Solar Flares

12 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 688
blood on a dandelion,
the petals peel and shiver
down into solitary winter -
where even the beautiful freeze to be
time-tapped and sapped
of syrup and libido.
Lips push and shove,
hooking fish in lakes of
undulating emoceans.
Anima and fluff snatch opportunity
from the zenithal zephyr that
rips through this metropolis -
dashing death with bolts of fire
and dropping rain sanguine.
Last edited by xanthan gum on Thu Oct 12, 2006 8:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Carpe Diem.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 688
I bump. And I am unashamed
Carpe Diem.




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 103
Nice piece. I particularily enjoyed your word selection in reference to the poem’s context (emoceans was clever). As for constructive criticism, the one thing I felt that distracted me from the flow was:


where even the beautiful freeze
time-tapped and sapped

of syrup and libido.


It's difficult to distinguish whether "where even the beautiful freeze" is supposed to carry on into the next line, "time-tapped and sapped". Either seperate it, or better illustrate its correlation. As is, it diverts the reader. Cheers,

Cameron
The individual leads in actual fact a double life, one in which he is an end to himself and another in which he is a link in a chain which he serves against his will or at least independently of his will.
--SIGMUND FREUD




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 2
Your word choice is beautiful, I love this piece.
we're going nowhere fast x




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 85
Stunning. It looks like you put a lot of thought into this. Keep up the great work!
Pandora




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 18178
Reviews 1259
Didn't Brad use "emoceans" in one of his poems, once?
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1586
Reviews 402
I love the "emoceans" thing. That is sooo cool!

I can't crit this because I can't find anything! I'll just tell ya I love it!

Wiggy ;)
"I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul..." --Mr. Darcy, P & P, 2005 movie
"You pierce my soul." --Cpt. Frederick Wentworth

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 688
Yes, Firestarter. I stole it. He knows.
Carpe Diem.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 18178
Reviews 1259
Ahh -- fair enough.

Did you take the blood on the dandelion, too?

The language in this poem was simply beautiful. It rolled off the tongue.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 688
Yeah, we discussed that. It was pure accident. The dandelion being the sun - a universal thing - the blood being the wound, corruption, the signal of death.
Carpe Diem.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 840
Reviews 168
Love the words and the flow
I don't really understand what your talking about except death i think but
I'm only 13 so you know....
great poem though
just great




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 915
Sara,


Jack is correct insofar as the language rolls off the tongue. Unfortunately, the meaning and purpose of your poem roll off with it.

I see a barely visible trace of a world which is collapsing from its own self-mutilation, but is this really anything new or that has not been established by much better poets? I am not certain; you can rework this, but my suggestion is to start the idea over on a fresh sheet of paper.


Take care,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson



The adventures I enjoy are usually of a literary nature.
— Henry Winchester