Salliewalker

I like this. Short, concise, nostalgic imagery. The only thing I have to say is, you should change "bye" (in both title and poem) to "goodbye". Bye makes the end ...

Okay, so you wrote it free verse. There's still natural rhythm you can work with. Make variations, instead of kind of just listing imagery after imagery. Free verse doesn't mean ...

I feel an important thing you're not quite following is the rhythm that Tolkien uses in his poetry. When something doesn't flow right, then that's the first thing you notice. ...

Could you explain stiff? Like as if I'm using words that don't belong to rhyme...? Or repeating one version of rhyming too much? What I meant by "tally your score" ...

I'm gonna say good things about this, and then some other stuff. I like the beginning of the poem very much. It's very sturdy, rhythmic, gives us a sense of ...

I have NOT been on YWS in a century! So I'd love to submit a little something I just wrote today (I guess it's like a short song? Not exactly ...

Very subtle and satirical. Great poem. All I have to say is your rhythm is a bit dead in the first stanza... your other stanzas look fine. I'm sure your ...

I feel this is a bit abrupt. My favorite lines would be "the ferryman arrives, I have no fare"... but right after that, you seem to go directly to the ...

The rhythm is good, except in various spots in the first few stanzas. I feel this poem is a little typical, especially in the last lines. If you gave one ...

I like this a lot. I felt this was a little bit short, so if you had more colors added to this (red, blue, etc. Using primary colors would give ...

I like this. It's interesting, out of the box, definitely something people won't think of to write for a poem. A suggestion for future ideas--perhaps using abbreviations as a poem? ...

I wanna say I like this poem, but I have a few problems with it. I do like that this poem has great potential, how it kind of begins with ...

The form you've written this with is really, really good. The rhythm as well. I also like how you started out the poem, "Your hand perched on my hip so ...

I feel the loneliness in this poem. I've written my fair share of depressed poems in my time--it's been at least a year or two since my last one. I ...

I agree with Kyllorac about the rhythm--either you could work a little more on changing up the words until you get the rhythm back, or you could more easily reestablish ...