The sight that Caroline see's.

Here's the start of one of my stories. More to come.

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The hallway was silent. Come to think of it the whole house was silent. And this startled Caroline who had been expecting the familiar sound of the TV blaring and her father’s raucous laughter. Along with the sight of him, beer in hand as he slowly got himself drunk. Most people in her situation would assume that he was just a sleep hence the quiet. But not Caroline, she new that the TV was still blaring when her father was asleep. As her father seemed to always knock himself out with the alcohol. She couldn’t remember the last time he slept anywhere other then that taped up, smelly, old couch.

Caroline came to the end of the hall. And froze her feet would not move even though her mind was telling them to. But her heart for some reason was overruling her mind. Deep down she new that behind that door was something she didn’t want to face. Something that maybe would change how she saw life for ever.

She slowly extended her hand towards the knob grasping it she turned it. The door swung open as she pushed it, her whole body shacking. What she saw did in fact change her life for ever. The sight of her father sprawled on the floor a knife embedded in his beer belly. The TV amongst other things was broken evident of a struggle. She ran to his side. “Dad, DAD” she wailed checking his pulse the years of scouts training kicking in. But there wasn’t even the faintest sign of a pulse. Caroline grabbed her hair in anguish before rising to her feet and calling triple o.

“Where sorry kido there was nothing you could do well be investigating it I’m afraid we must ask you a few questions is that ok?”
Caroline nodded.

But not Caroline, she new that the TV was still blaring when her father was asleep. As her father seemed to always knock himself out with the alcohol

knew. Also, put these sentences together and change 'as' to 'because'

Caroline came to the end of the hall. And froze her feet would not move even though her mind was telling them to.

this is pretty funny...lol. why not 'her feet froze and wouldn't move, even though her mind was telling them to.' if she froze her feet, its weird and you began with 'and' (which isn't completely illegal) when you could have continued with the first sentence.

But her heart for some reason was overruling her mind.

Remove 'but'

Deep down she new that behind that door was something she didn’t want to face. Something that maybe would change how she saw life for ever.

Does she really know that? This would be really funny foreshadowing if nothing actually happened. You know what I mean? Try to lower to strong, strong foreshadowing.

She slowly extended her hand towards the knob grasping it she turned it.

grasping, she turned it? Your sentences either seem to be too short with incomplete ideas or long and missing some words.

What she saw did in fact change her life for ever [put a semi colon here and take out 'the sight of'] The sight of her father sprawled on the floor [comma] a knife embedded in his beer belly. The TV [comma] amongst other things[comma] was broken[semicolon] evident [evidence] of a struggle. She ran to his side. “Dad, DAD [comma]” she wailed checking his pulse[comma] the years of scouts training kicking in. But there wasn’t even the faintest sign of a pulse. Caroline grabbed her hair in anguish before rising to her feet and calling triple o.

and as a side note, why would she grab her hair? lol.

“Where sorry[coma] kido[coma] there was nothing you could do[period] well [we'll] be investigating it[period] I’m afraid we must ask you a few questions is that ok?”

you sort of forgot about commas and sentence towards the end....The only major problems I notice was the great, huge foreshadowing (not to say its bad, but leave us some room to guess, hm? I could tell he was dead from the 3rd sentence) and that your Narrative voice (Carolin did blah blah) and your descriptive voice (the house was blah blah) change when you're writing. Try to keep consistent, your description voice is funny, playful. but The Narrative voice comes off as professional and tight. it really cut off flow.

she would pull at her hair (tearing at her hair) when someone is stressed they would... I think it works.
Although the punctuation is lacking later on!
keep it up...i want to see more!

Thanks guys much appreciated.

Title: The Sight That Caroline Sees (No apostrophy in sees, everything should be capitalized.)

“Where sorry kido there was nothing you could do well be investigating it I’m afraid we must ask you a few questions is that ok?”

I think this sentence should be:
"We're sorry, Kiddo, there was nothing you could do. We'll be investigating it. I'm afraid we must ask you a few more questions. Is that ok?"

Apart from that, great work! I'm looking forward to the next instalment, if there's going to be one. If not, I think it works fine on its own, as well. Cool detail.

I think it was great, but it would be a lot better in my opinion if we knew why Caroline's dad killed himself then, or at all. It might make more sense if you described him as a drug addict rather than a drunk, so we are more aware of his dire situation. I can't wait for the next instalment!

Definitely just do a read through of this--most importantly, read it aloud. To a wall, to your cat, something. What can you gain by this? Well, if you listen carefully to your voice, you should hear yourself pause as you read. An alarm should go off! This is where you put a comma!

Another thing: even though Microsoft Word is not always accurate and is almost always terribly annoying, copy and paste this into there. There will be a lot of read lines, and when you run spell check, it will probably tell you that these sentences are fragments. Take a look at those fragments, and make them into real sentences! Some examples:

And froze her feet would not move even though her mind was telling them to.

Fragment!

The sight of her father sprawled on the floor a knife embedded in his beer belly.

Another one!


Obviously, fragments and grammar aren't the most important things, though. The story is the most important. If this is the beginning of something you're working on--a novel, a story--you want to hook the reader right away, and make sure they get attached to your characters. If the reader isn't attached to your characters, they won't care what happens in the story, and therefore lose interest. Show us why we should care about Caroline, and on the flip side, why we should care about her father. So far, you only portray him as a bad guy. But he's human too! Give him some good qualities.

If you've got any questions, PM me.