If All the World's A Stage

*Necessary disclaimer: Yes, the first line isn't mine. I just borrowed it to play for a little while.

If all the world’s a stage to me
Then all that I can ever be
Is a performance, hiding behind my mask
While the audience shares a flask
Filled with memories of my mistakes
Not caring if my heart does break
Laughing when I trip and fall,
Not caring if I get up at all
The stage is set, the lights now dim
The actors come and enter in,
But presently, the lights turn off
And memories of my time are soon cast off

Alright, I have to start off in saying that I really like this piece. In fact, I can really relate because I'm still afraid of being myself around my parents in terms of my writing.

However, I have two minor complaints. In my opinion, the comma at the end of the third to last line, "The actors come and enter in," could be changed to a period to add further emphasis. That's more or less my opinion.

Secondly, it bothers me a little bit that you used "off" to end your last two lines. Seeing as nothing else could go there, I suppose it was unavoidable (not to mention there aren't many words rhyming with off). I'm just saying it makes the piece a bit choppy in my opinon.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Kudos for you. Good job!

this light mood poem. it cheers me up that there are more poeple who aren't good at acting other than me. oh i loved this line
"While the audience shares a flask
Filled with memories of my mistakes"
nice going with your short and sweet poem.

Don't worry about the first line - if it's not a direct quote, you just have to hope that people will pick up the reference for themselves. To be honest, they ought to, considering they're reading your poem and trying to understand it

If all the world’s a stage to me
Then all that I can ever be
Is a performance, hiding behind my mask

Good start - two 8 syllable lines swing you into a quick, snappy rhythm right away. The next line, however, is 11 syllables, and so needs a little tweaking - I would suggest changing "hiding" to "hid", which gives you 10 syllables and a much better flow.

While the audience shares a flask

Ouch. While "me" and "be" seem almost coincidental rhyme (and that's good, you want the line to stand out because you've used rhyme, not the simple fact that you have done...) this one just seems plain forced. Rhyming couplets is one of the oft-abused techniques that just make you wince when you read it - if you're going to do it, you really need to pull out all the stops to make it sound natural. What that requires is more than your normal rhymes: things like "fall/call", "death/breath", or indeed "mask/flask" are all straight complete rhymes; in order to vary the tone and keep attention on your lines and the strained end, you need to work with half-rhymes and discreet rhymes. That means using things like "mask/glass" or "fall/soar" - words that are partial rhymes, but not all. That way, you still get the benefits of rhyming poetry in the way is flows and rolls off the tongue, but you lose the nasty side effects of straining the poem with obvious lines and sounds. Be subtle: it pays.

Filled with memories of my mistakes
Not caring if my heart does break
Laughing when I trip and fall,
Not caring if I get up at all

Hmm, careful there, soldier: you're in serious danger of alienating the reader with cliche and overused lines and images - "memories of mistakes" you can probably just about get away with, but images of 'breaking hearts' and 'falling down/getting up again' have been used pretty extensively already. Be careful with thoughts like that, because people have heard them enough to just not care anymore, and indifference is fatal to their reading of the rest of them poem, not just the cliche parts.

The stage is set, the lights now dim
The actors come and enter in,

See? There's an example of a slightly less-than-absolute rhyme, and it works so much better!

But presently, the lights turn off
And memories of my time are soon cast off

Noooo! Even worse than obvious rhyming couplets! Don't rhyme a word with itself, it's like the poetical knell of death, especially at a part so vitally important as the end.
Also, it just feels like you end too abruptly, with nothing in between - the actors have only just got on to the stage, and in two lines you end it all. It really needs more in there, or the whole thing just feels cut off at the knees.

Overall, you've certainly produced an good effort - you need to watch your line lengths later on, try and keep them to 8/10/12 syllables long like you do in the first couple, and it'll flow so much better. Chop and change some of those rhymes so they're less obvious and more effective, and beware of cliche and overused images.

Hope we'll see some more poetry from you, maybe a redraft of this one. Keep it up!

Love it Phoenixfire!
Easier than jumping of a fourty-five foot tower, isnt' it? *snicker*

You suck. Seriously.
Crap! I never noticed the 'off...off' thing!