Young Writers Society

Falling in Love with Parades, Military Marches and the Girl in number 23 King George Street
By: Dan Sanders
*This is a composite poem*
Do you remember that day in Jerusalem?
you said
"Meet me under the windmill in Mea Shearim"
and we laughed because we're dreamers
It was May 15th-Yom Ha'Atzmaut
The Independence Day
And we ran to the top of the rise
of one of the ancient Judean hills
Just outside the Old City walls
to watch the parade
And we sat ontop of the hill
and shared a pack of cigarettes between us
like they did in the movies
And looked down on the parade
the sharp-dressed soldiers in their parade uniforms
the tanks and howitzers, cleaned and polished
draped in garlands of flowers
rolling along in smart columns
And we cried because we're patriots
and we knew that tomorrow the tanks and
howitezers would return to their bases, soldiers in step behind
and bullets would once again replace the flowers
and then the band struck up an old patriotic song
"Dance with me" you said
I protested, not knowing how
but you pulled me up anyway
and put you're arms around my neck
And I wrapped my arms around your hips
and pulled your body close to mine
And we danced to a brass band
playing a military, patriotic song
"I love you" You said
And although I couldn't find the words to respond
you knew I felt the same
And I kissed your lips
And then it started snowing

I like it!!!!! Good job

Random ending...which I liked! It sounded like a story more than a poem. I would suggest changing this to fiction or something.

writingluver5 wrote:Random ending...which I liked! It sounded like a story more than a poem. I would suggest changing this to fiction or something.

Its a balllad, Wiggy. Its supposed to be that way.

Nice Dan, very nice. Cool concept, and how everything seemed to mesh.

Get rid of "*This is a composite poem*."

Now, onto the real thing.

Amazing. Really well written. The contrast between the parade and the people on the hill was the poem's main strength. The position on a hill is a separate one, but one that provides a good perspective. This is a good analogy for the way people view war globally. Separate from it, but still emotionally attached.

The quotes need commas after them, just as a nitpick. "Dance with me," is a great line. The ability to transcend is higlighted here. once again, we see the contrast.

Pretty much, I loved it in its entirety, which was awesome. Keep it up.

This poem is very, interesting. It has a lot of feeling. Good job!

The poem is really good, really well coordinated, and I like the natural rhythm of it - the part of the cigarettes makes it seem realistic and yet doesn't take away from the poem's natural idealism.

I especially liked the part:

"Dance with me" you said
I protested, not knowing how
but you pulled me up anyway
and put you're arms around my neck
And I wrapped my arms around your hips
and pulled your body close to mine
And we danced to a brass band
playing a military, patriotic song
"I love you" You said
And although I couldn't find the words to respond
you knew I felt the same
And I kissed your lips

It seems to tap into an all too human experience very well.

And then it started snowing

Great ending there - you have a talent with ending your poems with the right lines.