michaelahart

Well first off, the twilight stuff made me chuckle too. (: I absolutely loved how you started off. It was slow, but very nice and it even put a smile ...

Agreeing with TenYo, the 'yet' seemed a little out of place at the introduction. In fact, I found the intro kind of... not right? Sorry, lacking better words... It just ...

The introduction, for starters, really drew me in. I loved the way you used your words, and the atmosphere was set perfectly as well. I will point out, though, that ...

I found your beginning to be quite good as well. The commenter above me is pretty much bang-on, but as mentioned, I wasn't feeling it, you know? In terms of ...

I'll have to say I agree with Classy. Your writing style is lovely, but I think you've made the story itself a bit too casual. In my opinion, I don't ...

As everyone else has mentioned, that was amazingly written. Your writing style is very, very good. The only concerns I have with this, and yes they have been mentioned, is ...