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I feel like you just read the guide and started fiddling around with writing this chapter. You did complete overkill on the switch then rushed a poor battle scene which ...

If Ninja-z cannot follow the story then that is saying something. You really need more details, this moved way too fast and I hate to admit it, but the characters ...

Finally a little bit of originality, but sadly I can see this a mile away with your 'centuries older' stuff. Good chapter, but again rushed. Same problems as pointed out ...

Hehe, good chapter. Same problems as always, the tenses can be annoying at time, but that's okay. The guards and the fight were a bit....boring to say in the least. ...

:/ Darn spoilers. >.>; Same problems with tense exist, but the dialog was good. Follows the story, but its still lacking depth and originality. Perhaps you could pay more detail ...

Divison. :P Now. The work is pretty much similar and I finally understand why you seem to switch hands with the swords and their tenses, an awkward thing to do, ...

Its better the your last chapter, that's for sure. I feel that you kinda mixed up the report and yes, godmodding characters are bit overpowered. Though i will keep reading ...

Biggs and Wedge names came from Star Wars, but are final fantasy characters. They've been a lot of the games. FF7, FF8 and so on. They are actual characters in ...

ninja-z is right and I'd like to add a few things. The silent dialog from Squall with Zell pestering him should still be split up. It makes it easier to ...

Couple spelling errors, A few grammar ones, but aside from a lot of telling in the opening it was good. Just to be clear, I could not find your chapter ...

A done a billion times before plot opening, but its hard to be original with that kind of opening device. A nice opening, a tad short, but I'll start reading ...

Aww that's a bit sad. Amibigious, but heartfelt sorrow of unknown love finding its way into a frozen heart. Good use of words to show that whoever this is about ...

Interesting, but a few things caught me as awkward. "Garden of science" they contrast, but really don't make sense. "My slave of a god" - Huh? This is really awkward ...

I knew I was horrible with commas, but yikes that is alot. I'll fix this up and edit it. I've already changed alot of the Pencharmer description because of the ...

A bit dark, but I definately want to read more! Corrections mentioned by the others apply, but this is too short to get picky about addressing the audience, it just ...