The Blotchy Gift Tag

The Blotchy Gift Tag


I assure you that it is no fun waking up one Sunday morning to find that you are the only soul in you house and that your parents left a note saying that they had to extra early because of an emergency call. I can also assure you that spirits may rise momentarily when you find a wonderfully packed parcel awaiting you on your doorstep. And I should also tell you what you that if you find yourself in a similar circumstance, you should read my account before doing anything that day.

I found myself on such an occasion last Sunday and my initial despair was removed when I opened the front door and found a welcoming sight. On the second doorstep, I saw a large parcel wrapped in a very cheerful and very red paper, complete with a neat but tantalizing blue ribbon. Immediately, I brought the box inside and my despair was overshadowed by when I found the box quite heavy. Big, heavy parcels always bring in big smiles and heavy happiness.

Just before my excited fingers could undo the ribbon, I spotted a little gift tag attached to it saying something. Apparently, the parcel had undergone a shower because the inky writings on the tag were blotched and difficult to read. Although most of the letters were too smudged and distorted,I deciphered a part of the message and soon after cursed myself for doing so. For the only inky blotch of the letters which could be read spelled out the words “Mrs. Teo Spinner”. Not only wasn’t I Mrs. Teo Spinner, but to make matters worse, she was actually my next door neighbour whom hated with all my heart. So, the postman had delivered the parcel in the wrong house, what fun!
Mrs. Spinner was a middle aged lady with white teeth and a rather large nose but more emphatically, she was my arch enemy. From the time I had moved in this neighbourhood, all she had done for me was to scream at me, shout at me and screech at me. Every time my ball would reach her house (and maybe shatter her windows or break a flowerpot or two) she would come out with a rolling pin in her hand and angry, devilish flames in her eyes. First, she would tell me off and then tell my parents, who would tell me off again and I would end up giving my well-earned pocket money to her as a fine. And on certain unfortunate occasions, when my piggy bank would be empty (that would be the days the local ice-cream parlour would launch their new, irresistible flavours) I would have to pay for my not-so-payable deeds by washing Mrs. Spinner’s dishes or taking her pet bull dog for a walk (which is no fun either when a little monster like that bites you at least a twenty times). How it pains me to recall those memories, O the pangs of innocent childhood! How I despise that large-nosed lady!

Then without warning, as it so happens a good many times when you are alone and annoyed on a Sunday morning, my devilish side woke up. A tiny, impish voice (which guides me so often) told me to open the parcel and to ruin all its contents and then repack it and send it to its rightful owner. My spiteful, mean alter ego was thus arisen and quickly, before I changed my mind, I tore open the red wrapping paper and opened the cardboard box inside it.

Inside the cardboard box was a beautiful crystal duck, a porcelain teapot and a big, blue china vase with a picture of a Chinese dragon on it. All of these seemed vaguely familiar but I didn’t care. Quickly, before you can say “Look before you leap”, I got hold of the crystal duck, uttered a sinister, revengeful ‘Quack’ and dropped it on the floor. Ah, the joys of hearing the melody of glass shattering! Then, imagining and cherishing the look of pure horror Mrs. Spinner would have on her face when she got back the shards, I picked up the teapot and sent it crashing to the floor. The last object, the china vase, was hurled by me in a exquisite fashion. I depicted a scene from the Odyssey and pretending to be the Cyclops Polyphemus, I hurled it at the floor, as the mythological one-eyed giant had hurled a rock on Odysseus’s ship. I stood atop the shattered pieces of class, porcelain and china and laughed like a cruel, cruel, vengeful monster.

Sweet is feeling after taking a revenge which you have been waiting for five, long, desperate years. Surprised is the feeling when your eyes suddenly fall on an envelope at the bottom of the parcel. Well, let me at least find out who was being so generous to a tyrant like Mrs. Spinner, I thought. The feelings I had experienced after I opened the sealed, yellow envelope and after reading the entire letter is truly inexpressible. I can only do so much as to tell you what the letter said. The rest is up to you and you alone to guess and figure out. Here’s what the neat, cursive hand read:

“Dear Riti,
I have always been a cruel neighbour to an adorable child like you; always shouting, screaming and screeching at you for petty reasons. I’m sorry for ruining your summer days and for making you pay dearly for your not-at-all-payable deeds. I want to apologize and make up before I leave. By the way, I am moving away to another neighbourhood in another state and will probably never see you again. Please forgive this cold-hearted neighbour of yours and accept my gifts. The things I have sent you are my most prized possessions so I thought that you might remember me. But I ask you a favour-please remember me as your well wisher and not as your enemy. Pity, I never had a chance to know you better or even say a proper farewell. Enjoy your games without the fear of me always scolding you.
Good luck and Goodbye,
Mrs. Teo Spinner.”

Loverly, dahling, a nice O. Henry-like twist there at the end.
I do have a...few comments. Remember, I crit because I care!

on such an occasion

should be "in such a situation"

Big, heavy parcels always bring in big smiles and heavy happiness

I get the parallelism you’re going for here, but “heavy happiness” is a stretch

Mrs. Spinner was a middle aged lady with white teeth and a rather large nose but more emphatically, she was my arch enemy

there really needs to be some kind of punctuation between “nose” and “but”, perhaps even end the sentence and start a new one. You need to emphasize the arch enemy bit, as it is it’s just like, “oh, that’s odd”. also, "emphatically" would be better replaced with something like "importantly".

From the time I had moved in this neighbourhood, all she had done for me was to scream at me, shout at me and screech at me.

way too many “me”s, again, the parallelism is fun, but try something like “scream, shout, and screech at me” note: the alliteration is also fun

or taking her pet bull dog for a walk (which is no fun either when a little monster like that bites you at least a twenty times).

the “which” here is imprecise, how about something like “and I can tell you, it’s no fun when a little monster like that…”, also, we can probably guess that the dog's her pet without you saying so

Then without warning, as it so happens a good many times when you are alone and annoyed on a Sunday morning, my devilish side woke up.

no “it” required here; one other suggestion—and this is a suggestion, it’s just a matter of style—try replacing “you” with “one.” I know you’re in the first person, but the “one” makes it sound just a little more innocent, a kind of “who me? Why anyone would do it”

A tiny, impish voice (which guides me so often) told me to open the parcel and to ruin all its contents and then repack it and send it to its rightful owner

too much exposition all at once. Try to parcel it out, like revealing each delicious ingredient of this plot. But again, this may just be a style thing

was thus arisen

should be "thus arose"

before I changed my mind

should be “before I could change my mind”, the way it is sounds like the change in mind is unavoidable

The last object, the china vase, was hurled by me in a exquisite fashion.

transitive is almost ALWAYS better, try something like “The last object, a china vase, I hurled to –location- in an exquisite fashion.” When you say “hurl” you generally want to give a destination for the hurled object, otherwise people sometimes think that you, personally, hurled, as in threw-up

I depicted a scene from the Odyssey and pretending to be the Cyclops Polyphemus, I hurled it at the floor, as the mythological one-eyed giant had hurled a rock on Odysseus’s ship.

I depicted a scene from the Odyssey and pretending to be the Cyclops Polyphemus, I hurled it at the floor, as the mythological one-eyed giant had hurled a rock on Odysseus’s ship.

okay, a lot to say about this one:
“I” should be “it”. too much hurling, please find a synonym or I’m going to be sick. comma after “and”, please, to match the one after "Polyphemus". you can also get rid of “mythological”, I hope everyone at least has an idea that Cyclops didn’t really exist. last but not least, change "depticting" so something like "acted out", depict generally refers to a piture or a piece of art "depicting" something, a still exsistance, not an action

I stood atop the shattered pieces of class, porcelain and china and laughed like a cruel, cruel, vengeful monster.

eliminate one of the “cruel’s” please; and you had a lovely thing going with Cyclops in the last line, why not continue it in this? I mean, instead of comparing yourself to some unnamed "monster", why not compare yourself to Cyclops again?

Okay, that's all for now dahling. Hope it was helpful, I crit because I care![/i]

Nice job. I really like how you had the twist at the end of the story. As Gyrfalcon pointed out you do have some grammar mistakes but overall I thought that this story was very good!

really helpful crit Gryfalcon. and thanks for appreciating. you too lampshade; thanks.