The Veil Not Seen

Zion: Hey thanks for catching all that stuff! It has really helped me edit it and make it better! I will critique yours asap.

~Aero

I sat on the night shore clutching my body, as the steady plip plop of rain began. Shivering, I rubbed my hands together as I gazed at the sea.

This seems awkward, but I can't place my finger on it. Give it a quick look over.

It had been hours since I was out there, challenging wind and water alike. But the deep had become a purgatory I could never forget.

I think you can get rid of the purgatory thing. Unless he has somehow been cleansed of his sins, there is no reason to use that word. I'd rather have elements of fear and exhaustion in place then "purgatory" because fear and exhaustion are things I can relate to, purgatory isn't.

I rose bitterly, and hung my head as I walked across the shore. Then through the dark night, lightning streaked through the sky, illuminating my body, tough from sailing the vast seas.

How do you rise bitterly? I think something like "slowly" would work better (ties in with the fear and exhaustion bit) and reinforces how beat up he really is.

The self description at the bottom is bad. Why would the character notice how tough his body is? I can understand checking himself for injuries, but anything more than this is sheer vanity.

The trouble with the description process is that you want to tell people that he's been through a terrible experience, but you still want to give the audience a favorable impression.

Sorry pal, but you can't tell me he's had a purgatory of an experience and isn't bent out of shape. Swimming in the ocean can exhaust you very quickly, not to mention avoiding wreckage and any number of things he had to do before he even fell off the boat.

So, in summary: don't be afraid to beat your character up. In fact, beat them up frequently. They don't have to lose, but they shouldn't win easily.

Yet, vengeance was the only thought on my mind.

This line is so corny. What's he going to get revenge on? The sea? I'll show it!

Really, most fantasy story characters have some sort of revenge switch that is always thrown and it is expressed in the same way.

Lightning flashed again, lighting my surroundings. I stood hidden in a small cove, peering at the encompassing cliffs. They were enormous, slick with rainwater, littered with crags and nooks.

You could get rid of "lighting my surroundings." It would make things more sudden.

I'm not sure what the hidden in a cove thing is telling us. Is he hiding from someone?

Loverly, aero, I like this one much better. It's really nice that we know his name now--and the mental images I got were a lot sharper and more distinct--great job!

As ususal, though, just a few comments/suggestions:

Then looking up I gazed at the sea and rubbed my hands together.

I think the “then” is unnecessary.

After a moment, the wind picked up jingling the shark tooth necklace about my neck. “I’ll always be with you,” Father had said, holding it out to me before he left on one of his many voyages. I remember standing on the shore that day. The briny smell of the sea in my nose as I watched the white clouded sails sink into the horizon.

Yesyesyes—LOVERLY!!!

Then slowly, I took stock of my surroundings.

Maybe move the “slowly” to after “took”

“Come on, Damon, think!”

I really like that we get to learn his name here—very good.

“Awake!” A voice penetrated my dreams.

If it’s not an actual, audible voice (and i tend to think it is not) then please put it in italics. Very cool, though

mud caked knee

“mud-caked”

The cold was back now and the numbness was ever present once again, but now, I could move.

as my lungs burned constantly

I really don’t think you need “constantly” here—it detracts from the imagery somehow

Moving slightly left, I reached for a small crack, everything was becoming hazy and it took me a minute to find it.

Separate these two please, a period where the comma between “crack” and “everything” is would be loverly

peered through the wispy tendrils of white, grasping at my face

misplaced comma, you can prob eliminate it entirely

Grif: As you already know, I value your opinion very highly (it helps me keep focused on the important stuff in the story). Thank you for all your suggestions, they are done and the story has been changed to the front! If you find anything else you want to mention just let me know! Thanks again! You rock!

Gyr: Hey pal! I love you! You're so nice to continue with these constant critiques, you're definitely in my favorite critiquer list! You always catch the things I don't! haha. All of your changes have been made and I got rid of the original and posted the "improved" version up on the front page. I will get to looking over your changes on Chapter 4 of Gypsie Eyes tomorrow! Thanks again! You're awesome!

Update: Chapter 2 should be posted by Wednesday at the latest (but don't have expectations, I'm really trying to make this one perfect because I'm introducing a very vital portion of the story.)

All further critiques on Chapter 1 will be appreciated! Thanks everyone for your support!

~Aero

w00tw00t! thank's aero! *give a big, chocolate-chip cookie*

I promised I'd give your story a crit, so here it is!

It's a good opening chapter overall, because it drew me into the story right away and leaves many questions to be answered. I like the way Damon (that is his name, right?) talks to God. The flashbacks as he remembers his father's words were really good. I like his father!

Something that threw me off, though, was the way Damon talks out loud to himself. This may be a style thing, but it seems that his speeches to himself would be better as interior monologue, in italics. The quotes just stopped me. If he's the kind of guy who would actually say things aloud to himself, try to show that somewhere in the narrative so the reader isn't interupted.

Also, it seemed a little long-winded to me. After several descriptions of scaling the cliff, the writing starts to sound redundant. I'd suggest reading through the descriptions and highlighting all the similar phrases. Then you could take out and/or revise as many as possible. I'm not sure, but it seemed that he screams a lot. You might want to look into that.

I'm not sure how much punctuation editing you've done, 'cause there's still a lot of typos. If you want a full puncuation crit, just PM me, okay?

Hope this is helpful in some way. Post your next chapter soon!

Cheers! ~Shafter

I figure I won't bother with a critique since everyone else has beaten me to it and I fear I will only enforce what everyone else has already said.

But I did enjoy it thoroughly and I did get a good grasp of the stuggle Damon has with getting up to the top of the cliff. I hope the next chapter explains how he got shipwrecked. Good work and I await the next installment!

LUNA

Hey, aeroman!
Well, you asked for it. Here’s the punctuation/grammar crit. Hope it helps. Forgive me, I don't know how to use the "quote" thing.

******I sat on the night shore clutching my shivering body as the steady plip plop of rain began. Looking up I gazed at the sea and rubbed my hands together. ****
Although the first sentence is technically right, it seems like it needs a comma after “shore.” That’s just my opinion though.
There’s a comma here: “Looking up, I gazed...”

******It had been hours since I was out there challenging wind and water alike. I rose slowly, wincing in pain as I started walking across the shore. Through the dark night, lightning streaked across the sky illuminating my bruised body. *****
Comma between “sky” and “illuminating.” Also, you use the word “across” twice.

****** I stood in a small cove peering at the encompassing cliffs. They were enormous, slick with rainwater, littered with crags and nooks. ******
Unless you’re using metaphor to say that the cove is peering at the cliffs, there’s a comma between “cove” and “peering.”
By the way, I like your description of the cliffs.

*****“Is that your answer God?” I glared at the sky, boring holes into Heaven while shaking a scarred fist, “where were you when I needed you? Where were you when-” ****
“... answer, God?’”
“... a scarred first. ‘Where were you...”

*****Again, the thunder rolled and I sat down on the shore forgetting my anger. If blame was to be cast it was my fault not his. I was the one... ****
“... on the shore, forgetting my anger.”
“If blame was to be cast, it was my fault, not his.”

**** After a moment, the wind picked up jingling the shark tooth necklace round my neck. *****
“... the wind picked up, jingling the shark tooth necklace...”

*****After a moment, the wind picked up jingling the shark tooth necklace round my neck. I’ll always be with you, Father had said. I remember standing on the shore that day, like so many times before, with the briny smell of the sea in my nose as I watched the white clouded sails sink into the horizon. ******
I love this whole paragraph! You did a beautiful job of using the necklace to seamlessly show some backstory.

**** I knew he would be gone someday but not like this. Never like this. *****
“...someday, but not...”
I like the way you use the short sentence to accent the point.

****** Then as I peered at the black pearls that were beaded along it an idea came. ****
This is just opinion, but I’d put a comma between “it” and “an.”

*****I looked up, studying their dark faces curiously...*****
It’s a little unclear who “they” are. At first I thought you were still talking about the beads.

********The rocky giant loomed above me like an unconquered demon as I reached towards it. Gripping along a cleft that snaked its way up I began the grueling climb. *****
Think about putting a comma between “up” and “I.”
I like the way you use metaphor and simile to describe the cliffs. It gives me a vivid image, and it also helps develop Damon’s character.

*****Handhold by handhold, step by step, I clung like a babe to a mother with my very life held on a string. ****
Good opening rhythm, but then you mix metaphors. Could you delete the weaker one or find a different way to describe this?

**** Father’s reassuring voice repeated constantly in my mind. Use your head m’boy. God gave it to you for a reason. ****
“... head, m’boy.”
Again, I like this backstory.

*****Come on Damon think! *****
“Come on, Damon, think!”

****** I began to pace back and forth along the ridge running a quivering hand through my dark hair. ******
“... ridge, running....”

****** Suddenly my foot slipped on the water-drowned shelf; my hands quickly shot forward covering my eyes. But as fast as it began everything stopped. Slowly I moved my hands away, and I looked around confused. The sky was above me, yet I wasn’t moving. ******
“... shot forward, covering my eyes.”
There’s “move” and “moving” in the same paragraph.

***** Something felt hard against my feet and head. Reaching back, I felt along a rough surface. Finally, it hit me; I was jammed between the two faces. *****
Two “felt”s.

****Wait, I cocked my head looking back. ****
“... my head, looking back.”

******Reaching back gingerly, I placed a hand on it and gasped in pain bringing it quickly back to stare in horror at a mass of cartilage and dark blood. *****
~Shudders~ Vivid image there, it made me cringe.
“... in pain, bringing it...”

****I came to shocked and confused; eventually I organized my thoughts and tried to move. ******
“I came to, shocked and confused...”

***** At first just barely but then slowly it wove its way up my hand. Then my arm, then my shoulder until it filled my entire body. *****
“... just barely, but then...”
“... my shoulder, until it...”

*****The cold was back and the numbness was present once again but now I could move. *****
“...again, but now...”

***** Looking about for the first time in hours, I saw a ladder of rocky outcroppings to my right. They were climbing ever higher, disappearing amongst the clouds. They looked to be a stairway to Heaven, and I extended my hand to grab the first one. *****
Good paragraph! It gives me a vivid image of the scene.

*****My breath came short and raspy as the air was becoming thinner and thinner.*****
This sentence is grammatically wrong somehow... It seems that “was becoming” should be “became;” but that would pose the problem of “came” and “became” in the same paragraph. Humph.

***** I could barely see my own hand through the clouds let alone the next hold. *****
“...clouds, let alone...”

*****Leaping up I grabbed a hold of the final step using all my strength to pull myself on to the shallow ridge. Each vein and joint popped out barely contained in my skin. *****
“Leaping up, I grabbed...”

****** It was no longer about climbing the cliff. It was about surviving it. *****
I like this observation.

*****“Please God, not now.” I whispered.****
‘...not now,” I whispered.’
I can feel Damon’s despair at this point. You used very few words to convey a lot of emotion.

*****Glancing down I turned from the dizzying sight. ******
“Glancing down, I turned....”

***** How can I come this far, be this close, and now I am just a few feet from freedom and I can’t reach it. *****
This is a bit confusing. It might be better if you took out “and now I am,” but I’m not sure.

*****When you give up you’re failing yourself and that m’boy is the worst failure there is.*****
“... give up, you’re failing...”
“... and that, m’boy, is the worst...”
I love his dad!!

*****His voice brought new hope to me and my eyes shone with determination as I looked up. I would jump. I could make it. I had to. I could not go back. *****
Great rhythm.

***** Each rock raked my body slicing through cloth and skin alike. *****
“... my body, slicing through...”

***** An overhang smacked my shoulder knocking them clean. *****
“... smacked my shoulder, knocking...”
What is “them”? Your fingers? It sounds like you’re still talking about your shoulder.

******I screamed in agony forming my fingers into claws and scraping the rock. ******
“... in agony, forming...”

***** Time froze for that one second as my legs and arms waved about wildly, and then everything rushed before my eyes as I plummeted through the fog. I screamed in agony forming my fingers into claws and scraping the rock. It felt as if my very soul was being ripped from me as they were burned off. But suddenly a strange feeling crept into my heart. Something indescribable.
Suddenly everything vanished. The storm, the cliffs, even the sinking in my stomach disappeared and I lay in utter darkness.*****
Excellent finish to your chapter! It makes me cringe, it really does. *Shudders again* Of course now I want to know what happens next.

All the comments are nothing big, just a lot of nitpicky stuff. That’s what comes from my mom being an editor.
This story is great! (I was about to say I liked it, but “like” is hardly the word to use.) Be sure to let me know when you post more.
Cheers! ~Shafter

I liked this one. I usually don't read from the fantasy fiction section, but this caught my eye. There may be a few things you want to change, but I think everyone else covered it. I enjoyed reading about how Damon has his way of speaking with God.
At first I was like "What's his name?!?!" But I liked the way you revealed it. GREAT job.
Very long!
Pandora

Wow wow wow! Thanks for all the replies guys! Especially you Shafter! I love you! lol, I really needed that critique to fix all that junk. It will help me improve. I am actually going to critique your story right now so hopefully my critique will be as helpful as yours. Thanks Luna and Pandora for the great comments; I'm glad you two enjoyed it so much (If you want me to critique any of your work feel free to ask!)

Update: I should be done editing and post the next chapter by the end of today hopefully, don't count on it lol

Thanks again all!

~Aero

Well, I see that I have been missing out!
Aero, your story grabbed me right from the start. Damon is now a character that I care about:) His climb is a little hard to follow, though...I'm sorry, I haven't got any concrete suggestions on how to fix that, except maybe to have him describe the goal before him before he goes at it, and that may not be Damon's style.

I agree with Shafter on all points, particularly on loving his dad! And the way he talks to God is done well; not cheesy, not forced, as that sort of thing too often is. Buena! I shall be watching for more...

I told ya I would crit this, so I'm going to do a partial one. (Don't have time with school and all. )

I really like the story line-it shows that Damon is in desperation throughout the whole thing. I think you're still telling more than showing, though. I like the thoughts throughout the piece-Damon is pleading with God to not let him die. But I think you could still express more emotion. Have him do actions that parallel with his desperation. I really don't have any suggestions for that area, though, sorry. XD

You have some grammatical errors throughout the piece-but I won't concentrate on those. I would suggest using the book The Elements of Style by E.B. White and William Strunk. It's considered a classic in the writing world for grammar. The one thing I most noticed was that when you said a name in the middle of the sentence (such as William, m'boy or something like that), you didn't put a comma in between the appositive and the rest of the sentence. Here's an example of an appositive (the first is incorrect and the second is correct):

George the butcher stared forlornly out the window.
George, the butcher, stared forlornly out the window.

You see where the commas are? That's what you should do in an appositive. (Sorry for the amateurish example-it's off the top of my head. )

Damon isn't portrayed as much through the story as his actions are. I suggest you spend a little more time on Damon's inner thoughts and then use those feelings inside displayed in his actions.

You had a good use of language throughout the story, which I admire in a writer. The thing I would mainly suggest working on is characterization of Damon and even of his father. I want to know more about him too!

Good job aero! Sorry I couldn't do a more complete one-short on time-I'm sure you understand. If you need me to clarify anything, pm me. TTYL!

Wiggy

I thought the yelling at god scene was a little cliche. It just seems like something done to heighten the desperation of the character.

The rocky
giant loomed above me like an unconquered demon...

I don't see why a metaphor is needed here. You expressed the cliff earlier in this manner:

I stood in a small cove, peering at the
encompassing cliffs. They were enormous, slick with rainwater, littered with crags and nooks.

This is perfectly fine. You don't need demons or giants to be intimidated by the cliffs.

I'd recommend replacing the sentence you have with "I walked to the cliff and looked up. Water came down onto my face from the sharp rocks above." This reinforces the whole "what am I doing?" factor.

Through the clouds I could see the waves crashing[s] like ravaging beasts[/s] against the rocky coast hundreds of feet below.

I don't think the metaphor is necessary here.

When you use metaphors, use them to describe emotions. When you're describing nouns, metaphors aren't really needed. Characters can use them in dialogue like ("She could melt a ham and cheese sandwich from three blocks away.") but usually you should use them sparingly.

For instance:

"I broke through the clouds and climbed the last few feet to the summit. When I got there I looked around. Clouds were below me in all directions. It was like I was on top of the world."

The metaphor is underlined. Everything else is solid description. Solid description will tell you things that are. Metaphors tell you what it feels like. You do this too often and it feels like a soppy hippie camp.

Green = Comment/Correction
Black = Review

*

I looked up; studying the cliffs curiously, as I painfully walked towards them and ignored the course sand that caught between my toes.

I believe you meant ‘coarse’ and not ‘course’.

Slowly, I took stock of my surroundings. Jutting out of the cliff was a chimney; it was two flat faces on either side about two feet wide each and three feet across from each other.

I’m not too sure I can imagine this chimney but ‘was’ ought to be ‘had’. Or I may be reading it wrong.

None. Now what.

This should end in a question mark as he is considering what to do next.

But I couldn’t-I couldn’t move!

‘can’t’ not ‘couldn’t’ as this is Damon thinking it.

My mind panicked, I couldn’t even move my lips, my eyes were the only thing that could move as I pleaded mentally to God.

Eek! I didn’t like how you phrased that, the simple ‘I panicked’ or something similar would have done but that’s my opinion.

My heart slowing until I could hear the steady ba boom, ba boom, and finally when I thought all hope was lost my finger twitched subtly.

Remember my earlier comments on onomatopoeia? You can have ‘beating’ etc, rather than the very sound of his heart.

My eyes rolled around wildly as I sucked air, laid flat against the cold rock. I had run out of handholds and the top lay just twenty feet up.

I don’t think it is really necessary to state how far up/down/away something is. If I was climbing a rock I won’t really be able to calculate especially if I was hurt/in pain of some sort. It isn’t a negative thing but as Damon is ‘delirious’ he should believe his destination is so far up, etc instead of ‘twenty’ or so feet up. Something you need to think about.

They fluttered open after a second, and I peered through the wispy tendrils of white grasping at my face and spied a rift gaping wide to my right but just barely too far.

‘barely’ and ‘too far’ don’t work well together. The rift is either too far or quite close, here it seems to be both—unless Damon has lost his mind.

Taking a deep breath, I hesitated for one second.

‘one’ = ‘a’ Remember, you wouldn’t say ‘one pen’ it would be ‘a pen’, ‘a’ usually replaces ‘one’.

But suddenly a strange feeling crept into my heart. Something indescribable.

Suddenly everything vanished. The storm, the cliffs, even the sinking in my stomach disappeared and I lay in utter darkness.

Repetition of ‘suddenly’.

I’m confused about the chimney thing, I had thought it would be an actually chimney but it seems to be a gap in the cliff that Damon falls through. You could try rephrasing it unless I happen to be the only one misunderstanding what you wrote.

I found as you extended the chapter it took time for the end to come. It’s a cliff, I know it would take him time but it really was quite tiring after a while to find he was still in the same place as the beginning. I hope I’m not too negative but this chapter needed something to plunge the reader into believing Damon’s pain and his situation. A little information about his father would be great, it would give the reader a reason to feel for Damon and his loss/grieving. You might not want to do that yet but I think it is something you ought to use.

-- Myth

Thank you so much to all who have critiqued. All of your criticism has been noted and I will be doing another mass edit of Ch. 1 this weekend. Hopefully when I post it again for critique it will be much better! Thank you all once again, and anymore crits will be greatly appreciated.

~Aero