn't really fit with the type of poem that this is.

Her feet moved into tiptoe,

Uuuuuuh...hunh?

Other than that, this was a very nice, short, to-the-point poem. No dragging on for hours on the end.

Hey yeah it meant mind. It was kinda meant to be that thing of when you're revising or working your mind kinda drifts away and you try to get back on course but it never really seems to work.

Yeah I didn't know about the tiptoe thing...do they have that expression in the states? I mean she moved into tiptoe hmm might change that later.

Lol...yes we do have 'expressions' (I guess). But I have just never really heard tip-toeing being referred to in this form. However, I have to remember you live in the UK, so, it might be a little different over there.

yeah I think it's an odd expression in England aswell!

This is a very confusing poem, I unterstood it a little, very little.

Her mind lifted,
It had just traveled to the soles of her feet
But now it had gained wings,
and was hovering above her staring.
She stared straight back smiling.

This is a weird and confusing beginning.

‘Mind’ she muttered.
‘Mind!’ she called louder.
Her feet moved into tiptoe,

This is very weird and confusing.

As her hands moved to try and grab it,
But her mind wouldn’t fly back.

This is very....intresting, it paints a picture of what shes doing but it still confuses me.

So she stopped, gazed
And moved into slumber once more.

What? uhh?

Sorry if I'm putting your poem down, but I think it's VERY confusing!

Yeah that's ok. It's meant to be confusing, it was sorta my bedframe of being in Revision mood at the time of writing and can also be used to explain my state of mind when I want to write.

I think It's meant to confuse so I don't take that as an insult

god this only got two comments, really should write something new. Anyway if you ever come back Chevy tips are always welcome.

Hm....very interesting....I like it, though. It is sort of weird, I suppose, but it's really cool at the same time. I personally think it shows lots of potential.

But I know where you're coming from on the only gettin' two comments thing...the same happened to me...but we can't give up.

Thanks...(go off to find your work, but first must enetertain my sister's japanese exchange)

I think I'd change this 8 and 9 and the last line are all very clumsy because I repeat the word moved three times in the original Here's the change...

better?

Her mind lifted,
It had just traveled to the soles of her feet
But now it had gained wings,
and was hovering above her staring.
She stared straight back smiling.
‘Mind’ she muttered.
‘Mind!’ she called louder.
Her feet moved into tiptoe,
As her hands grasped the air,
But her mind wouldn’t fly back.
So she stopped, gazed
Then fell into slumber once more.

The edit is MUCH better, Midnight. I really like it, I can understand it, and that's saying something. Great job!

I really love this. Since I do essay revisionism A LOT, it makes perfect sense XD. I like the edit better, it seems a lot clearer and more...dare I say it...focused. Good job!
Makes me wish I could write like that.

Not bad if you haven't written any poetry in a while. I kind of like it. I would reccomnd you expand on the idea, though. That would make it more interesting.