UnderTheGun

Haha, this completely cracked me up, really LOLing involved. Keep it up! Do New Moon... Jacob randomly taking off his shirt to clean Bella's forehead will make for great laughs.

It reads like a diary, which is a good thing until the dialogue begins. I'm not sure that dialogue works for this sort of format, but the overall tone is ...

Thanks for not riddling it with unncecessary details. We all know what he looks like after the books and the movies, and if not, there's something called Google, so there ...

Cute, but it feels like Breaking Dawn 2.0. Try a different approach. Where do they live? They couldn't possibly have stayed in Forks with Nessie aging so rapidly and with ...

Oh my goodness, this was even better than I though it would be. I don't get why they chose to move so far away, maybe you can clear that up ...

The beginning was a bit confusing for me, so try reading it aloud to yourself tomorrow to catch your mistakes. The best part for me was the ending, those last ...

My first impression after reading the plot summary was that you were rewriting that Miley Cyrus, Nicholas Sparks movie that came out a while ago...judging by the trailer, the plots ...

Great story! As for the writing, it reminds me of something that you'll look at four years from now, and marvel at how much your style has changed and improved ...

This is good, such a cliffhanger, and I'm excited to read more. The comments above are great too, it just still feels a bit rushed to me. Maybe I just ...

This is a good start, but it felt a bit rushed. I didn't think there was enough detail. His brother, was he violent when he found him? Thirsty and yearning ...

I'm a bit frazzled. The story itself is good, but I don't like the format, I'm not even sure if there is one. Maybe there's no need for dates if ...

I couldn't find one thing that I disliked about this, perhaps because I'm such a fan of the song and I actually enjoyed the literal interpretation of the lyrics. I ...

This was pretty impressive. I like it because it's exciting from the very beginning. Maybe not exciting, but engaging, or maybe both. I love how clearly everything is in my ...

The dialogue in this chapter is so much better! I love it. I still think you need to add MORE detail, and that's too easy to do with a passage ...

Tiffany's introduction seems a bit formal being that she's the only one using her last name in the conversation. The dialogue still needs work, it's not always clear who's speaking. ...