Alone

Alone

Balancing vase-like
in swollen thought,
all my cries
have been for naught.
My whole universe
was shattered.
You were the only thing
that mattered.
Left all by myself
again,
just the same
as I was then.
Felt the need
to take my life,
end my sorrow,
end my strife.
Slit my wrists,
drown in blood
Torrent, raging
lifeless flood.
Ashen white,
cold as stone
one cadaver,
all alone...

Emm... ending was not very clear to me,the poem has emotions and feelings into it.

Well done!

Hi Lexismom,


Please try to review two or three of the current pieces on the site before posting one of your own--this is, I think, one of those general guidelines of most poetry workshops; as the Young Writers Society is fueled off of user-volunteerism and is ultimately run as a type of workshop, it should and must be thought of a ship where nobody is a passenger--we're all crew members.

As for this, there is too much navel-gazing and prosaic clutter. With all respect to rhetoric (poetry is the division of rhetoric, after all), this does not convince one reader that it has much on its mind other than displaying its ability to whine.

There is simply nothing here worth showing an audience. Toss it and try again.


Best of luck,
Brad

Dont't toss it or scrap it!
It is a good piece of work
just revise it a little and it will be fantastic!
I don't think there is a single person in the world who has never whined before so putting that into a poem is great!!
Love it
charlotte

Hello!

I wasn't a huge fan of this poem. Honestly it sounded like after the first eight lines you just wanted to finish and just put things in at random. Also the Shattered/Mattered lines were very cliche. Try finding a new way to express that.

BUT, do NOT scrape a piece of work. NEVER. I'm sick of seeing people saying that. Never get rid of anything. There is always potential.

I hope you'll save and edit this and maybe post it again. I'd love to see what you changed!

Good luck!

i thought it was awesome. seriously. the shattered/mattered is a bit cliche, but it didnt bother me.

the poem reminded me of how i've felt.