Welcome

Okay. So I'm entering a contest at the local newspaper for writing a scary story. The catch is that the deadline is two days from now and I found out about it yesterday.

Yeah...

And, to make it even better, the word limit was 200 words! How can I write a story in two hundred words? It's torture! Word limits are the bane of my existence!

So. Here it is, after much chopping of words, and I am desperately in need of help. Help that won't send me over the word limit...

Ooh. And I cannot write scary stories. I'm putting this in the fantasy section because, um, because that's where I spend most of my time? And it looks really weird with this format.

Anyways. Read and comment, por favor!

~

Welcome

He was lost in a darkening forest. The skeletons of leafless trees rose around him, casting long shadows on the cold ground.

Something watched him…

A twig snapped. He turned- nothing but silence.

Welcome, said a mocking voice inside his head. Welcome.

His heart pounded in his chest as fear rose in his heart. He walked faster, casting his eyes from side to side.

A twig snapped again and he turned. He saw…

Yellow eyes and gleaming fangs, the shape of a beast poised to spring.

He ran.

The forest rushed past him. He could hear pounding feet crashing through the leaves behind him.

There was a castle, silhouetted against the setting sun, its gates open.

To the castle...

He did not stumble as he flew towards the doors, spurred on by raw terror. Safety lay inside, away from the creatures of the night. Through the doors, running with the Beast only steps behind him. The doors slammed shut behind him.

He collapsed on the cold flagstones. He was safe…

There was a footstep.

A man stood there in the torchlight. His face was white and his smile that of a dead man's.

Welcome.

He screamed.

His heart pounded in his chest as fear rose in his heart.

you repeated the word 'heart' try rewording this sentence, maybe ending with, 'as fear rose within him'?

Now for the real critique. The story starts good, but at one point it drops completely. At the first mention of 'the castle' all tension drops imo. I think you should keep with our character running. Have the story follow him in the act of chase, and maybe show the monster eating someone else? or just show the chase happening. but that ending, him going inside, and the man. It was very...flat. i think you should cut the ending you have.

Just spruce it up. create suspense, you know? Here is a link with several articles on writing Horror: http://horror.fictionfactor.com/articles.html (note, I've read none of them so I'm not sure of their quality, I just googled)

You can PM me when you update it, or if you want more specific help Since you do only have two days to work in...

We also have a horror/Halloween writing contest going on through the forum. But the limit is 500 words

Thanks for the crit! It's been a big help.

Okay, I've edited it (and think it much improved.) This time it ended up ight on 200 words.

And you are so lucky. 500! So much you can do with an extra three hundred words. Good luck on that, by the way.

Welcome

He was lost in a darkening forest. The skeletons of leafless trees rose around him, casting long shadows on the cold ground.

Something watched him…

A twig snapped. He turned- nothing but silence.

Welcome, said a mocking voice inside his head.

His heart pounded in his chest as fear rose within him. He walked faster, casting his eyes from side to side.

A twig snapped again and he turned. He saw…

Yellow eyes and gleaming fangs, the shadow of a beast poised to spring.

Welcome.

He ran.

The forest rushed past him. He could hear pounding feet crashing through the leaves behind him. His breath burned in his lungs.

Cold, unreasoning fear mastered him. He was going to die. The Beast would hunt him down and kill him.

There was a gap in the trees ahead of him. He made for it, hoping beyond hope for some sort of shelter.

The gap was there and past as he raced by into a circle of rocks. He stopped, suddenly frozen with fear.

There was no way out, and he could see more of the Beasts, their yellow eyes fixed on him. They closed around him, fangs bared in hideous smiles.

Welcome.

Much better! You did good for a 200 limit I still don't understand the 'welcome' thing, welcome to what?

He walked faster

this is one thing that I didn't like try to find a very for 'walked faster' paced? I can't think of one now, but you know what I mean.

So like I said, maybe explain the 'welcome thing' if you really want to keep it in there.

And that 500-word contest, I was offering it to you For 200 words I think this is as scary as your going to get, unless you chunk in some voice or something but...that's a short limit.

Good for a 200word limit. Personally, I think the first was better; the ending anyway.

A twig snapped again and he turned

You do the twig snapping thing twice, I suggest you revise the second use of it. It's ok once, I suppose, although a little cliche. But not twice. Instead why not mention hearing the panting of an animal, incorporate smell as well. It doesn't all have to eb visual. That being said you are on a word limit, so just stick with replacing the second twig snap.

Good luck.

And that 500-word contest, I was offering it to you

Whoops! Silly me.

Thank you both for your helpful comments- I tweaked it a bit more and it is now submitted and out of my hands! (Now comes the dreaded waiting) I'll let you know if I win anything.