Opium Visions

fallen, from
the heights of serenity
into a nightmare
of addictive obsession

Starved of life
sup on the tit
of back-alley fruits
on the brink
of purple
darkness;
hunger awaits.

tears at the soul
a fevered
dream-ridden beast
licentious temptation
the siren's call
deadly apathy
consumes
the grey.

Loved this - really hits home. It sounds ' gorgeous' if that maks sense? The second stanza especially - wow. Worgs.

Thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed it, but now I must try to hide it from the eyes of He-With-The-Scathing-Eyes ... the Eater of Words ... Brad!

*screams and runs*

Lol, thanks again.

*slick jimmy slaps the softside of elbow, and rocks to and fro*

Dude. these words are.....

Hey wait a minute, aren't most opiates yellowish in color?

hehe, you said tit.

I love the word licentious. purple to grey is kewl.

*sweat breaks*

This is a nice piece of work, from title to end.

Excellent. Thank you for the reply, tis appreciated.

I liked it too. It was yummy. The 2nd stanza was my favourite. Except, i felt it ended quite suddenly. TOO suddenly maybe, like there should have been more. However, its your poem and its pretty darn good as it is anyway, so you decide. Turrah x

I really loved this one. When you read aloud it sounds so cool.

fallen from
the heights of
serenity
into a nightmare
of addictive
obsession

how you separated serenity and obsession makes a huge difference and I like it alot.

Great job! Can't wait for more of your stuff!

Cheers all, thanks for takin the time to read and reply.

Jiggity,


This is junk.

The one-word lines are ridiculous. They indicate immediately that your work is beginner-level.

What did you think was coherent, here? I am having difficulty both understanding the poem and why I should want to understand it--nowhere do you give us a reason to care about this addict.

Don't try to save this.


Best,
Brad

Shut up. What, because you don't like it, I should get rid of it? Whatever. I like it, its my piece, and others do as well. Just because you don't like it, or understand it, doesn't mean that I have to go out of my way to alter something to suit your inflated sense of whatever it is your looking for.

It certainly doesnt give you the right to piss on my, or other people's work.

What did you think was coherent, here? I am having difficulty both understanding the poem and why I should want to understand it--nowhere do you give us a reason to care

It's funny--those lines apply perfectly to Dream Sequence 11. I, however, realise that I may not being seeing your vision and so respectfully voice my confusion as to what it is your writing and even discuss it with you. Its a shame to see that you don't return that respect.

Stop your charade of critiques; they arent at all helpful, just bitchy. I'm ashamed that I didn't see it before. Have you ever heard of constructive criticism?!

Jiggity--


In any critique left by a user, they do not assume that they should have any influence over what the author does. As a reviewer, one can only say what he or she would do in place of the author. Just because you are unsatisfied with the way a reader views your work is no reason to flame them.

It's a serious question that you have toask: what did you expect me, as a reader, to take from this? What coherent message were you trying to send, and, more importantly, why should I, the reader, want to receive it?

That my words apply directly to Dream Sequence 11 is perfectly fine by me. If you feel that way--then say so! There's no reason to sugarcoat what you experience as a reader. However, as we have discussed, Dream Sequence 11 is a piece with heavy allusions to literature you have not read, which would understandably cause these confusions. Were there any allusions here which I might have missed, and thus be causing this confusion?

Since you failed to respond to my critique (except to say that my words apply to me--and really, aren't we all guilty of this, anyway?), I am going to assume it still stands. Until you can explain to me what in this piece is worth my reading, then I am left to think that there is still nothing.

I'm sorry that is difficult for you to accept, but part of getting better is pain. I know that you will get better if you keep trying--and yes, that will mean more negative comments (always!)

Again, in my opinion, this isn't worth saving.


Best,
Brad

I didn't sugercoat it! I told you I was confused and thought it was abstract, and your right when you said we had established the main cause of the confusion, that being my ignorance of another piece of literature. My point is that despite that I didn't say it was junk on the basis that I was confused, or any other negative comment which wouldn't at all help the situation.

Jiggity,


The only help for this is the trash can.

What is it but four (incoherent) sentences that have awkward, unthoughtful linebreaks? There are no clever phrases, no startling images, no nothing, to take hold of and use again.

While it may be true, my piece is confusing, there is a difference in being confusing and being incoherent. Yours suffers the latter, and, from here on, all discussions need to be contained to the piece at hand--jumping up and down yelling "Well you have this problem too!" justifies neither the claim nor your failure.

All I am asking you do is answer the questions I listed above. If you can do that, then I will apologize. If you can't, then keep them in mind when writing your future pieces, and you will surely see an increase both in the quality of your poems and the level of praise in your comments.

This isn't the end of the world.


All the best,
Brad

Ok first of all, both of you cool it. And secondly Brad I think that even if you feel something that doesn't mean you need to be disrespectful to the author. Telling anyone that their work isn't worth saving is one mean and second a lie. There's always something to salvage in a piece of work, just because your ignorence isn't letting you see it doesn't mean it's not there.


want to add more. but need to go.

go at it if you must.

Like it, loved it, fantastic