Young Writers Society

Right... evidently you don't quite understand what an info-dump is otherwise you would try to take your beginning and do something with it.

Perhaps your signature should be changed from "looking for comments" to "looking for unbridled praise". Then you would save those like me from wasting their time.

Sir Trident

This story is good, but plot and descriptions could be rephrased. Mechanics are pretty decent.

This story is good, but plot and descriptions could be rephrased.

How so?

The plot is similar to when Zeus and his mighty god-friends fought with the Titan's. Not extremely similar, but it has a resemblance.

I think that the only resemblance to a Zeus story would be the word "Titans." How do you think the descriptions could be "rephrased?"

I think it should be easy to find mistakes AND the resemblance. Not that it matters, but I find some things dull

There are coupla' mistakes in your story, if you take the time to read it, I'm sure you will find them. If I have some more time, I'll post some for you.

I guess I don't have to post any then. Yeah. You corrected most of them.

I don't find any mistakes. He has revised his story so much, it is close to the "perfect" status. If so, why don't you post his "mistakes"?

Hunterzero is right. I looked it over, and I changed all the mistakes that I found. Thanks!

O.k. I was lying. I thought you said you wanted me to be nice to your post. Do you want me to critic your story?

Sure, I don't see why not.

*Note: Changed some spelling/grammar errors*

I believe it would be for the best if you were to cut out the entire prologue (the first four paragraphs before the star line thingy). Trident is correct when he says it’s an info dump, and not only is it dull to read, but very little of it actually sticks in the reader’s memory.

Instead of dumping all that information onto the reader at the beginning, it would be better to reveal it - bit by bit - throughout the story, allowing us to discover the background to your world as we read the narrative.


The first paragraph of the actual story (with the shepherd) really could do with splitting into multiple paragraphs.


A lot of the story seems to be telling, rather than showing. You tell us ‘this happened, then this, suddenly this happened, this person appeared, they looked like this, and this happened, followed by this’. Showing more will help give the story more life, and help to suck the reader in far more. If you’re not sure about the difference between showing and telling (and it’s quite a hard concept to grasp) then try doing search for ‘show don’t tell’ using the search function on the site (I’m not very good at explaining it).


‘The spider smelled of death’

- I really dislike this phrase, and it’s used so commonly in stories. What does ‘death’ smell like? It also conveys no feeling at all over to the reader - instead, try describing how bad the odour is (using nifty words such as ‘putrid’).


‘On one staff, the feather was like a fancy quill, except the quill was filled with a purple liquid that sizzled when it dripped onto the ground. The other feather had a sharp razor attached on it.’

- Do we really need to know this about the character? Excessive description bogs down the narrative, so it’s generally a good idea to keep it relevant.


On another note, when posting here it may be a good idea to double space the paragraphs (so there’s a blank line between each paragraph) to make it easier for us to read. You can either do this manually, or - if you have Word - by pressing ‘ctrl+F’ --> ‘replace’ and type ^p in ‘find what’ and ^p^p in ‘replace with’.


Your story is interesting, as is the setting, but it cold certainly do with some smoothing out in your written style.

Keep on writing .

Thanks for the crit. I change it all now.

When you changed the parts with the Elder Egret, you made it pretty obvious that the boy, Argöl, is the boy who is now at Inoq Aibb. Try to attempt to pretend to imitate changing that.