Hapless Sinners

We are but sinners in the hands
of an angry god, upheld by
no more than his mere pleasure.
A conflagration smolders in eyes
of malice, while the damned
lie swathed in flame. This god
holds us loathsome parasites
above this pit of fire—
naught but abhorrent insects
who through vile proboscis
scrounge for mercy.
Dreadfully provoked, his wrath
seethes fiercer than the blaze;
he looks upon us as worthy
of nothing more but to be
cast into the fire.

I'm really, really tired right at the moment, so I'll promise to come back later.

For now, ask yourself the question while you ponder revisions, why did I put the line-breaks there? Work out how many syllables are in each, read it out loud and honestly ask yourself whether there is any reason they are there.

Apart from that... I'll be back. But not just now.

I really like this, it seems like you put a lot of feeling into it and it turned out very nice.
Pandora

1) Nice imagery. I love the tone - the words all fit a certain theme, a feeling. You produced this magnificently.

2)

We are but sinners
in the hands of an
angry god, upheld
by no more
than his mere pleasure.

Belitted. We got it. You restated the "we are tiny, he is large" point at least three times.

A conflagration smolders
in eyes of malice,
while the damned lie
swathed in flame.

This god holds us
loathsome parasites
above this pit of fire—
naught but abhorrent
insects, who through vile
proboscis scrounge for mercy.

^^^ The last three lines are another description of our appearance in the scheme of things. It's gorgeous, but entirely useless, as it was just stated a handful of times....

Dreadfully provoked,
his wrath seethes
fiercer than the blaze;
he looks upon us
as worthy of nothing more—
but to be cast into the fire.

We are but hapless
sinners after all.

3) There is no revelation in this poem from the beginning to the end for the reader. You said everything you were here to say in the first paragraph. Everything beyond that is pretty, the punchline is great...but we already knew it. I love the poem, really, but words should only be there for a purpose. (Or, rather, people like it that way..)

All in all, I still commend you on your imagery. It truly is fantastic.

I tried, I really tried... but the line breaks are so far off in this poem that they grate on the inner ear. I do like some of the imagery you've provided -- and the history lover in me loves that you've worked of "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God" -- but the rhythm... gosh. I think if you work on line breaks and recast the structure, this could be quite good.

Take this for example:

"while the damned lie
swathed in flame."

There are two very, very easy ways to make these two lines work better. (A), you could add a comma after the first line, so the reader knows to pause there. (B), and the one that I would suggest, transfer the word 'lie' to the beginning of the second line. This puts the emphasis on the word "damned," which is much stronger and more in line with the tone. "Lie" is just too passive.

Try thinking about that when you're working on your line breaks, and also about the rhythm of speech. Most readers know not to pause at the end of the line unless the author has placed indicative punctuation there, but it's still rather jarring.

I like the imagery in this poem

There are a few things you could improve but all in all it is a very deep, profound poem

I really really wish i had such a great idea like that!!!

Keep on writing
Charlotte

Cameron,


This is pedantic dross at its worst: we are all sinners, sure. That is nothing more than we already knew. What ground were you hoping to break, what path were you trying to show the reader? Regardless, it is lost to the mind-numbing discourse on human evil.


Best,
Brad

Brad,

There is no emotive approach under the sun that has not already been explored, contemplated, or experienced. This is but my own perspicacious musings regarding an issue that is in itself a closed conception. I had no point; this is but an elaboration upon the concept. You can draw no conclusion other that what I have specified through my descriptions. You must keep in mind that one may trod the same ground numerous times and still be awed by the beauty of the landscape. All the best,

Cameron

Cameron--


I am glad you find this topic of interest and justify its pointlessness by your own curiosity; that does not mean everyone else is interested in it. If you don't give us more than a skeleton we've all flogged, how do you possibly think you have created something poetic?

The excuse that there is no ground to travel is a flat-out lie. For some places you no longer go you still have the keys. In the same way, for the ground others have trodden there are a million different ways to present the path. The landscape is all side-show, spectacle without substance--it is your job to make the path.

Writers post here to get feedback that is then applied to revisions. They do not "share" their work--such is the nature of a blog or a personal website.

Also: avoid sarcasm. You're not very good at it.


Better luck next time,
Brad

Cameron wrote:We are but sinners
in the hands of an
angry god, upheld
by no more
than his mere pleasure.

A conflagration smolders
in eyes of malice,
while the damned
lie swathed in flame.

This god holds us
loathsome parasites
above this pit of fire—
naught but abhorrent
insects, who through vile
proboscis scrounge for mercy.

Dreadfully provoked,
his wrath seethes
fiercer than the blaze;
he looks upon us
as worthy of nothing more—
but to be cast into the fire.

We are but hapless
sinners after all.

Ok. The things I have underlined are the things I really liked. Good imagery, great one liners etc.
The things in italic are the things I didn't really like ??? not sure why
and the bold is the fire related things you expressed that I also think was good.
well done xxx