Cheap words can't buy a prayer

3 posts
Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 103
Ever wonder if everything as we know it is divisible by three--
the father, son and holy ghost?

Lying awake you ponder this as your father groans in pain as
the cancer chariot races down his bloodstream.

A bold prayer is a selfish act you tell yourself to keep from
crying as you murmur wistful pleas into the air,

While the draft from your open window shreds them to incoherent
pieces before you finish calling [heaven] collect.

Service charges are expensive and phone lines are usually busy,
but you figure you can wait awhile since life support is covered.

Maybe since the ‘divine plan’ is still a rough draft, there might yet
be room for revision but deep down you’re struggling,

To accept the fact that you're not qualified to write that article,
and even though it involves us all, the editor doesn’t want our input.

Earnest words fall on deaf ears, but did you really expect anything different,
at least he had the decency to allow the weather to express what you’re feeling.

God--
just tell me why

[You let my father die]


Note: Feel free to comment, my father is alive and well, this was written from a creative standpoint only.
The individual leads in actual fact a double life, one in which he is an end to himself and another in which he is a link in a chain which he serves against his will or at least independently of his will.
--SIGMUND FREUD




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 367
Reviews 165
This isn't the first time I have seen this, but I noticed that your title is not very similar to your poem. It's not as bad as some, but It could use a little revising.

I liked the poem itself a lot, though I did not agree with the second-to-last stanza.
I also noticed that in the last stanza you suddenly went from third person to first person. Was this intentional?
Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
On a big black block.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 189
Reviews 333
I loved this concept. I read a lot of poetry, but have not found a piece that deals with something like this. It brings an interesting take on everything which works together well.

While the draft from your open window shreds them to incoherent
pieces before you finish calling [heaven] collect.


This is the only stanza I don't like. I think it is weak compared to the rest of the poem, and to me doesn't fit as well.

Maybe since the ‘divine plan’ is still a rough draft, there might yet
be room for revision


That is pure genius. My favourite part. I loved it.

Like the review before, I do not see how your title relates to your poem which is something you may need to look upon.

I think you should consider putting some of the stanzas together. Just a thought.

PM for anything.

Well done.

~Retro Disco666
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan



The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts.
— Bryant McGill