My first slash at writing V2.0

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As the ship crested the next wave, the crew rushed to man the oars. A wave crashed up the bow of the ship, then ran across the deck to be thrown from the scuppers to join the surges once more.
With the beat of the bosons drum the ship seemed to come to life and began to claw its way up, then down the face of the waves. Below deck at the rower’s benches some of the crew collapsed, exhausted. Only to be replaced by another filled with desperation to keep the ship ahead of the waves.
Up in the crow’s nest, the lookout was watching the seagulls hover in place for a few seconds to be blown back by howling gusts. As he turned away from them, he saw it. The Maelstrom.
Last edited by shadowphoenix2580 on Wed Nov 01, 2006 10:49 am, edited 6 times in total.
SP2580




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Wow! This is really good, but I think it could be better with a character in there to experience the fear and the excitement. Other than that, three thumbs up! :wink:




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Nice start--are you continuing this? And I love your description. It's so pretty!

And near flawless grammar as well! Just two things I noticed:

With the beat of the bosons drum


Should be "bonson's" with an apostrophe because it's possessive.

Below deck at the rower’s benches some of the crew collapsed, exhausted. Only to be replaced by another filled with desperation to keep the ship ahead of the waves.


I would merge these two sentences together to make it flow better. Just stick a comma where the first period is, and un-capitalize the "O".

Nice job. I look forward to seeing more of your work. :D
"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."
-Chuck Palahniuk




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Nice. I hope you will continue this! An enjoyable brief glimpse of what is to come.
Love is nothing but a selfless devotion, left to live it's wildest dreams.

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900)




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I was only sending feelers out with this snippet, I have written 41000 words.

I may post other snippets from time to time
SP2580




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I saw the title of this post and couldn't resist. :)

Great "first slash" at writing! I particularly like the way you described the ship going up and down the waves-- "clawing." Good image.

The only thing I'd suggest is taking out the "all of a sudden." It's a cliché, and "crashed" is a strong enough verb to imply "all of a sudden."

Hope you write more of this. You're off to a great start!

Cheers!
~Shafter
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I second Shafter, Shadow. The "all of a sudden" really throws off the whole flowly description thing you have going. This piece is too good for such a phrase!

Again, I look forward to reading more of this....

--Cass :D
"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."
-Chuck Palahniuk




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Just so you all kow i'm going to be puttin up my first chapter up when i get home from my exam tomorrow.
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Perfection is lots of little things done well.
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