Trident

This was a pleasant piece of writing. I'd very much agree with Sam's comments over sentence structure. Play around with it a bit. And I noticed a few adverbs/adjectives and ...

Hi theronguard. When I read this piece, my first thought wasn't very good. You have action, okay, but it is the cheapest type of action you can have. It screams ...

Sorry to conflict with everyone else, but I wasn't a huge fan. There's a lot of thriller type writing out there and so you need to find a way to ...

I found nothing wrong with the lines with 'box' in them. I don't understand why everyone wants you to put them together or what that even means. Anyway... The rhythm ...

Hm. I wasn't a huge fan of the beginning. I thought you could perhaps set the scene a bit more before describing the boy. I have this tendency to dislike ...

Hey Magic, nice to see you around here still. All right. I recall critting I think it was the first chapter. On to the prologue: It felt somewhat mechanical. It ...

Hi Serena. I was pleasantly surprised, this being in the Romance fiction section and all. ;) Very nice characterization, especially for the main character, however, I felt that some of ...

Mightily impressive, Brad. The voice fits well with the first person narrative; a wonderful job of characterizing. It's difficult to have such extensive narrative and then add the appropriate dialog, ...

I'll have to agree here that we could use a little context. The writing was fluid and interesting and I'm glad you didn't resort to too much background, however I ...

Hello again. I've had a look through and I'm impressed. It looks as though you've thought about your storylines and ideas pretty thoroughly. I'd like to start off by saying ...

Hi Shadowsun. Firstly, I adore the style. I will often employ the use of short sentences/fragments to create tension. Kudos. In modern military fiction, it is difficult to be innovative. ...

Hi Dreamer. Some style issues here. While the writing itself is pretty good, I find two distinct faults with this piece. The first is your use of fairy tale-like storytelling. ...

Hi sworddance. I like the characterization in this piece, and that section in the beginning (was that a letter?) was very well done. I have only one suggestion. This chapter ...

I'm going to agree with most of what Writersdomain said. The switching of character POVs is okay, but in doing so, it has caused you to try and characterize too ...

Hello Kylan. For science fiction, this feels right at home. The world-building was excellent. A few qualms: --There was too much description and not enough action. While describing environments can ...