Tabiris

I'll have to agree, I groaned slightly at the "teenage voice" parts. But you slip a few sentences in there that I really like, it's a quirk of mine, but ...

My critique won't be quite so in depth. There's no printer in my apartment and I can't go line by line on the computer. But I can give you my ...

I would have to agree with the poster above: well written, but emotionally isolating for the reader. You can write, which is wonderful. Your descriptions are crisp and you get ...