Breathless

I don't really write poetry, and when I do, it's usually free-form. Here's one I submitted to poetry.com a couple of summers ago. I hope you enjoy it.

I watch you
You have become someone new
I wait, tentatively
Maybe you will look at me and remember me
There is no one who has not experienced this
This feeling of emptiness
Of knowing I let you go
The restless wind grinds against the windows
They shake wildly
You look at me mildly
And I wonder if you see me at all
Your eyes or elsewhere
Maybe they are in the past
You realize you are staring
And your eyes dart sideways very fast
The sun's golden rays of budding twilight
Peer through the glass
The room darkens
And I see you no more.

It seems kind of elementary to me, but whatever. I just thought I'd get some reviews on it.

oh this was gorgeous, great imagery, I gotta run but I'll come back later and give this something more constructive!

YOUR VERSION

I watch you
You have become someone new
I wait, tentatively
Maybe you will look at me and remember me
There is no one who has not experienced this
This feeling of emptiness
Of knowing I let you go
The restless wind grinds against the windows
They shake wildly
You look at me mildly
And I wonder if you see me at all
Your eyes or elsewhere
Maybe they are in the past
You realize you are staring
And your eyes dart sideways very fast
The sun's golden rays of budding twilight
Peer through the glass
The room darkens
And I see you no more.

This was overly redundant and I didn't like it. You seemed to try to do the streaming thoughts poetry, but I don't think it worked.

SUGGESTED REVISIONS


I watch,
You have become someone new and
I wait, tentatively,
Hoping you will look at me and remember.

There is no one who has not experienced this
Feeling of emptiness.
I once let you go to let
the restless wind grinds against the windows--
You look at me
And I wonder if you see me at all.

Your eyes are elsewhere
Maybe in the past and
You realize you are staring.
Your eyes look to mine.

The sun's golden rays of budding twilight
Peer through the glass
The room darkens
And I see you no more.

Yes, your version sounds better, but I rather like the awkwardness of the original version. It's kind of sporadic because that's the emotion I'm trying to get out of the character. She's young, she's sad...her words and thoughts are not going to be perfectly strewn together, and they're not going to sound exactly like the reader wants them to sound. I guess it's not so good that I have to explain that, but, like I said, and like I'll continue to say, I'm not a poet. I'm not all for pretty words. I don't really know much about beauty anyway.

-Sarah

"This goes to pot that not nature doth call."

Brilliant line, Mr. Taylor.

And it applies to me, I suppose. You see, this is why I don't post my revisions of a poem. I'm always afraid the author will dislike the version because it sounds different or implies differentiality. Heh. Well, guess I won't do that anymore.

Hehe...your position as "tough critic" is applicable. I actually liked yours better, but you're right, it did imply differently than I meant it to. And it sounded more like you than me. But that's okay, I will take to heart your criticism, and use it in my future poetic endeavors.

-Sarah

Well that history revision went well.

I agree with Incandesence about the grammatical changes, but then I see your point about it beings yours so that weighs up. The imagery of the sun worked well in this and I liked the kinda lost feeling of being breathless within the poem.


I didn't like that line as much because 'There is no one who has not experienced this'I dunno just from my personal experience I've found that when you have feelings like this there's always that feeling of self-centeredness. Like that you're the only person whose ever felt this sadness in the world. That goes away after the initial hit of emotion, but I feel I dunno, perhaps my experience differs from yours.


Good poem though. One of these days i'm gonna try and write again.

It sounded kind of awkward because it didn't have a steady ryhming rythum, but I think thats what you wanted.
Anyway it was very beutiful and I unterstand what your saying very well.
Great job.

This was a deicious new change to what I would normally read and to say that it is your first post on here, it wasn't too bad.

I'd consider a structural change as it seems to be in one big block and it;s like; UGH. But the flow worked well for me and the rhythm and flow is great I thought.

Lovely.

Not bad.
I wont say it is the best, but it is good for someone who doesnt write alot of poetry.

It was a nice poem to imagine if that makes sense, (Sorry, English not very good.)

I think with a little more work, it can really go far.