Fools' Duel: Curiosity Killed The Cats

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Curiosity Killed The Cats

At the base of a tree were two children, Robin and Poppy, with their backs against the trunk. The field before them was lush green with orange feathery rushes growing. A heavy mist hung in the air, ready to grab at them with its ghostly fingers.

Robin was the eldest by two years. Poppy had recently passed her thirteenth birthday. As a treat their parents had brought them to the countryside for a fresh break away from the city.

They had spent the morning prowling through the desolate hills of Dartmoor. Robin climbed the tree earlier, he had seen Little Callon—the picturesque village where they were staying—and was the first to spot the white rabbit.

The sight of it created a game in Robin’s mind. They ran after it without a second thought to where it would lead them. Like Alice, they sought after an adventure down a hole to a world of talking animals and live decks of cards. After the rabbit scampered into a hole they gave up the chase, returning to the tree.

“Wot we doing now?” Poppy asked.

“Don’ know.” Robin replied. It seemed he had lost any inspiration he may have had and was using his favourite sentence to emphasise this.

In silence, each felt as miserable as the day began to look. It was then that a hollow beating, quite faint, disturbed their peace. For a moment they did not react. When it came again, Poppy turned to her brother.

“’Ear that? Sounds like a drum or something,”

“Nah.”

Poppy stood. She surveyed the area and saw a strange procession of people, dressed in bright clothing that contrasted against their surroundings, in the next field. At their head was a boy of about ten with a drum. Next came a girl, not a day older than Robin, with hands tied. On either side of the girl were two stout women—guards’ ominous expressions forbidding escape.

“Jus’ a bunch ’f gypsies,” her brother commented, with an air of scholarly knowledge.

“Do they live ’ere?”

“Well I don’ know. Go an’ ask ’em, why don’ you?”

Robin strode towards the field cautiously. The people did not alter their gaze to look at him. He was about a hundred yards away from them when Poppy joined him.

The beating of the drum dominated the atmosphere, booming like a death toll. The gypsies continued up a hill and then trailed into a dark wood. Robin caught a flash of adventure. He grabbed his sister’s hand and pulled her along.

“Wot’re you doing?” She complained.

“We got to see where they go. Might get a look at wot no one else ain’t ever seen.”

Poppy reluctantly let her brother tug her along.

By the edge of the wood they found the worn path taken by the gypsies. They held back, waiting for the drum beats at their weakest. They followed, in gypsy suit, one behind the other.

The march lasted no longer than five minutes. Each time they caught sight of the last gypsy they paused, ignoring the swish of branches smacking their faces as they proceeded.

At last they came to a clearing. Robin stopped fast and pushed himself and Poppy against the thickest tree. From there they watched the goings-on.

Stone slabs had been placed in a wide circle in the middle of the glade. The gypsies, eight in total, stood around these slabs, each facing a newly dug hole. Fresh earth lay in a pile beside it with two shovels stuck in. The drummer halted. At the sight of the hole, the girl—tied up—whimpered. The two women pushed her forward and the girl screamed, falling into the pit.

“Please!”

Robin covered Poppy’s mouth.

“They’re acting,” he whispered, half-heartedly. This did not convince either of them. “P’raps she stole a family ’eirloom wot was precious an’ being punished like.” He let go of his sister.

“’Eirloom? So she’s a crim’nal?”

Robin shrugged his shoulder. “Don’ know.”

The girl was shrieking. A swarthy man clicked his fingers at the two women. They nodded in acknowledgement and took up the shovels. With precise sweeps they began filling up the hole, which was evidently a grave.

The drummer started up again, the pounding of his drum was like the last beatings of a dying heart.

“She being buried alive?”

Robin didn’t answer. Poppy nudged him and was shoved back in return. They were both terrified, though neither wanted to admit it. Poppy turned away in disgust. If they had watched the drummer boy, they would have seen tears, flowing freely, run down his cheeks.

“Robin, please can we go back?”

The girl was crying hysterically, it was muffled by the earth covering her.

Poppy covered her ears and screwed her eyes shut. For how long she stood there, she did not know. She felt Robin slip his arms around her, comforting her with his words.

“’S all right. They’ve gone now. Come, we ain’t got much time.”

“Eh?”

He led her around the tree to the clearing. They had a perfect view of the gypsy graveyard.

“No! We ain’t doing nothing. If they want a crim’nal buried, they get to. We ain’t got no business of it.”

“Well... you wouldn’t like it ’f it were you down there an’ I didn’t come an’ get you.” Robin argued.

He quickly sped to the grave and squatted. He pushed at the earth in a vain attempt to save the poor soul beneath it. Grudgingly, Poppy copied his movements. Soon they were sweating. Their brows were smeared with dirt where they had wiped away sweat.

As the body of the girl became almost visible, Robin climbed down beside her. Poppy kept a lookout. The girl was still buried but Robin managed to lift her head.

“Hello? You wake up now. We’re going to save you.”

He shook the girl gently. She was cold as ice, her dark features filthy. But then she coughed. She had swallowed a mouthful of earth and splattered it out with saliva. She gasped with shock, taking in deep breaths.

“Hush! You’ll only go an’ bring ’em back.”

She glanced around her to find him gazing sympathetically at her. She was helped to her feet. Robin was about to call out to Poppy when there came a sudden thud.

“Poppy? Wot’re you up to?”

There was no reply. He raised himself out of the grave only to come face-to-face with the dark man. He was grabbed by the cuff of his T-shirt. One of the women carried the unconscious Poppy in her arms.

“Poppy!”

“She can’t hear you,” the man said. His accent was thick, making it difficult to understand his speech.

“Lemme go!” Robin struggled in the man’s grasp.

Poppy was dropped into the grave with the girl, who immediately screamed.

“Please! Don’t do this!”

Robin joined his sister and the gypsy—the man had pushed him back in. He was about to wake Poppy when something hard struck him on the head. The girl hollered and was silenced by the same shovel used to hit both Poppy and Robin.

The gypsy women filled the hole. The dark man smiled with satisfaction. The drummer resumed the death toll.
Last edited by Myth on Mon Jan 22, 2007 3:37 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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Ooooh, quite ominous. I feel for the two, but it's another one of those lessons I suppose.

They were both dark haired. Robin was two years older and Poppy had recently passed her thirteenth birthday. As a treat their parents had brought them to the country for a fresh break away from the city


Maybe it's because I'm a big proponent of "let the reader's imagination decide", but I really don't think it's necessary for us to know they're dark-haired. It doesn't really add anything to the story as is (unless this is just an excerpt and it means something later on). I would move the rest of that paragraph up and make it the second or maybe fourth paragraph. Just my opinion, though.
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I see what you mean. Sometimes you get people who want descriptions of characters so I just it it a bit. I think I'll take your suggestion and move it up a little.

Thanks for reading, I'll go and checkout what you've done with your entry. :D
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Is that the end of the story? Or is this going to be chapter book?

Because if that's the end.... :shock: *inches away from Myth*


I didn't find anything that was bad, except a little more detail would have made it more interesting. What I wondered was what the Gypsy camp looked like.
"Admitting that you don't like reading is admitting that you don't have an imagination." -- Broken Wings




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Um.. gypsy camp? They actually went to a graveyard hence the stone slabs (tombstones). I was really plain, just a clearing for graves.

This is for a Fantasy Fools contest and that is the end. I might consider, at a later time, to add more but this is the first time I've killed off characters. So.. I guess it was scary for me. I'm glad I didn't have to give too much detail in the actual 'dying', nothing too dramatic. Or I'll leave it alone.

Thanks for taking the time to read through it. :D
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"The field before then was lush green with orange feathery rushes growing."


'Before them', perhaps? And growing where? From the clouds onto the field?

"Robin had climbed the tree earlier, he could see Little Callon..."


A semi-colon would work better than a comma there :)

"After the rabbit had scampered into a hole they gave up chase."


I think you need 'the chase' there.

"Each time they caught sight of the last gypsy they paused. Ignoring the swish of branches smacking their faces as they proceeded."


Turn that into one sentence with a comma where your first sentence ends. It makes a clumsy second sentence like it is there.

Apart from that, a good story, though I was a little lost as to the point of the burial in the first place. Still, it was nicely written and their speech was a good, personal touch. Well done!




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And growing where? From the clouds onto the field?


What clouds? The rushes are orange plants on the field, I didn't add anything about clouds as I was describing the field scene.

though I was a little lost as to the point of the burial in the first place.


I left that up to the readers imagination, I didn't want to give away the reason plus Robin gave you an idea.

Thanks for reading :D and pointing out mistakes.
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I really enjoy your writing Myth. You have a certain pizazz, or knack, for leading me on and making me want to read more. I envy how you write so simplistic and it just leaps off the page at me, but I have to say that was pretty twisted how you made all three die in the end. I had this sickening feeling in my stomach when I was reading about the little girl buried alive. Great job, I did find some grammatical errors, but it looks like the ones I found were already covered by Blazing. Keep up the amazing writing! :)

-aero
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Hullo Myth! ...It seems a certain duty, you know - I really ought to critique the Fools' Duel entries. ^_~ A duty, of coures, without any implication of being irritating - this was pleasure to read.

All in all, it was the situation and brevity of the paragraphs that held attention. The style seemed always to be nudging, look just around this bend, look - just here. With that in mind, a few points seemed to say more than needed and dragged a bit...sentence structure becoming laundry-like in its listing of events. Only a few points - I'll note them. Brevity has to be terribly precise, I think - it shows more when it's not. ^_^ The strength here is that it mostly is.


Robin and Poppy sat with their backs against a tree. The field before them was lush green with orange feathery rushes growing. A heavy mist hung in the air, ready to grab at them with its ghostly fingers.

Robin was two years older and Poppy had recently passed her thirteenth birthday. As a treat their parents had brought them to the countryside for a fresh break away from the city.


Beginning both parapraphs with Robin stuck out. Perhaps changed up?

They had spent the morning prowling through the desolate hills of Dartmoor. Robin had climbed the tree earlier, he could see Little Callon—the picturesque village where they were staying—and had spotted a white rabbit.


More impression than words here, very clear image. This set the atmosphere, with a bleak foreshadowing of something strange to come. ^_^

“Wot we doing now?” Poppy asked. Her brother was full of ideas and she felt rather bored with nothing to do.


The dialogue characterises the characters, briefly - compliments the style. ^_^ Second sentence here though would affect more as a comparison. Perhaps this -" Her brother was full of ideas and frustratingly close-lipped about them now that she was bored." Off-hand suggestion - up to you.

It seemed he had lost any inspiration he may have had and was using his favourite sentence to emphasis this.


Typo - emphasise?

In silence, each felt as miserable as the day was faring.


Comparison images the two and the day/scene. The present progressive/passive though in was faring leaves less keenness to it. "In silence, each felt as miserable as the day [began to] look[ed]."

They had left the city behind but not their dialect. Where they lived it was common sense to speak the way they did and it was the villagers of Little Callon who were weird country bumpkins.


This - after they've spoken and we know they came from city - is telling what we know/assume, redundant except as a look at how they percieve the country; though that's also somewhat implied. Was it meant to explain the speech? If so, it's telling more here than needed, noticeable.

On either side of the girl were two stout women—guards forbidding her from escaping.


Rather than telling, perhaps describing the women. Simple shift like so - "...guards' aspect/countenances forbidding escape,"

They held back, waiting for the drum beats at its weakest.


Plural - drum beats at their weakest.

They followed, in gypsy suit, [s]of[/s] one behind the other.


Needless - 'of'. ^_^

At the sight of the hole, the girl—[s]who was[/s] tied up—whimpered.


Strike the passive again? The immediacy of this has to be as clear as it can.

They were both terrified, though neither wanted to admit this.


This sounds rather more smooth than the subject, formal. Simply "it"?

Poppy covered her ears and screwed her eyes shut. Please let this be a dream! For how long she repeated this wish, she did not know. She felt Robin slip his arms around her, comforting her with his words.


Italics for the thought will make it clearer that it is a thought, not part of the rest of the narrative.

Poppy's thinking comes abruptly though. The entire narrative is very detached, third-person from the outside without doubt. Describing her action, Robin's reaction might very well make the same, if not a more striking, impression.

As the body of the girl became almost visible, Robin climbed down beside her. Poppy kept a lookout. The girl was still buried but Robin managed to lift her head.

“Hello? You wake up now. We’re going to save you.”


'Tis very Myth-like - in the best possible way. You've told without telling, and Robin is characterised as more than bored, flippant older brother - rather a naive care and hope. ^_^

She was cold as ice, her dark features filthy, and then she coughed


Break this apart for clarity? "She was cold as ice, her dark features filthy. But in a moment she coughed." Possibly?

Poppy was dropped into the grave with the girl, who immediately screamed uncontrollably.


Sans 'uncontrollably'? With that adverb and 'immediately' you're a bit adverb heavy - and most of the story is minimal in that, and sharper for it.

The girl hollered and was silence by the same shovel used to hit both Poppy and Robin.


Typo...no 'd' in 'silenced'.

The gypsy women filled the hole. The dark man smiled with satisfaction. The drummer resumed the death toll.


Oy, and what an end. Startling morbidity, of course, in a way...but an uncanny contrast from the beginning. ^_^

There's an almost minimalist matter-of-factness about your style which compliments the suspense, story because of the contrast. Writers tend to be more flamboyant with horrific things. But that kills suspense, mystery. I'd only watch the added small words that creep in...'of' and 'for' and some adverbs when they're not needed, or reiterate.

...I hope that's all comprehensible. #_#'' Worn out here, but I enjoyed reading this more than anything I've seen lately. ^_^
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Aero(mind if I call you that?): As ever, I'm glad to see a critique from you and very pleased that you found it interesting. Sorry I made you feel 'sick' I'm happy it created a stir.
Imp: An excellent point-out! I've taken a look at everything and hopefully I'll be able to make changes soon.

Thanks again for reading! *gives cookies*
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My lord you people pick up on every tiny detail do you not?...
I can see Im going to get a hard time here...
Personally I found It a wonderful piece of writing...
Very well done Myth...




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Rikki: Thanks for taking the time to read. I guess Imp roused all the questions but if you do find anything 'out of line' let me know. :D
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And here's the critique you deserve for your wonderful piece in the contest!

On my first read, I thought this piece was suspenseful and dark. The prose was to the point and didn't wander, which in some ways complemented the atmospheric qualities evident throughout. However, I did notice some things which could be improved to add to this great story.

Robin was the eldest by two years. Poppy had recently passed her thirteenth birthday. As a treat their parents had brought them to the countryside for a fresh break away from the city.


Paragraph of telling, and no showing. Somewhat this is a mini-info dump. As such, is there any way to present this information, you have to ask yourself? Dialogue? At the moment I'm not sure, because it's such a small paragraph and introduces the setting quite well, but I'm never a fan of telling paragaphs, because it reads like a school textbook, and isn't pretty or anything.

They had spent the morning prowling through the desolate hills of Dartmoor. Robin climbed the tree earlier, he had seen Little Callon—the picturesque village where they were staying—and was the first to spot the white rabbit.


I think you could alter this a little, because at some parts it is a little awkward. Consider this revision --

They had spent the morning prowling through the desolate hills of Dartmoor. Robin had climbed the tree earlier and had seen Little Callon—the picturesque village where they were staying—and was the first to spot the white rabbit.

This just inserts a less awkward tense -- saying "Robin climbed the tree earlier" missed out the neccesary auxiliary verb. This then has to be balanced with the rest of the sentence, hence the inserted "and" instead of a comma. I think it flows better this way.

“Wot we doing now?” Poppy asked.

“Don’ know.” Robin replied. It seemed he had lost any inspiration he may have had and was using his favourite sentence to emphasise this.


Nit-picking at its grandest, but the dialogue grammar in the second speech is incorrect. Should be a comma rather than a period to become --

"Don' know," Robin replied.

Small matter.

“’Ear that? Sounds like a drum or something,”


Probably a typo -- the comma on the end should be a full-stop.

“’Ear that? Sounds like a drum or something,”

“Nah.”


What’s he saying no to? That he can’t hear it or that it’s not a drum? Always try and avoid confusion. Clarification is key. If he thinks it’s not a drum, have the dialogue like, “That ain’t no drum,” or something.

Poppy stood. She surveyed the area and saw a strange procession of people, dressed in bright clothing that contrasted against their surroundings, in the next field. At their head was a boy of about ten with a drum. Next came a girl, not a day older than Robin, with hands tied. On either side of the girl were two stout women—guards’ ominous expressions forbidding escape.


I edited this in some parts to make the first sentences flow better together and avoid the awkwardness that becomes apparent in the last sentence. A possible revision of it could be: (changes in red):

Poppy stood and surveyed the area. She saw a strange procession of people in the next field, dressed in bright clothing that contrasted against their surroundings. At their head was a boy of about ten with a drum. Next came a girl, not a day older than Robin, with hands tied. On either side of the girl were two stout female guards with ominous expressions that forbade escape.

I combined the first two sentences as I thought it sounded better than leaving "Poppy stood" on its own. I then thoughy moving the clause "in the next field" nearer the start where it made more sense in the sentence, and it read awkward previously. I cleared up the last sentence by thinking you should lose the dash and change women into the adjective "female" to modify "guards" and then use the conjunction with to make the sentence flow better. "Forbidding" (passive) was changed to the (active) "forbade". Obviously these are just my ideas. If you don't like them, that's fine.

Robin strode towards the field cautiously. The people did not alter their gaze to look at him. He was about a hundred yards away from them when Poppy joined him.


Striding cautiously is pretty hard – striding usually means there is confidence involved. I’d suggest a different verb like “tip-toed” which implies caution within it – “Robin tip-toed toward the field.”

“Wot’re you doing?” She complained.


Dialogue already implies complaint; you need a simple speaking verb here. Using “complained” weighs down the speech. Just use “said” instead. I've noticed very few "saids" so far in the piece -- remember, said is your friend. It puts more emphasis on what is being spoken, and is invaluable in most cases.

By the edge of the wood they found the worn path taken by the gypsies. They held back, waiting for the drum beats at their weakest. They followed, in gypsy suit, one behind the other.


"drum beats" can be combined to "drumbeats".

“Please!”

Robin covered Poppy’s mouth.


Need an indication of who is speaking here, as it is new dialogue. Just a simple "Poppy cried" would suffice.

Robin shrugged his shoulder. “Don’ know.”


Well I'm sure one could shrug just a single shoulder if they liked, it should probably be both! So that would be "shoulders". Just a typo methinks.

The girl was crying hysterically, it was muffled by the earth covering her.


This is a little awkward right now. The second clause makes it strange to read. Try changing it to “The girl was crying hysterically; her sounds muffled by the earth covering her." Could work better.

“No! We ain’t doing nothing. If they want a crim’nal buried, they get to. We ain’t got no business of it.”


Remember to identify the speaker again when new dialogue begins. Clarification is key. You want to avoid all confusion. While it might seem obvious to you (the writer) who is speaking, the reader will not neccesarily immediately know, and stopping to check who it is breaks the flow of the story.

He quickly sped to the grave and squatted. He pushed at the earth in a vain attempt to save the poor soul beneath it. Grudgingly, Poppy copied his movements. Soon they were sweating. Their brows were smeared with dirt where they had wiped away sweat.


Adverb not needed next to verb which implies quickness! Using "sped" means "quickly" becomes superfluous, and since it's a bad adverb anyway, lose it.

There was no reply. He raised himself out of the grave only to come face-to-face with the dark man. He was grabbed by the cuff of his T-shirt. One of the women carried the unconscious Poppy in her arms.


*confused face* A t-shirt with cuffs? Maybe it's just me, but my t-shirts doesn't usually have cuffs ... unless you're trying to refer to something else? Anyway, maybe this is just me, but maybe you could clarify the place he was grabbed more so.

Poppy was dropped into the grave with the girl, who immediately screamed.


Identify who’s screaming, as it’s not clear who is the subject of the last verb. Is it Poppy screaming, or is it the girl? If it’s Poppy, it should be – “Poppy screamed as she was dropped into the grave with the girl.”

“Please! Don’t do this!”


Identify the speaker again to avoid confusion.

Robin joined his sister and the gypsy—the man had pushed him back in. He was about to wake Poppy when something hard struck him on the head. The girl hollered and was silenced by the same shovel used to hit both Poppy and Robin.


"Hollered" is a slang verb really, or at least very very informal, so I would use something else in its place.

The gypsy women filled the hole. The dark man smiled with satisfaction. The drummer resumed the death toll.


Oo-er, not half-eery!

Overall, with the exception of some awkward sentences which I've tried to help you sort out, some speech identifying problems, and a few typos, this is a great, eery piece! It's not often I read a story without a happy ending, so this was pleasant (or unpleasant?) surprise. You brought alive the characters well, and it is obvious that they care for one another even though it is never explicitly said. Good stuff for such short a story! Hope I helped.
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Jack: *falls over* Thanks so much for the critique, you've picked up things I easily miss. I hate the word 'said' but I try to use it more often (even my kid brother tells me and I always forget). Now I just have to get it edited, no matter how long it takes. I should try writing something with a happy ending but I'm not used it it :D
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Rated PG-13. Being buried alive is pretty intense.
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