girlanachronism

I think you should try to show, not tell. Sometimes it makes the story seem very passive and unemotional. Example: He lay there for a few more minutes before he ...

I don't think you necessarily failed. Your piece has both emotion and black humor behind it, and I was very entertained. However, I agree that the beginning needs to be ...

This piece definitely leaves its mark. It raw and uncensored, and doesn't sugar coat whatsoever. Your format was different than the norm and therefore made all the more interesting to ...