off-key

intimate fragility, shared, living on whispers:
surviving in hand-drawn hearts. its pulse
fluctuates, spiralling into alien depths;
we want to exonerate it from purpose:

remove the parasite. yet, in the same moment,
our desires are broken. what joys could we have
if they were not juxtaposed by schism?

the waves crash against a battered hull,
we ride like Jason through the crashing isles,
our dove losing more than few feathers, though;
the storm, we realise, abides not only at sea

but rages in the off-key
beating of two hearts.

Why Jason?

xanthan gum wrote:Why Jason?

Jason and the Argonauts?

the storm, we realise, abides not only at sea

but rages in the off-key
beating of two hearts.

- Wow... I love it.

I think in the first two paragraphs there is some flow issues with how things sound but nothing that really stands out.

Just wonderful, Jack.
CL.

interesting!Well done.

...

Damn. pardon my language, but damn.

I'll be back later maybe with something coherent.

Ok, so maybe the first two stanza don't quite flow correctly, but it almost seems intentional with your last line...

Ok! Coherency later!

First of all, I have to commend you for using the word "juxtaposition" in a poem and succeeding in making it not sound clunky. Never thought I'd see that happen. And I agree with Mesh's thoughts on the flow in the first two stanzas; it bothered me at first, but when I got to those last two lines, it seemed much more intentional. And can I just say, the imagery in this is gorgeous? Very vibrant. "the storm, we realise, abides not only at sea..." I'd dislike you for thinking of that line before me if this poem weren't so great, I think.

The second stanza is very TOOL (...Lateralus)-esque. All in all, the emotion definitely goes deep. The ending is great.

Thanks for reading everyone! Xan, like Cal said, the Jason reference is to Jason and The Argonauts. It's just supposed to be an anology to braving a way through a place where you know others have ultimately failed, and coming out on the other side.

Jack--


Very strong writing.

However, "but rages in the off-key \ beating of two hearts." seemed to me to be itself off-key. Perhaps this is the point.

Below is just a minor revision: suggestions for different enjambment and a few tightenings of your language. In general I do not know that breaking a line between subject and verb works very well.

Good to see your work again.


All the best,
Brad


intimate fragility, shared, living on whispers:
surviving in hand-drawn hearts.
its pulse fluctuates; spiralling
into alien depths, we want
to exonerate it from purpose:

remove the parasite. yet
our desires are broken.
what joys could we have
if not juxtaposed by schism?

the waves crash against a battered hull,
we ride like Jason through the crashing isles, [this bothers me; isles do not "crash," to wit, and even if they do, "crash" is used too much in these two lines]
our dove losing more than feathers;
the storm we realise
abides not only at sea but rages
in the off-key beating of two hearts.

Wow, can't believe I missed this one. You know I always blather like a moron when I read your poetry, Jack; why break our long-held tradition?

I loved "intimate fragility," "juxtaposed by schism," and "our dove losing more than a few feathers." Overall, some very powerful writing here, my friend. Thanks for the read; it's always a pleasure.

intimate fragility, shared, living on whispers:
the waves crash against a battered hull,
we ride like Jason through the crashing isles,
our dove losing more than few feathers, though;
the storm, we realise, abides not only at sea

Hmm okay i should critque more so lets see it all made sense till you suddenly brought in the analogy then my brain didn't know what was going but after that you managed to save and what does Juxstapostion mean anyway. The second verse was all i didn't like.

Okay, wow, first of all.

I may be only thirteen and everything, but the big-wordiness is, in my humble opinion, overwhelming the rest of the poem. Juxtaposed? I didn't even know that was a word! Some of them are fine, definitely, but I think you may have overdone it a little here. Keep up the good work.