okkervilpuddle

Jumping down from the window sill the kids said hello to the old, black-velvet night. It was a familiar one, like the ones from early childhood, from fifty years ago, ...

i am really glad that you are pushing the envelope in writing styles... but i think sometimes it helps to hold back a little. this is too densely strange and ...

i like this but i wish it went somewhere more. i have a question. maybe i'm stupid. but: are they leaving the wall forever? or just for the afternoon? if ...

i agree with Critiq.

this was cool. i liked how you let the reader figure out what was going on. my one problem: the magnitude of how much you love him is clear in ...

cool.

I stood up from the dirty step ladder and looked at the back door. I thought that I might as well see, and walked over taking my cup of tea ...

i really liked how you transitioned into memory without saying blatantly "i remember how..". the first paragraph was very beautiful. i think it got a little confused near the end, ...

realize can be spelled realise. isn't that how they do it in the uk?

those few italicized sentences at the very beginning reminded me so much of the watchmen graphic novel. Rorschach's (sp?) journal. not saying you're copying, just saying that they do.

Problem is, it is emo. try lifting it out of some of the heaviness. lift it out of the angst, and make it truly sad. ..that's what i think. i ...

i like it by itself. the reader can add significance to the preceding instances on their own. it gives the story a lot of meaning and a certain intelligence. saying ...

Today when I woke up for work and I walked outside, there was this big, big sun sitting on top of the school building. I yelled something toward it, but ...

i kind of thought this was a little pretentious and too self-consciously "deep" or whatever.. if this was me i would relax a little bit and let up on the ...

hey, i liked this alright-- you're a good writer, i know that. i mean the writing was very well done and you don't fall in to stupid cliches or anything. ...