hevc

i guess it really comes down to preference. you have to remember that any writer of talent will attempt to reflect meaning or mood in syntax, and what you suggest ...

nope.

You're only sixteen? yes,...and i wrote this about a year and a half ago. it just never got the editing it needed. In fact, also through the entire piece, you ...

My only complaint would be the format. Could you double space between parapraphs and dialogue? It would make it ten times easier to read. You should defintely think about spaces ...

sounds good.

This did seem a bit disjointed, I'll admit. Also fairly short, so difficult for you to get into any real development. Something to build on for the future perhaps?