SeraphTree

Again, very good. There were a couple things though: Suddenly Helena murmered, “Right now, I am guessing that we are right beneath the living room.” How she guessed that Nami ...

First, you need to break up your paragraphs. Have a space between each one. It will help break up your story. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Chayonz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You totally, completely, and utterly engaged me with your style!!!!!!! You've embellished Nami, and things make more sense, and things aren

Chanonz!!!!!!! I have't heard this for a while, so please forgive me if I've forgotten bits of the storyline X( Nami woke to a gentle shake. Jord was standing over ...

Okay...... you need to slow down the story. First he's leaving, then he's gone then he comes back, and it happense so quickly, we don't really feel anything for them. ...

It doesn't seem very personal. Add some thoughts from the Captain, and more dialogue. The voice of the young soldier did not travel far over the sound of the battlefield ...

Hmmm. The lack of dialogue makes the story seem impersonal, so we don't really get it when Jord and his father reunite :) Also, you keep switching the narrator from ...

Hmmm. Interesting that Protection wants to be a rock star. It gives me a sense of the times, like the end of our world, or something. I like it :D ...

Very good, as always. :D :D :D :D :D :D Just a couple of things: When Luna is telling the story, it sounds a little choppy. Try reading it out ...

Very good!!!!!!!!!!!! The end really grabbed my attention. It's been a while since I've read the last part, so I was a little like 'huh?' but I quickly recovered :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D ...

Nami seems out of character, and you can't tell who's point of view it's in at the beginning. “I came from Rovenhold. I was a peasant there and I belonged ...

Hello again :D :D :D “Thomas! He’s a friend of mine! How could I forget?” She hit herself on her forehead. “I had promised to go on a trip with ...

First, break up the paragraphs. Big paragraphs prevent people from reading your work. Nami knew that arguing would only make things worse so she followed without resisting him. All the ...

Well, what I first noticed is that the dialogue is very stilted, which messes up the flow. Nami seemse to switch character on us. First she seems calm, and rather ...

Back! Back evil hand........ Dude, why did you set that thing on me? XDXDXDXDXD Let's see...... :) do to my ladylike lifestyle Wrong kind of 'do.' The one you want ...