charcoalspacewolfman

I was slightly confused initially about this. It's told in omniscient viewpoint, for the most part, which is kinda weird because it's also from the viewpoint of the neighbors. By ...

So for practically the first time ever I noticed that the setting helps your characterization. It's cool out, for one, and that reflects your character's feelings. Also she's under a ...

OK, so first of all, I think it ended a bit abruptly, even for ending at the point that it did. You sound like you were going to say more ...

Well, I’m not sure why people thinks this is cliche, though I must say it’s a little underdone. The part about vomiting, for instance. To me, this says that she’s ...

OK, first thing I noticed here is that you kind of abused the ellipsis (...) and your story lacked some of the useful formatting like italics. Italics are particularly useful ...

I’ve always thought that color associations were interesting. Like how something can feel like magenta or grey or something like that, so it was enjoyable reading the description of the ...

OK, so before I begin my review I’d like to start by saying it is not a particularly good review. I hate your characters. Pretty much all of them are ...

So I thought it was incredibly cheesy. The ending was unbelievably happy and I actually thought (perhaps cruelly) that it would just end with her waking up from a lovely ...

I think there needs to be a bit more fleshing out. you don't have a lot of feeling in this piece, and it's all told in a sort of flat, ...

Hello, welcome to the site! Alright, as for placing, I don't think it matters too much where you put it and Action/adventure seems to fit it particularly well so far. ...

I hate you. You wrote a halfway decent slice of a story (no offense, but I'm probably not going to read more when you write because I'm a jerk like ...

Let's talk about dangling modifiers. Apparently, Darkheart's heart is as dark as his sword. It is also as deadly as his sword. So much so that, like his sword, it ...

So the premise of your story isn't bad; deception, violence and evil people is always interesting to read about; but your execution is a tad unnatural. It moves at such ...

JUST KILL THE FLIPPING CAT!!! Sorry. I actually like cats and, indeed, their total disregard in movies and mindless slaughter in books and by witches is a touching concern. However, ...

Hm, weird that your character speaks only in the third person. If I were to receive this letter, I'd wonder what the heck this gal was trying to say, since ...