The Book I Read

My first poem in awhile so don't go easy on me! Tell me what you think!

The Book I Read

Grandma would have hated me
Or at least what I liked
Grandma hated make-believe
While the little girl in me
Could never look away
Grandma hated all those words
While I cherished each of them
Grandma would have yelled at me
If she knew I did
She would have said the Devil was in that book
And, my head was in the clouds
But, that book made me who I am today,
And mom says she would have been proud

It's such a sweet poem that I can't help but like it. However, it all seems so naive and childlike, the narrator to me sounds like a young child, if you see how I mean? I'm not sure if you were going for that feel.

The "And" with the comma doesn't make sense, so remove the "and", I think. You don't need the comma after "but" on the penultimate line either.

Thanks Firestarter! I'm really glad you liked it. I didn't even notice that comma after but when I was editing. *palmface*

I like this poem but I agree that it is a bit childish.

I don't really get what it means though.
Is it like someone getting addicted to a book and they can't put it down?
(Lol, sounds like me)

Lozareth

This poem is really quite sweet... I like the feeling lent to it by the "childish" narrator. It definitely cuts down on the risk of sounding cliched. Only one piece of constructive criticism at the moment:

She would have said the Devil was in that book

This is a great line in that it characterizes the grandmother even more clearly (at least, for me) than any of the other lines. My problem is with the length of the line; it's a little unwieldy, and breaks the rhythm you've already set up.

i like the poem a lot, but it has some rhythmic issues. the narrator deffinately has a childlike quality about it, but i kind of like that. if that's what you're going for, it belongs.

so iron out the rhythm and it'll be great.