shadowed_mist

Thank you. I'll try and edit that out.... Gotta remember to do that.... (another thing to add to the to-do list)

Chapter One Suddenly She died. Just like that. She stood to the side of the hospital bed, watching the doctors and nurses panic. Her older brother, Tobias, was shoved to ...

You know, the beginning part where the local is speared to the wall reminds me of Indiana Jones.... Do you usually depend on your dreams for stories? I do... I'm ...

I've fixed the story on my laptop more ever since then, so most of those problems are fixed. As for lack of discription, I mention them all later. She is ...

CHAPTER ONE Of all the things that could have happened to me. I knew I was accident prone, but this was no accident. And this time, it was emotional pain ...

I won't be too meticulous, but you weren't very descriptive. You skipped a lot of information I would have liked to know... The ending was utterly dissapointing. I mean, I ...

I like it so far... I'm not such a big fan with the 'new kid' idea, but that's probably because I've used it so many times in my own stories.... ...

Chapter Three “Good luck to you, Arilia.” Shagro said gently, dipped his head to her. Arilia nodded her head to him, smiling gently. Rao and Morro sat beside her, waiting. ...

Yes... But I don't want to post it...

Overall, very good. I don't really see the fiction in this, because this could all really happen. But I kind of get where you're getting. Like everyone else, I suggest ...

That's cool. What she before me said, you need to make paragraphs. I'm not a big fan of them either, but they make the reader think that the words are ...

Chapter Two Night NIGHT I had my fangs pressed to the girl’s neck. Willow had everyone distracted, so no one would notice when the girl went missing. But then my ...

Arilia is a strange charecter. When she doesn't want something to happen, she falls a sleep, which is why she was hoping for unconciousness instead of wanting to avoid it. ...

Chapter Two Arilia screamed in horror and Leo dodged out of the way. Arilia fell off of his back, rolling onto her back. Her eyes fluttered close, and she lay ...

Okay, Arilia falls asleep a lot because she's tired. The beginning of the story is meant to be confusing because she's confused. She can ride side-saddle on a lion because ...