sargsauce

My biggest advice is that your dialogue is stiff and unrealistic. Your characters talk like someone reading straight from a script. There's no personality in the words, there aren't enough ...

Intriguing! Quiet and subdued, like a shameful secret from one's teenage past. ------------------ Is the first section meant to read like a stutter? If so, that's good, but good in ...

Very good read. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Imaginative, thoughtful, and provocative. I liked when Carla comes into the present-day and she's smoking and they're spending time together. It is framed ...

"Because Poe wrote on both" in answer to your little subtitle. And he comes up in your story! Anyway, this was interesting and cute. A little heavy-handed and contrived, but ...

You began and ended your story with bland descriptions of weather. That's kind of a no-no. Also, this line: Fear and adrenaline started pumping through my body and I ran ...

Well, same words as last time. You're confident and comfortable, but boring when no one's talking. You get caught up in the purple prose of it (where "purple prose" is ...

While you are a confident writer and this is certainly a style you're comfortable in...there is a deluge of the unnecessary. The beginning is ponderously slow. It's 1,000 words until ...

Overall, it's all right. You don't really strive toward greatness or develop an idea to its conclusion--but you also don't make any blatant mistakes. So it's hard to feel strongly ...

I found it rather obvious that Lerra wasn't real, but that doesn't necessarily break the story. When you revealed she wasn't real, you didn't act like it was a fantastic ...

This reminds me of dadaism. It feels like you're going out of your way to not make sense. The words themselves are good and interesting and varied...but you're here then ...

Well, now that you have this, take your writing and write something that you put a little more heart into. Chances are you'll succeed. One may think that because the ...

Housekeeping. You don't capitalize "sir" unless it's a title like Sir Elton John. But as a word of respect, it's just, "How are you, sir?" Grinning madly, shuffling a deck ...

I'm guessing this is just a synopsis and you're looking for audience approval before you flesh out the story, correct? Well, honestly, it's a bit tacky. The government created "ultimate ...

Are you sure you didn't want this piece in one of the poetry sections? Or in Other? As it stands now, this isn't a story at all. And without any ...

"Oh! My! God!" I yelled so loud, my voice was probably heard in the thermosphere. ... "Oh, my God!" She yelled so loud her voice was probably heard in the ...